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To not want to share my son on my birthday!

(93 Posts)
TeresaGreene Fri 04-Apr-14 13:29:26

Basically, I do not get on with my ex partners wife. I initially made an effort with her as I wanted to get on with her for the sake of my son who sees his dad twice a week. She however has always had a problem with me, has tried to intimidate me by sending horrid text messages and has caused problems between myself and my ex partner. Anyway, the thing is that unfortunately we both share the same birthday and my ex has been in touch asking if ds can go out for a meal for her birthday in evening. I would really like to spend my whole birthday with my son and my family. AIBU to not want to share my son on my birthday? Please help as I don't want to be horrible or cause more problems but I do find it hard to stick up for myself against them.

Lilaclily Fri 04-Apr-14 13:55:48

If this was posted on the step mothers thread
'my partners ex won't let my step son come to dinner on my birthday' the responses would be entirely different

Lilaclily Fri 04-Apr-14 13:58:12

But why can't he do both Beverley if he wants to?
She is probably having a family meal & she'd like him there
Its a nice thing surely ?
& the op has said the ex has asked not demanded

I'd ask your ds op what he'd like to do

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 04-Apr-14 13:58:40

Lilac no it wouldn't, not if the step-mother explained that it was also her DSS's actual mother's birthday!

needaholidaynow Fri 04-Apr-14 14:00:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoomBoomsCousin Fri 04-Apr-14 14:00:04

So this isn't about you wanting your son with you on your birthday, it's about having the power to say "no" to someone you don't like, and doing it? YABU. Don't use your son as a weapon. Feeling like you are the only one being grownup sucks, but it's what your son needs. You won't make his life better (or yours actually) by increasing the number of people around him who act like idiots. It would probably feel like a hollow victory anyway.

gordyslovesheep Fri 04-Apr-14 14:00:05

it's a family meal - he is part of the family - he should be there

you still get to see him and do something for your birthday - but he shouldn't have to choose because you don't like her

WooWooOwl Fri 04-Apr-14 14:02:36

I don't think it matters that your rights come above hers, this isn't some kind of sick competition.

But if you have plans already, you have plans already. Just leave it at that.

No doubt they will celebrate step mums birthday when your ds does go to them around that date.

gordyslovesheep Fri 04-Apr-14 14:04:09

the OP doesn't say she has plans - just that she wants to spend the whole day with him

toomanypasswords Fri 04-Apr-14 14:06:52

My DPs ex and I share a birthday too. We get on fine now but on 'our' birthday, their DD usually spends the day with her, not us. That said, I can't remember what happened last time around. Ultimately though, if she wants to spend the day with her DC on her birthday, regardless of whether it's DPs day or not, she spends it with her. YANBU to want your DS with you.

Parsley2506 Fri 04-Apr-14 14:07:21

Do you actually have plans for your bday OP? If you do then you're totally fine to say no and they'll just have to suck it up and do something another day with your son.
If you don't, then YABU - don't make your son sit at home with you when he could be having a nice meal with ExDP & family just so you can 'win'.

WooWooOwl Fri 04-Apr-14 14:07:29

That is a plan!

Although it would be a bit selfish if she just wanted to sit at home all day doing nothing out of the ordinary.

needaholidaynow Fri 04-Apr-14 14:07:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowfeet Fri 04-Apr-14 14:08:29

I'd feel exactly the same & there are a few days a year I like dd with me ie; my birthday, her half brothers birthday, Mother's Day etc.. & I think as the residential parent that's my right!

WorraLiberty Fri 04-Apr-14 14:12:28

My ds is 8 and I admit that he enjoys spending time with his dad and step-mum (not surprising really as they spoil him rotten!) I fully admit that I wouldn't mind him seeing her on her birthday if she wasn't so horrible to me.

YABVU in that case.

This is about your son. Whether you and her get along or not should be irrelevant I'm afraid.

Jinty64 Fri 04-Apr-14 14:34:39

I would let him go and you can do something really nice the following day/day before. That way he has two lovely celebrations and you are the bigger person.

allmycats Fri 04-Apr-14 14:39:48

You appear to be doing this to spite the 'other woman' who you admit your son likes being with. Why can't you spend just the day with him and then let your son go for a meal with his father and new partner. It is not just about you when you have children.

TeresaGreene Fri 04-Apr-14 15:06:46

I think I am being spiteful tbh. It's just that I wanted to go out for the day with him and the rest of my family. I don't want to use my son as a weapon...

TeresaGreene Fri 04-Apr-14 15:07:16

I think I am being spiteful tbh. It's just that I wanted to go out for the day with him and the rest of my family. I don't want to use my son as a weapon...

TeresaGreene Fri 04-Apr-14 15:08:42

Oops posted twice. Am definitely listening to all the advice and thinking that perhaps it would be nice for ds to share both celebrations.

badidea Fri 04-Apr-14 15:10:30

Well do out with him and the rest of the family, if there is no time for him to see your partners ex that night, so be it. You come first, it's your birthday. If he can spend the whole day with you and still see them at night, fairy nuff, if not, your plans come first and they have to fit in. Don't dwell on it, it's your birthday :-)

gamerchick Fri 04-Apr-14 15:13:07

I think I would ask him what he wants in this instance.

badidea Fri 04-Apr-14 15:15:29

Why should Op ask her son what he wants to do? It's not his birthday, it's her birthday, she's bloody entitled to have her son spend the day with her (whether he likes it or not). What if he decides he'd rather spend the day with 'fun' stepmum? Does she just suck it up and have a crappy miserable day?

Xalla Fri 04-Apr-14 15:16:47


I wouldn't for a minute ask for contact to be altered so that my DSD could spend my birthday with me. And that's coming from a SM's point of view.

Of course your birthday trumps hers.

MaryWestmacott Fri 04-Apr-14 15:17:01

well, if you have plans with your extended family, then just say no, already got plans.

However if you didn't, could you not just say, do a big family lunch then send your DS to his Dads for dinner and to spend the night, so you can go out with your friends get hideously drunk and dance badly, then sleep off the hangover in peace?

heavenstobetsy Fri 04-Apr-14 15:18:10

Sorry if I missed it, but would your Ex normally be due to have your son on that day? if not and you were planning on going out for the day then I would say thanks for the invitation but we already have plans ...... if on the other hand you were just going to sit in I'd let him go

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