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AIBU?

husband forgot my birthday and I just can't get over it

128 replies

pigwidgeon991 · 08/04/2014 12:02

Completely forgot my birthday and had to be reminded that morning. Absolutely no effort whatsoever to make it up to me in any way. Came home and said I was going to go out at lunch and buy you a new mop (sad) but I didn't have time. Cried about it last night and he was very very sorry but I just can't get my head round why he hasn't tried to make it up to me. I can think of ten thousand things he could have done. He could even have just sent me an email in the day saying I'm so sorry for forgetting I love you, you are marvellous let's go out for dinner together sometime soon or something.

I know he isn't going to try and make it up to me so I need to just try and forget about it but I feel just so so sad and can't shake it. I am desperate for him to just make a little effort to make me feel cared about. Feel like such a blob of a person just bearing children, cooking meals, going to work etc. Want to be made to feel a bit special, attractive, girly etc for once. While he is wonderful he never ever makes me feel special of attractive or does anything nice for me. He is a great DH though and I'm sure very helpful with life stuff compared to some husbands (still obviously isn't 50/50 though).

Normally I wouldn't expect much at all on my birthday, don't think it is a huge deal. Just wanted a cup of tea, card and a little something to open. Now I feel like every hour that goes by that he still hasn't made it up to me I want something more to make up for it.

So tell me, AIBU? As in is this just marriage and really in the scheme of things not so bad when your DH is a lovely person?

OP posts:

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HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 12:12

I think you need to sit down and explain to him how you feel. He may be thinking it's about a birthday, which isn't a big deal to a lot of adults, whereas it reads to me, correct me if I'm wrong, like it's a symptom of a big problem of you really feeling unloved, unappreciated, unvalued, unwanted?

That's a problem. It's not trivial and it's not OTT. And feeling like that is not 'just marriage'.

You need to tell him how you feel and tell him what you need in order to feel happy and loved.

You'd think that you wouldn't have to spell such stuff out to people, wouldn't you? But sometimes you do have to.

DoJo · 08/04/2014 12:13

Is he usually quite good when it comes to things like this?
Have you told him that it wasn't too late for him to make up for it?

I'm sorry you had such a shit birthday and I hope these help a little .

pigwidgeon991 · 08/04/2014 12:15

The thing is I have. And you are partly very right about feeling unappreciated. I explained it so much (and have said it before). He always listens, says I do appreciate you so much etc but there is some sort of barrier where he just can't do anything about it. He is just so not a gestures, saying things type of person. I say things and say things, he listens but then I think thinks 'phew glad we've stopped talking now' as soon as it is over and then that is that.

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SaucyJack · 08/04/2014 12:17

Happy birthday pigwidgeon

He's an arsehole. I don't understand how one "forgets" their partner's birthday. And don't let him fob you off with a mop either. It's isn't childish or grabby in the slightest to want a thoughtful present form someone who's supposed to love you so much they've bound themselves legally to you for life.

dopeysheep · 08/04/2014 12:18

Eh? He was going to buy you a new mop? Is that right?

I think this is about more than a forgotten birthday you sound very down and the birthday just focused everything.

Maybe a good heart to heart about why you feel so unappreciated and a few changes need to happen but I know it is hard to actually do.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 12:20

ah, ok, well, that's good and bad, isn't it? Good that you are able to tell him how you feel but bad that he's not able to take that and do things that would make you feel better.

Have you told him what specific things would make the difference to you? Given him examples of things that matter to you?

Because I am sure that it is not that he can't do anything about it. Assuming he is a fully functioning adult, he clearly could, so it is that he isn't. So the question is - why isn't he?

pigwidgeon991 · 08/04/2014 12:32

It is a bit mad. I actually listed yesterday suggestions of things he could have done to make up for forgetting and make me feel a bit special (e.g. book a restaurant for some time in the future and say that he will sort out babysitter and I don't have to worry about it, just show up for the meal etc, come home with some dinner or a bunch of flowers) so I am just not understanding why there hasn't today been any kind of gesture. He knows I'm really really upset and that this has made me feel so undervalued and crummy.

Am not sure I agree Hecate. I think I am on the low end of the spectrum in expectancies for birthdays. But even if I'm not, surely everyone wants it to be actually acknowledged? Even if just a 'happy birthday darling'? I don't believe anyone would shrug off an ignoring of their birthday would they? Maybe?

OP posts:

pigwidgeon991 · 08/04/2014 12:33

PS the mop is something we have talked about getting (he has been VERY keen to get it) so it wouldn't be completely insane but still not the most 'you are my special wife' gift.

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 08/04/2014 12:36

Did Mother's Day also get ignored?

ScrambledSmegs · 08/04/2014 12:38

I'm so sorry you had a shit birthday, pigwidgeom . I don't think you've been silly at all - it's symptomatic of a wider problem in your marriage, that he doesn't think your feelings are important.

Since you've already told him how you feel and he doesn't seem to care, I actually think you need to consider whether this is a deal-breaker for you. If it is, then I'm very sorry . If it isn't, then stop doing anything for his birthday too, and celebrate your own with friends and DCs. Because it clearly doesn't matter at all to him so that lets you off the hook a bit too.

A former colleague of mine did something similar to his long-term DP. She dumped him after a birthday where he presented her with a hastily wrapped roasting tin that he'd got out of the kitchen cupboard. Funnily enough it proved to be the catalyst for change, they got back together after he realised how thoughtless he'd been and how dreadful it made her feel, and have been happily married for nearly 2 decades. But he loved her deeply and felt awful when it finally got through to him what he risked losing.

MaryWestmacott · 08/04/2014 12:47

Nope, that's shit. I don't expect to be treated like a "pwincess" on my birthday, but I want something to acknowledge it.

The mop comment would piss me right off, birthdays gifts are supposed to be treats, who the fuck thinks cleaning the kitchen floor is a treat??? Take it to the logical next step as well, if he bought the mop for you then it clearly isn't a household cleaning item for any member of hte household, it's yours, it therefore is quite clear, cleaning the floor is forever your job.

He's not only failed to buy you a gift, he's made it clear if he had bought you a gift, it would be an insulting one that put you in your place.

It'd take a lot before I'd forgive and forget this combination.

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 12:48

Sorry, what that I said don't you agree with? I didn't intend to say that you shouldn't expect anything for your birthday, what did I say that sounded like that?

hmsdad71 · 08/04/2014 12:55

Belated happy birthday. Thats a big no-no. The other posters are correct. You dont forget a birthday. Or anniversary or Mothers Day. Of course it works the way too.
But your husband should have made an apology (grovelling). You should have shoved the mop where the sun dont shine cleaning end first. Tell him how you feel.
I do hope he realises his error and does make amends.

pigwidgeon991 · 08/04/2014 13:01

Note: I didn't even get the bloody mop!

He was massively sorry last night but I just don't think saying sorry is enough.

Hecate I just meant when you said some adults don't really care about birthdays. You're right that it is about more than the birthday but I do think anyone would be annoyed about it even if it was just about the birthday.

OP posts:

HecatePropylaea · 08/04/2014 13:06

ah, ok, thanks. I wouldn't be annoyed if it was just about the birthday. I don't care about birthdays. Or valentine's day. Or our anniversary. I only remember what year we got married if I add 1 on to the year our eldest was born A lot of adults really truly don't care - you only have to read threads on here to see that. But it was not meant to imply that a person shouldn't care or that they are wrong if they do! And if you read it like that, then I am sorry. I simply meant it as in maybe that's why he doesn't 'get it', if he is one of those who really doesn't see birthdays as a big deal.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/04/2014 13:07

Does he expect his birthday to be acknowledged? My DH comes from a family that doesn't really celebrate birthdays for adults so he doesn't expect his to be celebrated. He completely ignored my birthday one year and didn't really get why I was upset. I explained to him that birthdays are important to me, I expect mine to be acknowledged with at least a card and some flowers and I will remind him a week before my birthday. He's got it right ever since as he now knows what I expect.

Itsfab · 08/04/2014 13:10

It is no wonder you feel the way you do when your husband was going to buy you a mop for your birthday. And he couldn't even be arsed to do that.

I expect he expects all the fuss and presents on his birthday .

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/04/2014 13:12

I should have added that a mop is a shit present. I give DH a list (with pictures)

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 08/04/2014 13:14

That would upset me too but having long been used to a husband who just doesn't understand these things, I have got used to it.

dopeysheep · 08/04/2014 13:16

Can't be that sorry if he does.stuff all about it. Anyone can say sorry.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 08/04/2014 13:19

He is an arse!

Dp would probably forget - so I remind him - constantly . I also tell him what I would like, normally a list of things he can pick from as he is notoriously AWFUL at picking gifts.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/04/2014 13:22

While he is wonderful he never ever makes me feel special of attractive or does anything nice for me

In one sentence you've managed to completely contrardict yourself.
Either he is wonder and makes you feel special or he isn't wonderful at all.
I'm guessing he isn't really that wonderful at all.

If my OH forgot my birthday and then when he realised, didn't go all out to make it up to me, I'd be rethinking everything.
Yes seriously!

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ButEmilylovedhim · 08/04/2014 13:28

You should have shoved the mop where the sun dont shine cleaning end first.

LividofLondon · 08/04/2014 13:32

Even if he can't understand the fuss about birthdays, it's important to you and unless he thinks you don't want to celebrate yours he'd being an arse. He knows it's upset you and for that reason alone should be trying to make it up to you. Failing to do so just adds salt to the wound IMO. Personally I would not tolerate a partner, who is supposed to love me, acting that way. I don't expect grand gestures on my birthday, but do expect a partner to try to make the day special for me (a card and small gift, unprompted, will do), as I would for them. The bar needs to be raised; don't lower your expectations and put up with this crap.

Nosleeptillbedtime · 08/04/2014 13:33

Op, I think my husband must be a bigamist and married to you as well as me! My dh I'd this and what hurt wasn't so much the crapness on my birthday but the complete and utter failure to make up for it when I explained clearly how much it hurt me. No advice sorry, just tea and sympathy. It sucks and it hurts.

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