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That I don't love,like or respect him (Possible Trigger content)

(18 Posts)
bongobaby Sat 05-Apr-14 17:32:43

My father has a milestone birthday coming up and I really don't care, I'm feeling so what.
He regularly beat my mother when they were together as a very young couple. Left her with broken bones, black eyes and would sit on her pregnant tummy and beat her in the face. She left him when I was a small baby and he took me from her and disapeared with me for a few days, the police found him and he went to jail for a few months.
Anyway he was in and out of my life sometimes it would be five years without seeing him. In short he was a shit dad that went on to produce another 16 half siblings with various different women all over the place. He is still an arse and has never lived with any of his kids for long because he went on to beat all the mothers of his kids.
I no longer speak with my mother she was toxic and abusive to us children. But I do not condone that my father use to beat her and I hate it that he did.
Now that its his milestone next month I am expected to by some of my younger siblings to have a surprise party for him organised by his kids. No I don't bloody want to I don't like him I know I sound like a brat but I have no time for the man. I feel put in a position, my siblings love him, I don't. I can see its going to cause a row

MistressDeeCee Sat 05-Apr-14 17:36:51

No, you don't sound like a brat at all. You are an adult, you know why you feel as you do. Don't let anybody - younger siblings or not - tell you what you SHOULD do. If they row with you then you will have to face that. You're not their scapegoat for what your father did to you all - let them go and row with him if they want, but you are entitled to your peace. In your place I would say a resounding NO and nothing or nobody on earth would convince me to change my mind. Abusers are nothing, and owed nothing.

Forgettable Sat 05-Apr-14 17:36:58

Not brattish at all to withdraw

I am so sorry your parents have let you down so so badly x

picnicbasketcase Sat 05-Apr-14 17:37:58

Oh what a shame, you're busy that day and it's something that can't be moved or cancelled...? I wouldn't want anything to do with him either, tbh.

Marylou62 Sat 05-Apr-14 17:41:20

I think you are perfectly entitled to not have anything to do with him. it sounds like you had an awful childhood. Parties are to celebrate the love we have for someone surely? Just say no. Hope it doesn't cause a row, but the alternative is doing what they are asking.

bongobaby Sat 05-Apr-14 17:43:17

I use the term father loosely as to me he is no sort of father and I could and have never looked to him as a role model in my life. The thought of standing there helping him celebrate makes me sick and angry.

Clobbered Sat 05-Apr-14 17:44:47

Presumably your younger siblings are adults now as well? Surely then they can understand that no means no, and if they press you for reasons, you can simply remain calm, look them in the eye and tell them why. If they can't accept that, then perhaps you don't want them in your life either?
I think you should book yourself a special treat on that day, just because… spa? theatre trip? whatever you damn well please!

Jbck Sat 05-Apr-14 17:46:06

I wouldn't make excuses just explain why you do not wish to celebrate with the man.
I'm sorry that this was your childhood.

thebody Sat 05-Apr-14 17:47:38

I would simply tell them they as dad is a monster I won't be seeing him now or on his birthday or ever.

You sound lovely and I hope you now have a much better life free from those nasty bastards who failed so spectacularly at their parenting jobs.

bongobaby Sat 05-Apr-14 17:55:44

A lot of siblings feel the same and don't like him. It would feel so fake and forced to go or help in organising a party. Now that he is older he acts like father of the year with the younger siblings. I love my kids he says but he only does this when addressing the younger two. Like the older ones never existed.

diaimchlo Sat 05-Apr-14 17:57:36

I am so totally with the others on this one YADNBU at all. You are being true to yourself.

Say "no I do not want to be involved at all in any way at all. I feel that it would be hypocritical of me as I have no feelings for him that warrant me celebrating his birthday with him."

If your siblings react in a negative way that is their problem not yours. Xx

Nomama Sat 05-Apr-14 17:58:31

Quite simply, no. NU at all. I am sure we can help with a few succinct sentences:

Celebrate with that man, have you lost your minds, forgotten what he is truly like?

Milestone? Tombstone, maybe. But only maybe.

bongobaby Sat 05-Apr-14 18:13:19

Sniggering at milestone,tombstone maybe. That's another thing when he does pop his clogs I would feel the same about not attending his funeral, same goes for my mother.
He doesn't see anything wrong with producing loads of kids with different women and not paying for any of them, he's so proud of it and has a good laugh about it. I find it embarrassing.

formerbabe Sat 05-Apr-14 18:17:20

Don't do it! Walk away...he sounds like a complete waste of space.

Meerka Sat 05-Apr-14 18:17:29

I think that you need to respect your own feelings. If it makes you feel sick and angry to celebrate his birthday then you need to not do it.

If they don't understand / get that, then your younger siblings can simply not understand.

( personal view - Not honouring a persistant woman-beater sounds just fine to me)

bongobaby Sat 05-Apr-14 18:24:02

That is what angers me the most that he is a persistent women beater and I am expected to help celebrate and pat him on the back for being a women beater.i abore him for that, I'm not that bothered that he was in and out of my life.
I wouldn't celebrate a rapist,child abuser I would shun them like I want to do to him.
Wish some of my siblings would wake up to the fact that he aint all that instead of running of to clintons buying cards and balloons for the twat.

bongobaby Sat 05-Apr-14 18:24:47


Nomama Sat 05-Apr-14 18:36:01

Shun away. You don't even need to explain it to them. But you could make it plain to your older sibs and make a stand, support each other.

DH never quite managed it and I have always felt a bit guilty cos I encouraged him to work on a better relationship with his DM. Fortunately we both survived the aftermath, eventually, But, because of that, I would always advise someone to be true to their own feelings rather than to stifle them and be polite/be what is expected.

But that is your decision, good luck.

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