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Double standards regarding mil

(20 Posts)
Odaat Sat 05-Apr-14 19:57:15

Recently made up with mil and sil after fall out. I did this for sake of dh and dc.

They will not forgive my mother for her part in things (defending me) but I have forgiven them.

I just feel this is all rather unfair that I have been the bigger person, swept everything under the carpet (as mil suggested) and even forgave sil after she threatened to hit me (!?) but they wont forgive my mum for basically giving them a load of abuse they deserved. (They blamed me for a fall out that was dhs doing/ put crap on fb/ phoned me up and said me and dh should split)

AIBU to not seee past this? Should I just continue on as if all is ok in order to keep the peace and have a happy life? I really hate arguments and have already had 2 big fallout a with dh family and my own in past year. I am fed up of arguing. I see others just lettin things go and keeping schtum and I feel I need to dothe same as fall outs depress the life out of me!
I want to be an easy going person and not feel I need to stand up for myself all the time (has been drummed into me from childhood) i just think life is easier to let things go.

But then again my mum is my mum, if mil isn't prepared to forgive her ... Why should I forgive sil for threatening violence- or her ( mil) for starting it all by phoning me and giving me crap in the first place - over an argument me and dh had!

AIBU to ask mil to make up with my mum?
My mum thinks shes nuts, (she is) and couldn't give a flying fuck either way- but she agrees, out of principle really, mil should forgive my mum if I have forgiven her and her crazy daughter.

Nomama Sat 05-Apr-14 20:13:42

Did you see what you did there?

You hid the most important bit... "They blamed me for a fall out that was dhs doing"

You know what comes next...., usual MN terms and conditions [smile[

TheRealAmandaClarke Sat 05-Apr-14 20:15:55

That sounds so confusing (to me)

do you forgive them? Or have you just said so to avoid more confrontation with DH?

Anyway, I would "do a Sheldon" and just apologise to keep them off your back, all the while knowing that you were only being sarcastic, the apology therefore meaning nothing.
You can't make her forgive your DM.

It's a shame that you feel you're always having to defend yourself though. Does DH not hold your corner?

Odaat Sat 05-Apr-14 20:16:16

So its all gonna be blamed on dh?

TheRealAmandaClarke Sat 05-Apr-14 20:18:04

[Grin] possibly.

Was it his fault? <settles in for update>

Odaat Sat 05-Apr-14 20:20:34

I am really sorry, i struggle to articulate myself with emotive subjects! Feelings get in the way.

To clarify; me and inlaws are speaking again, but i feel I cant properly forgive and forget -move on, essentially- until they will atleast be willing to speak to my mum again (If need be)

At family things, I feel it would be majorly awkward if they wouldn't talk to my dm. Plus it annoys me in a trivial sense that I have had to brush all they have done to me under carpet but they wont do same with my mum (mil told dh she wouldn't speak to my mum again)

Odaat Sat 05-Apr-14 20:22:41

The row me and dh has was his fault, but his mum for involved in it phoned me up and blamed me for it and said we should split up then sil got involved and threatened to hit me and put crap on fb (she was pissed apparantly)

echt Sat 05-Apr-14 20:22:46

I don't think you can demand one person forgive another.

What you can do is not tolerate any snide digs at your mum by DH's family, or any silly behaviour when/if they meet at your invitation.

Odaat Sat 05-Apr-14 20:23:43

Dh has fought my corner big time with a this.

echt Sat 05-Apr-14 20:30:53

X-post. In this case I would not refer to the matter again until the need arises. Assume good behaviour, but if they threaten to cut up rough, give them the option of coming and behaving or not coming at all.

You'll need your DH's support in this. Is this likely?

TheRealAmandaClarke Sat 05-Apr-14 20:40:16

You explained it well. I am just very tired.
Forgiveness is an interesting state isn't it? I think it's useful to not keep raking it up but actual forgiveness is more difficult and can take more time. It needs working through in your own mind IYSWIM.
I agree with echt regarding strategies.
Be nice to them. Don't tolerate poor behaviour towards/ badmouth ing of your DM.

Nomama Sat 05-Apr-14 20:41:27

Well, you have to make uo your own mind. Can you and your mum live with it, smile and move one?

I did for years with SIL but finally gave up and told her where to get off.

I think the years I put up with her were for good reason but I wouldn't do it again. I feel so much less stressed now I can completely ignore her existence without even the slightest glimmer of guilt.

You may have to discuss it with DH if and when it comes up again. At some point it might feel natural for you to see his family less. The fb stuff, just block/unfriend or whatever it is you do. tell DH and then he can be ready with a "So what do you expect, given how you have used it in the past?"

If you get this right between you and DH you will be able to relax and giggle about it - we do and it is cathartic! Mind you our families live hundreds of mile apart.

DoJo Sat 05-Apr-14 21:09:47

I wouldn't worry about it unless it is actually an issue - getting cross with someone for what you think they might do if they see your mum is going to drive you mad. Act if they act, don't worry about things that they could say and if they are rude to your mum then you can deal with that if and when it happens.

Sandytrousers Sat 05-Apr-14 22:01:36

I want to be an easy going person and not feel I need to stand up for myself all the time (has been drummed into me from childhood) i just think life is easier to let things go.

Do what feels right. If you want to let all the drama wash over you and enjoy the lovely things about your life regardless of the other people in it behaving like children then do so.

It sounds exhausting a just a tiny bit silly.

Remove yourself from all if it, physically and emotionally.

Really, in the time it took you to repeat all the stuff other people are banging on about, you could have eaten chocolate, had sex, watched a (short) film, looked at a sunset.

Cobain Sat 05-Apr-14 22:43:01

You can only control your own actions, even if your MIL decided to let the feud slip because you asked her to, both you and your DM would know that it meant nothing. Being civil is most you can ask for.

TheFabulousIdiot Sat 05-Apr-14 22:51:54

You posted about this before? From memory your mum's involvement was minimal really?

Your mil is being an arse, your husband should be telling her this.

Your mum doesn't give a toss so what you decide to do for the sake of your mil and DH should be a separate thing.

Are you happy with this?

elmerelephant Sun 06-Apr-14 11:42:35

My ils wont socialise with my DM as they disapprove of her big time (too much socialising, champagne and wild parties) Which I thought was dreadful at first and then I realised if I invite my DM my iLs wont come, result!!!
So it might work in your favour that your inlaws wont forgive your mum, you can see much less of them if shes around, and your DH cant say anything if its their decision not to speak to her.

Odaat Sun 06-Apr-14 12:55:49

Elmer elephant i never looked at it like that! I could use them not liking her as a strategic plan to barely see them, haha.

I was with mil today and she is so nice at times but so bloody negative and worry worry worry , fret fret fret. Jesus, I am so glad I do see less of her as awful as it sounds.

I think what I am mainly bothered about (trivial as it may appear/be) is the principle of it. Mil is a bloody perpetual victem/ martyr and will not apologise to me. But she gets in her high horse about my mother defending me against her and her wayward nutjob of a daughter. So I have to brush it all under carpet and move in from what They did, but she cannot from what my mother did (which was far less)

I suppose I can just accept this as a fact, be happy I am the bigger person and grin and bear it!? I suppose forcing her to forgive my mother is just not going to work. But, in the long run this mean I will never really forget it. I will never really like her as I once have, beause her behaviour is infantile and unfair.

I am not saying I will hate her forever - i simply mean the respect has gone.

elmerelephant Sun 06-Apr-14 13:22:36

Go for it, I never had my ILs for Xmas as I would invite both my DM and Ils and as my mum was always coming, my Ils wouldnt.
They went to my Sil instead, who once said would we have the ils but when I pointed out that I always invited them, but it was their choice to go to her and not us, there was nothing further said, and it wasnt up to me to persuade them to come and join in the fun with my mum!

Cheepypeepy Sun 06-Apr-14 15:31:30

go with elmerelephant´s suggestion win-win!

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