AIBU to ask my partner to abandon his business?

[OscarandTimmy]

I put a previous AIBU thread about moving abroad with children, but have realised I am being hasty.

I am from Manchester but moved to be with my partner when we had a baby (1yo). It wasn't an option at the time for him to move with me as he has a painting and decorating business in Blackpool. He brings home around 500 a week, and the commute from Manchester would have been in excess of £100 a week in petrol (heavy transit van full of tools)

We currently live in central Blackpool - drunks, stag and hen dos, homelessness, poverty, run down, etc etc.

I am becoming more and more unhappy living here and have spent the day in tears (maybe something to do with pregnancy hormones!)
I feel I will never be happy here and do not want my son to grow up in one of the most deprived towns in the UK with a poor standard of education. With another baby on the way, we also need extra room.

We had a financial adviser round who said it would be impossible for us to buy a new house at the moment due to our financial situation.

I have been looking for jobs for him and there are quite a few available £12-£14 and hour. He is very experienced and has all qualifications. This is more than what he is earning at the moment with his business.

I feel that if he is not willing to move, I may have to move out on my own. However hard it is, I just cannot continue being this unhappy and I am concerned about my son growing up here.

I have two AIBU's:

AIBU to ask him to abandon his business and get work with someone else? I understand he is proud, and it has been going around 7 years, but it will be better for the family. It would not be possible to live out of town due to commuting costs, and we hardly have enough money as it is. We missed a mortgage payment this month, and will have to pay double next month.

AIBU to remove ourselves from the property ladder and rent instead? Buying elsewhere is impossible.

Sorry if Im jumbled up, writing through tears!

[OscarandTimmy]

Meant to say I am a SAHM, but with a uni place guaranteed for 2015. I am also willing to work from home if anybody has any suggestions as to what.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I think you are too confused and upset right now to make any sort of massive changes to be honest.

Plus....it's not just as simple as all that to just get him to change jobs. My DH is a painter and decorator and there is no way on this earth he would be prepared to give it up and go and work for someone else.

You need to sit down and have a chat together and see what you can come up with to make yourself feel better here and now.

[squeakytoy]

Yabu. There are plenty of places just a few miles outside Blackpool that are perfectly nice and affordable. Thornton, cleveleys, lytham..

[Joules68]

So you'd happily move away and leave your DH behind?

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Could he sell the business? If it's been going 7 years then I would have thought it would have some value. Seems daft to just give it up. You could then move and he take one of the jobs for the short term and then use the profits of the sale as money to support you all while he sets up a new business.

[OscarandTimmy]

Ok so what about my second AIBU? Would we be silly to sell the house, hence removing ourselves from the property ladder, and rent in one of the surrounding areas instead?

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I would stay on the property ladder if you can - I just can't see the point in coming off to go into rented accommodation - you may as well pay your mortgage rather than someone elses.

[KeepSmiling123]

I really feel for upu, as someone who was in a relatively simialr situation I had to ask my dh to make massive changes as I was so unhappy. However it wasn't as simple as either this or that, we looked at our options each said what we could and couldn't do and came to a compromise. I don't think you can make any of these decisions without careful consideration with your dp. I don't tjink it os a simple as ypu decidong what is best and then asking him to follow that. You both have to be willing to compromise

[OscarandTimmy]

I suppose he could sell it, never thought about that, but unsure how he would go about it.
Its getting to the point Jules, that yes that is the way I am feeling. He is a fantastic Dad and good partner but does not understand how desperately unhappy I feel. He is also up to his eyeballs in debt and is continuing not to pay his tax bill (£4000 and rising) much to my distress. He is dyslexic so it probably stems from that where bills are concerned, so I ask him to let me help him but he says 'later' all the time. I cannot sort these things myself as I am not the named person.

I guess Im just feeling like I moved from my friends and family to move to a dump, with the constant stress of debts.

OK I may be being unreasonable where the business is concerned - I would be happy to sell the house, rent instead and clear his debts with the money!

[OscarandTimmy]

I just can't live like this any longer- pregnancy hormones are probably making it all seem worse.

[Beastofburden]

You will feel less helpless if you have a Plan. I suggest:

(a) Look at where you want to be living in five years time and what that would cost. Take schools etc into account, and plan for a "forever" home.

(b) Work out how much money you need to save before your finances improve so that you can sell up and move there.

(c) Agree a joint plan with DP to get you to that position. It might include doing a different job, but you don't know that.

(d) The Plan might involve selling the house now, taking a financial hit, and renting for a while. But most likely it won't, because property is rising in value. What else can you do to add value to the house, so you can sell it for more?

(e) Find ways to tolerate where you are for five years. Partly, knowing you have a plan will help. But also: doubleglazing to cut noise and add value; find some friends locally; find some of the positives about the area that you can enjoy while you are still there.

[Beastofburden]

I cannot sort these things myself as I am not the named person.

you can, you can write a letter to the taxman nominating you as his agent and make him sign it.

[BumPotato]

What about moving to a place where painter and decorators earn much more?

Those pay rates seem low to me.

[OscarandTimmy]

Thanks Beast of Burden, I did not know that!
I think a plan is definitely what we need, but it's hard for me to pin him down to make one. I think things have come to a head as I have been trying for months to sort finances. I file all his paperwork and locate debt numbers for him to ring etc etc.

He says that I nag him (which I probably do), and he is the one bringing the money in, I should be grateful.

[OscarandTimmy]

In Blackpool, rates of pay are low I'm afraid. He obviously does charge more than £500 a week, but this is after expenses such as petrol etc. but he also does work in London for his sister and all of her friends. He gets much more there, but this is a 2 x a year type thing.

[Beastofburden]

Can you get him to see this as more of a partnership? you say he is dyslexic: it might be a big help if you took over paperwork and finances and gave him pocketmoney. rather than ask him to do it.

It's hard for him too. He has gone from being fancy free to having 1 DC plus another one arriving. It sounds as if he is hiding from financial truth, perhaps as he knows its a big ask to support his family and he's not sure he can do it.

Lots of partnerships work really well with the mother doing the finances and paperwork for the father's business, it could be good for you both too. Try to have the conversation along the lines of, I want to be your partner in the business and help us get to a better future, please let me be part of this.

I wonder if you both need some financial coaching? one session with an advisor isn't going to do the job. If you had more confidence around money management and debt management, you might see this in a different light. Look at this for instance.

What is your Uni course going to be in?

[Groovee]

I nagged dh numerous times to leave the family business so we could have done things without the stresses which it brought. I really regret not pushing it further and dh regrets not listening to me.

He did it at the worse possible time and didn't tell me. It caused a lot of issues at the time.

Your dp really needs to get that tax bill sorted though!

[redexpat]

Have you made any friends in blackpool? You dont sound as if you have much other support.

[OscarandTimmy]

My uni course is in social work. I am willing to do the paperwork for him, but obviously I need his input for figures etc...and he just says 'later' I then get accused of nagging him if I continue to ask.
I guess we do need some proper financial help and advice. I think he is quite ashamed of the debt so buries his head in the sand. But that helps nobody!

[OscarandTimmy]

I have a few friends in Blackpool, but not any that I would confide in out of loyalty to OH. He does not want anybody else knowing about our troubles.

[missymayhemsmum]

OP, sounds as though you are a bit hormonal and at risk of making hasty decisions.
Like Beast says, see if you and your DP can agree a long term plan. If you could take on the admin side of his business it might help bring in more money. You need to factor in your course too.

[Kahlua4me]

It would be worth you taking on the paperwork side from a financial point of view.
My dh is self employed and I do all the paperwork, well most of it as we do have an accountant. I am then paid a wage which offsets the amount of tax dh has to pay. This also makes me feel as though I am contributing to the family income if that makes sense!

[magoria]

My reply may seem hard but having watched my mum get messed around and still being so over finances it is the last thing I would ever accept. It really is one of my uncompromising areas. There always has to be enough to pay the basic, bills/food. Watching someone squander and get tens of thousands in debt because they want unnecessary things like a bottle or two of wine or a new car etc I am not talking about problems/illness etc that is different.

If he is up to his eyeballs in debt, unable to pay a tax bill or a mortgage then it is not a business it is a liability.

Instead of selling is there the option of increasing the mortgage enough with a proper financial/business plan? Did the financial planner not tell him all this? He needs to sit down properly with a proper business planner and sort out where he is going and how to sort it all out.

It may have been fine when he was a single bloke but now with one kid and another on the way he cannot afford to stick his head in the sand or you may end up with out the option to sell if you don't pay the mortgage!

Don't allow yourself to be accused of nagging when you are only trying to help. It is nasty and unfair of him to turn that on you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Beastofburden]

A course in social work could be really interesting, but with two small kids will you actually get to use it? Even if you two do part company, social work is not an easy job to combine with being a lone parent with small kids.

In your shoes I would think seriously about a bookkeeping / accounting and business management course. If you stay together it will help you sort this out. If you don't, it is dead easy to get part time work as an accountant.

[pluCaChange]

Maybe consider it like this: to pay the debts, he either needs to sell the house or get a job. The latter is, of course, more sustsinable and won't be such a massive loss of face for him. He can also continue working "for himself", including out of hours jobs which could suit clients working FT, and would bring in extra , in addition to his job.

Good luck!