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Not to fight this battle for DSis?

(17 Posts)
ShreddieGreen Thu 03-Apr-14 16:22:29

About two years ago, following the breakdown of her marriage, my DSis had a fling with our stepsister's husband. It was a one-time thing, my DSis and SS's husband moved on and it was all kept under wraps, though I and my DF (married to SS's mum) knew about it.

I should add at this point that DF and SM have only been married a few years and we are not particularly close to SS, I personally have only met her a handful of times as we live in different towns.

A couple of weeks ago, SS's husband was caught out sending naughty texts to another woman (who was not interested and who told SS). In the interest of clearing the air and thinking it would help repair his marriage, SS's husband confessed all to SS.

Of course, massive shockwaves ensued, and SS and her husband have now split. SS sent a string of nasty texts to my DSis calling her lots of names etc.

Unfortunately, this happened about a week before my DF was due to celebrate a big birthday. He had a party booked and everything, but because of everything that was going on, he decided to cancel.

I have a disabled DS who finds social gatherings very stressful, and for whom I have problems finding a babysitter. So rather than go to the party, DH and I suggested that we do a nice dinner for DF and SM at ours. This was all planned and arranged before any of this happened, BTW.

Last night, DSis phoned to ask if she could tag along on our dinner. Offered to contribute, and help cook etc. This is all fine with me, but I did say to her that it wasn't just DF coming, and that SM was not keen on seeing DSis just yet out of loyalty to SS. I suggested that DSis phone up our DF and sound him out about it.

DSis was very angry with me, saying why should she be the one who was punished and not get to see DF on his birthday. She thinks I should uninvite SM out of loyalty to her.

I replied that I thought if she wanted to clear the air and put her feelings across, that speaking to DF and SM herself was the way to go. But DSis said that she didn't care what SM thought of her anyway.

So it seems to me as though she wants someone to stand up for her point of view and challenge what she thinks of as unfair treatment, but she doesn't want to do it herself.

From my perspective, I think that I had invited SM before any of this happened, it's not her fault, and that she is feeling loyalty towards her daughter, who after all must be reeling right now. She hasn't said she will never see DSis again, just not right now.

I also think that whatever the circumstances, DSis has done a really shitty thing to SS and should really take it on the chin a bit. I think she is a bit surprised at how angry and upset SS was, which I am baffled by.

DSis seems to think they should all just get over it as it happened two years ago and wasn't a big deal. And that I am being really disloyal by taking someone else's side.

So, AIBU? I think this really isn't a battle I want to fight on DSis's behalf.

Cereal0ffender Thu 03-Apr-14 16:24:31

Your sister sounds like a dick

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Thu 03-Apr-14 16:27:48

Yup. Agree. Your sister sounds like a nasty piece of work. Tell her Karma's a bitch, and don't pull yourself down by defending her frankly horrible behaviour.

dollius Thu 03-Apr-14 16:28:20

Do not even contemplate dis-inviting your SM. It would be beyond rude and extremely hurtful towards both her and your DF.

Your DSis is being ridiculous. She made her bed, she can jolly well lie in it

quietbatperson Thu 03-Apr-14 16:31:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phantomnamechanger Thu 03-Apr-14 16:32:42

DSis needs to bloomin well grow up! she sounds like a spoilt stroppy child!

wishingchair Thu 03-Apr-14 16:36:45

Guess she was surprised at SS's reaction because she feels guilty about it and therefore has belittled it in her mind over the last 2 years.

Just be clear you're not taking sides, but this has nothing to do with you, it is DF's birthday and that's all that matters.

Preciousbane Thu 03-Apr-14 16:37:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finola1step Thu 03-Apr-14 16:38:57

Your sister has behaved terribly, both then and now.

Why on earth would you want your sister at this meal? Stick to the original plan of just your df and sm because the original reason for this plan (your ds) is what is important. Do not let your sis gate crash because it serves her purpose.

Your sister needs to grow up and accept responsibility for her behaviour. This kind of situation can fracture a family beyond repair if she is not careful. Keep out of it as much as possible and concentrate on giving your df and ds a pleasant, relaxed time together. Your sis does not come into it.

Pumpkinpositive Thu 03-Apr-14 16:42:23

Does your sister have previous form for this kind of behaviour? (not the extra marital shagging)

Or has her insensitivity and intransigence come as a boat from the blue?

Ohbyethen Thu 03-Apr-14 16:43:38

Yanbu. I absolutely would not invite her in place of SM. If I did I wouldn't be surprised to see my own relationship with my DF and SM suffer.
Your sister made an amoral decision - in many cases I have said the OW owes nothing to the wife, if she's even known about, and that the husband is the betrayer but your sister carries as much blame in this situation. They did an awful thing to your stepsister and then seized by moral cowardice and wanting to save their own hides set out on a long term deception.
Personally I couldn't look at her and would be leaving her to muck out her own shit heap.
I would want to make it very clear I am not like my sister and do not condone such selfish, destructive behaviour and that SS was supported by me.

Your sister is chafing at having to admit to and take responsibility for her poor choices - that's the mark of the selfish and cowardly. She's not even remotely apologetic. I would be very disappointed in her and angry that I was put in a position of having to either lie and keep quiet or rip the bottom from my SSis world. Nasty piece of work.

growingolddicustingly Thu 03-Apr-14 16:43:57

Time for your sister to face the music.

AngelaDaviesHair Thu 03-Apr-14 16:47:09

Do not invite her, stick to your original plan. If your Dsis wants to make peace with DF and your SM she should find a way to do it directly. Ambushing them at your dinner party and expecting them to pretend nothing untoward has happened is hardly the way.

cory Thu 03-Apr-14 16:48:24

The etiquette book is your friend. Explain that you cannot uninvite somebody who has been invited and refuse to be drawn into further discussions.

AdoraBell Thu 03-Apr-14 16:58:01

Don't change your plans. Don't liase between DSis and other family members.

I can't believe someone would shag someone else's husband, not that he didn't join in, and then not see why that someone is upset or angryconfused. Truly baffled.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Thu 03-Apr-14 17:01:39

Wow. Just wow. I agree with everyone else. I like unanimous AIBU's, you don't see them too often!

Ludways Thu 03-Apr-14 17:12:51

I agree with everyone else, DSis is being an arse.

Your df and sm could probably do with a lovely evening away from both of their dd's, they've probably heard nothing else for weeks and are sick of it.

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