AIBU to have challenged OH on treatment of our baby

[HuskyBlueEyes]

Hello mumsnetters.. Basically my LG is a little over a month old. Tonight is my OH third night of night feeds. Which he argues about quite a lot. I've woken up to the baby utterly shouting her head off and him telling her to shut the fuck up. He also got the arse and 'quite' roughly changed her vest and sleep suit because she piddled. She does cry at a change I've learnt to accept that from the beginning. She's also slept four hours!!! Which is amazing from her usual 2. So I got up and pointed this out and that sues just hungry, picking up on his anger and getting upset herself. He's told me to fuck off and walked off. Was I being U? I can't remember actually being frustrated to that extent with her getting used to night feeds myself. Yes I got frustrated but not to use rougher movements with her or swear. Am I being pfb I guess. May I add he didn't physically hurt her.

[Chottie]

Please speak to your HV and get some support. Your OH needs to realise that tiny babies do wake up regularly and need to fed regularly throughout 24 hour periods. They don't know the difference between day and night. He needs to be gently and loving with your DD. I just hate to think of a little helpless baby being sworn at and treated roughly.

Please get some advice and help before this situation escalates.....

[LettertoHermioneGranger]

No, OP. YANBU. This is very worrying. No matter what the levels of sleep deprivation or how high tensions are, is is utterly unacceptable for anyone to swear at or roughly treat a newborn. He also told you to fuck off, which is a problem in itself. Please don't minimize it, especially saying he didn't hurt her - he easily could have, and he may next time.

Your newborn's safety is the most important thing. You were right to challenge his behavior - which was abusive. You would also be right to re-evaluate whether you should be with someone who puts your baby's wellbeing at risk.

[Wurstwitch]

You procreated with this charmer?

Sleep deprivation is a bitch. But you've hardly started yet. He needs to be told that his behaviour is juvenile and unacceptable, and unsafe as a parent. So he either grows up fast and accepts his role as a father, and learns what parenting involves, or fucks off to the far side of fuck.

[chocolatesolveseverything]

You are not being pfb here - no baby should be treated like that. Please contact your hv and ask your oh to speak to them. Help may be available to him to deal with his stress and anger, but this needs to be nipped in the bud asap.

[IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord]

I second everything Wurst said.

For him to swear a one month baby is so worrying, never mind treating her roughly.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

This is very worrying, the sleepless night can go on for another year yet.

He needs to get himself to the doctors and sort out his anger issues.

Tbh I don't think I could trust him to do the night feeds.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Sounds awful. Giving him the benefit of the doubt that it is just sleep deprivation talking, what is the wider situation? Is he at work during the day? Is it his third night in a row or third night ever?

[HuskyBlueEyes]

Third night ever.
I've taken her away as he palmed her off on me. He's said how it's not fair that he works and has to do a night feed of a Saturday night on his night off. That's all I ask, oh and tonight because I have a funeral today. I'm running on 4 hrs sleep, which is a lot to me.

[Logg1e]

I bet he doesn't treat colleagues like this.

I wouldn't let a man like this near a baby,

[Squeegle]

Is he normally angry like this? He sounds seriously selfish and unkind. Does he realise this behaviour is out of order? I too would not have him feeding the baby if he's going to be like this.

[Walnuss]

He needs to calm the fuck down. I had awful PND and so DH used to do a lot of night feeds for me, and works full time, he was exhausted and frustrated but never behaved like that towards the baby. I did often hear him in the bathroom growling and swearing under his breath but letting it out like that rather than at the baby is fine imo. Your OH needs to grow up and realise your baby is not doing it to wind him up, she is tiny and helpless and has no other way to communicate her needs. I wouldn't let him near her until he sorts out his anger.

[MexicanSpringtime]

My DD had to leave my SIL because of his anger issues and even he has only ever been gentle with the baby.

[Quodlibet]

Looking after a newborn is hard work 24 hrs a day. Your OH presumably works 8 hr days? So no it's not fair that he automatically gets time off the remaining 16hrs a day whilst you get none.

This is a secondary issue though, the other, far more concerning issue being rough treatment of a newborn. It takes so little to do serious damage to a small baby. And in any case, as your instincts are telling you, they pick up on stress and frustration and this makes them more upset. Your OH needs to massively readjust his attitude to parenting.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

In that case he is a jerk. However much you may need the sleep, i wouldn't trust him to do nights. Perhaps you can find an alternative arrangement that still lets you get some sleep- could he take the baby for a couple of hours at another time while you get some sleep?

[ikeaismylocal]

Do not let your baby be alone with this man.

He obviously isn't coping with fatherhood, the huge majority of shaken baby cases are caused by the mother's partner.

I'm not sure what the solution is, if I possibly could I would move out and take my baby far away from him.

[BratinghamPalace]

OP That is appalling behaviour. He could hurt the child by mistake when being rough. She is only 6 weeks? And you say he is "palming her off on you"? I know how exhausting it can be but both of you need to pull your socks up. Keep your dd away from him. Very dangerous behaviour. I would call him on it in front of someone (a friend or a parent). He needs to see a horrified expression on the face of someone he respects to understand how bloody awful that is.

[VashtaNerada]

Sleep deprivation changes people. Both DH & I struggled hugely for the first couple of months after our first DC was born and we were both incredibly unreasonable! The important thing is to make sure your DD is safe, and if he can't cope he just puts her in her cot while he takes a minute to calm down. If he's unable to do this and you think she's actually in danger, then obviously you need to get help.

[estya]

He needs to sort himself out. As your baby gets older there are going to be many situations which are much more testing than this I'm afraid.
And it's not sleep deprivation. This is his first night and he's had 4 hours sleep. Tiredness, maybe.

When my first was born my husband said that woman go from being girls to woman and then mothers. me just go from boys to Fathers.
Also we have a load of hormones racing around our body, changing us slightly and inclining is to motherhood (unless they go wrong - pnd) whereas the men are expected to be parents too (which wasn't so much the case in an evolutionary scale) so sometimes I think the live change comes harder to them.
But unfortunately that just means if he wants to be a parent he's going to have to work at his issues and get over them.

[BaronVonShush]

Just reiterating what's already been said: keep your baby safe, don't let your oh look after her.

What did he expect life with a newborn to be like?

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

Speak to your HV. Ask for help.

And keep this man away from your baby. I would not, under any circumstances, be leaving him alone with her.

[YuccanLiederHorticulture]

this is only the very beginning of sleep deprivation: there is a long way to go and you both need to work out how to deal with it. He seems to be following the very childish tactic of "if I do it badly enough I won't have to do it at all" and he either needs to grow up right now or your relationship is over. As a prev poster said, looking after a baby is hard work 24-7 he gets absolutely no priviledges for the fact of working elsewhere for 40ish of the 168 hours during which his and your baby needs looking after.

[NowWhatIsit]

Please please don't let him be alone with the baby. It only takes a second in anger to damage your baby forever. Sorry but I do think the baby is at risk. Please go and speak to your GP or HV. Can you go and stay with mum or sister while you get help?

[OooOooTheMonkey]

OP I really feel sick to my stomach reading this. Please get some help and don't let your OH look after your DD or do night feeds until you do. Hope he comes to his senses and realises what he has done. Hugs for you

[Delphiniumsblue]

You must take it very seriously and never leave him alone with her. Get outside help.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

I think you might be happier and more relaxed on your own for a while. He sounds absolutely awful.