About my daughter's 18th (long and possibly whingy)(9 Posts)
To give some background, I have been divorced from my DC's father for 6 years. He was EA, controlling and occasionally physically violent during our marriage. Although the divorce was a relief, I was in quite a dark place for some time with few friends as he had effectively isolated me from everyone during our marriage. He on the other hand is a larger than life character, he makes lots of grand gestures and to the outside world he is a great guy. He has a wide social circle. My DC don't know about the EA and DV although my DD has spoken about how controlling and manipulative he can be towards her. Generally though he has been a good father, paid his maintenance and seen them regularly - he and I have an outwardly civil relationship.
My daughter's 18th is in the middle of A levels and she had said she was just going to do something fairly quiet with a few friends. I had offered to arrange a party. She has now said he is holding a party for her with all his family and friends, she is inviting some friends. He has apparently said "Your mum can come if she wants" but has not invited any relatives from this side of the family (very few of us anyway)
I am hurt that she feels that this is ok but she gets upset when I have tried to talk to her about it. It is her day but I can't help feeling he is successfully marginalising me again. He is quite rich and nothing I can offer will match. Should I suck it up and go or should I just arrange something small here for family (even that will be difficult because I know she won't want to take much time away from revision)?
Sorry to moan but just needed to vent and get some perspective.
How many of his family would you have invited to the party you offered to hold?
Would she like something small with just you & your family?
Why has she accepted his offer of a party-or is it a done deal?
Just let it happen and then sort out a family gathering after the A Levels - it might be nice for her to have a second bash (and it could be a joint 18th/end of exams celebration thing). I do feel for you - it must feel like a bit of a kick in the teeth, but don't forget your DD is stuck between a rock and a hard place; presumably she doesn't want to upset her Dad either, especially as he can be difficult. She trusts you to deal with it well - she can't trust her Dad to do the same, which is why you've lost out.
This sounds so familiar!
What I did was to say to dd that's great about a big party lets see who we can invite
As is was her party we worked out that she could invite who she wanted so invites for my family were sent and i felt supported
I managed to buy THE most perfect cake and it was made the centre of the table pride of place because it ended looking and tasting so gorgeous that it became the place to take photos haha the amount if photos of us all in various groups around that fab cake are the abiding images of her 18th and it was lovely in the end
People enjoyed themselves and it looked like a joint effort iykwim by her parents for their dd.
she had a ball
I left when I thought it was right to to avoid any trouble and successfully avoided ex too
I agree with Hassled: have another celebration after the exams and invite your side of the family and friends.
If you can bear it go to 'his' party with some close, supportive relatives.
Even if they are not specifically invited they won't get turned away, unless he has bouncers on the door!
Is 'his' party on her actual birthday?
Go to the party and look fantastic!
Please don't try to talk to her about it and let it be.
Yep go to the party, I would actually feel entitled to turn up with a plus 2/3 if they would enjoy that sort of thing - it's a party not a meal etc.
I would then go for a family meal with all your side of the family at another point in time post exams.
I'd be tempted to assume that your invitation included all of your small extended family as well and you should all show up looking happy and united for your daughters special day.
There is nothing like not reacting to knock a manipulative Ex off their high horse
Go to the party - slap on some lippy to give yourself confidence, big smiles and qhilst sat there in a note book wprk out an amazing summer bbq for her and her friends when they'll all be 18 so can drink without wondering if any parents would 'cats bum' face, think of the music, the food, how you can decorate up and a fab cake.....
I dreading this sort of thing happening too in a few years.....
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.