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To want to tell this mum how devastated our 6 year old is

(292 Posts)
BuntCadger Fri 04-Apr-14 11:54:56

My ds2 has high functioning autism. he's very affectionate and kind but often plays on his own but is very attached to a couple of kids. These children came to his party (whole class invited) and it was clear that they all got on well. One little boy, I'll call him harry, told ds2 he was invited to his party. no invite was ever received and we invited harry over to play which was declined by text saying "thanks but can we just leave it for now".

School have called to say ds2 inconsolable repeating it's too late it's too late. It appears harry had his party and he and other children have told ds2. This might seem minor but for ds2 it's a big big deal. He doesn't have play dates etc like other kids. He can only manage school part time and is being statemented. He Isn't naughty, he isn't a bad influence, he isn't violent, he simply cannot cope with the anxiety he feels and sensory processing issues.

I feel like I want to tell this parent and anyone else this as it simply isn't fair that they exclude him for being different sad sad

Goldenhandshake Fri 04-Apr-14 11:57:54

Oh that is heartbreaking for your little boy. I am not entirely sure how I would handle this.

Blueberrymuffint0p Fri 04-Apr-14 12:01:15

Gosh people can be so cruel. I don't know the best way to handle this either, if you're on friendly terms I think a chat would help. The mum may not realise how much the friendship means to your ds.

Rosa Fri 04-Apr-14 12:02:04

Your poor boy. This isn't Harry its the parents ... I would honestly leave it be totally polite friendly if anything over the top. Always say Hi to harry when you see him ( make them feel shit out of polite and kindness). Leave the offer of harry coming over to play open.

SparklySocks Fri 04-Apr-14 12:02:26

Some parents are twats of the highest order. Your poor little boy. I remember when my son was about 7, the twins across the road had their party. All the kids were invited and ds knew them all. I still remember his sad face and him begging me to go and I had to explain he wasn't invited. we went out in the end. Never forgave that mum for flaunting it in his face like that.

QueenAnneofAustria Fri 04-Apr-14 12:02:29

That us very sad for your DS and must be heartbreaking for you as a parent.

I don't however know what you can do really. Of course you can speak to other parents, you have nothing to lose by doing so but there may be done children who just prefer to make friends elsewhere, sometimes parents try to influence friendships etc. none of this is nice but I think it might be better to keep trying to put efforts in where it might make a difference, e.g. Maybe with other parents.

Fwiw my DS2 is a bit of a loner, seems friendly with everyone but doesn't have play dates etc. either. I feel bad about it but this isn't the only way to foster friendships z

Comeatmefam Fri 04-Apr-14 12:04:06

Oh my love, that is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. People can be thoughtless or just not realise/be aware of things. I don't know what to suggest but sending you hugs thanks

MillyJones Fri 04-Apr-14 12:04:53

That must feel awful for you, gut wrenchingly awful. Im not sure that I would approach the parents. They may get defensive and give you their reasons for not inviting him which you might not like and then you would be more hurt. I guess you cant make people invite your kids to parties and it does hurt when you see the pain on your childs face but this is something he needs to learn and adjust to like all kids do when they are left out of something. Horrible lessons all the same but it will happen again and again. So sorry that your feeling this pain.

Becles Fri 04-Apr-14 12:05:03

Is the mother worried about the possible pressure of expectation on her child if your son has only 'attached' to a couple of kids in school?

I think rather than jumping in to ask why your DS was not invited to the party, a gentle text (better yet a call, if you think you will not become emotional) checking if there are any issues that you may need to be aware of. It may also be worth flagging to your DS's teacher to get his / her feedback as something to keep an eye on.

In the meantime would your son find something like cubs workable? This will widen his social circle a bit as well as incorporating a weekly ' play date' fixture.

Good luck, it can't be easy.

JuliaScurr Fri 04-Apr-14 12:06:56

I'm often speechless at the thoughtless cruelty of adults to children. Maybe schools should educate parents about this type of thing as it seems a common problem

TheXxed Fri 04-Apr-14 12:07:10

I am so sorry this happened to your son some people are so fucking cruel, I think you probably should say something to the mother but I get the feeling she will just become defensive and turn it into a fight.

shakinstevenslovechild Fri 04-Apr-14 12:07:13

How sad for your son sad

I don't really think you should say anything to the Mum, you are assuming things that may not be there.

I am turning down invites left, right and centre for dd just now because she is having some behavioural problems and needs a strict routine at the moment, I know at least one parent as taken the huff, and I know my dc have said to various people over the years that they will be invited to things and I haven't been told until afterwards.

I know it doesn't change things for your ds if they do have their reasons though, and that sucks, thanks for you op.

DoJo Fri 04-Apr-14 12:07:17

I would maybe have a word with the parents on the guise of 'Is everything ok - are you concerned about the friendship?' to establish if there has been any specific incident or event that has made them wary about their son being friends with yours. Harry may have said something or expressed concerns that they are acting on, and it's possible it could all be resolved if you work together.

WilsonFrickett Fri 04-Apr-14 12:07:29

That's a horrible thing to have happened, your poor wee boy. Unfortunately as the mother of a nearly 9 yo who is frequently in the same situation, I don't think there's anything you can do or say to the parents. They aren't nice people. Just focus on your boy.

I remember when DS was the only one not invited to a party, he was devastated, the mother then sat down next to us at a school event and started talking across me to the mother of another boy who had been invited about the arrangements. I mean, FFS, have a little tact!

Please give your DS a big hug from me.

BarbarianMum Fri 04-Apr-14 12:08:02


Was it a whole class party, or one that all the boys in class were invited to? If so, then yes I'd speak to the other mum about exclusion (and enjoy watching her avoid me for the next 6 years).

If it was a party for just some of the class, though, I don't think you can say anything. Maybe 'Harry' isn't particularly close to your ds, or maybe numbers were restricted or maybe he changed his mind every 2 days about who he wanted to invite? His mum may not have known that her ds 'invited' yours - small children do do this however much you tell them not to .

I think all you can do to help your son is to acknowledge his feelings and try and explain that not everybody can go to every party and that you are only really invited to a party when you get an invitation. You could also point out that Harry did want him to go, only there wasn't space (if you think this will help).

formerbabe Fri 04-Apr-14 12:08:09

I would say

'oh I hear (insert name) is having a party. Of course, you can invite whoever you want but (insert name) had told (insert name) that he would be getting an invite. Have they had a falling out at all that you know about?'

Mum will probably be mortified and invite him or pretend she forgot to invite him and ask if he would like to come.

SanctiMoanyArse Fri 04-Apr-14 12:09:43

Oh no I am so sad for your Ds. Have had same scenario with Ds4 (no dx yet but 2 diagnosed siblings and quite obvious). Heartbreaker for him, and for you.

In the very unlikely chance you are near Newport Gwent we have a birthday next week, Ds4 turns 6, he'd be welcome. In that unlikely case PM me.

When Ds3 was being excluded we started to only in vite excluded kids to parties, there are often more than you think. Bloody amazing parties they were, full of fun and returned invites. Always a joy.

But immense hugs to you and your son.

Peachy (will be going back to that name later)

whomadeyougod Fri 04-Apr-14 12:12:57

he might not of been excluded for being different as you say , when my ds had a party i asked him who he wanted to invite he could have 15 out of the 30 in his class , it might of been the little boy who chose what friends were coming, do feel sad for your ds though .

QueenAnneofAustria Fri 04-Apr-14 12:13:36

Sanctimony- that sounds like a lovely thing to do.

SanctiMoanyArse Fri 04-Apr-14 12:14:35

Ps if he wants a penfriend or anything, Day4 is also quite isolated at school. . He's also statemented. As a mother and ASD MA Student I hate this sort of thing. I am fairly well k own around mn, no stalker! Even MNHQ know of me I am so old ;)

Viviennemary Fri 04-Apr-14 12:15:05

I think under the circumstances it was very mean indeed to leave your son out. I don't think I'd say anything to the Mum. But I'd have my own thoughts as to what type of person she is. And I agree with explaining that not everyone can go to every party.

everlong Fri 04-Apr-14 12:16:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum Fri 04-Apr-14 12:16:35

Sorry just reread and see that it was a whole class party. She's a cow then, I would challenge her about the party then ignore. angry

gamerchick Fri 04-Apr-14 12:17:49

If the other kid hadn't verbally invited him then I wouldn't say anything.. Mine never gets invited and I actually think some of the parents enjoy seeing him upset about it.. it's most odd.

I really would text the mother asking for all future parties could she ask her kid not to invite your son and then rub his nose in it afterwards because it's cruel and you have one inconsolable little boy on your hands. Word it so it's polite, just so it doesn't happen again.

Poor thing.. It is an awful awful thing to see happen to your child.. it hurts your heart, especially as you know there is years of this to go sad

DeWe Fri 04-Apr-14 12:17:52

It is upsetting, but it isn't necessarily the parent/child excluding him for being different.

All my dc have at times been told by a child that they will invite them to a party and the invitation has not been received. Some children use the statement "you are invited to my party" to mean "we are friends today"-equally well the opposite of that. My dc have learnt to take such statements with a pinch of salt (esp. when the child saying it has 9 months to go before their birthday!) it did take a bit of time for them to realise that though.

Going part time will reduce the number of parties considerably-particularly at that age when the people invited often is the set they played with that day. Dd2 had a child in her class who was part time, and although most of the girls would have regarded her as a friend, she came further down the friendship chain that others for whom they played with every day, simply because they saw less of her.

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