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AIBU to be pissed off with mil offering to keep buying us a house

(30 Posts)
Fusedog Thu 03-Apr-14 14:17:14

AIBU the first thing was oh was hold when he got married as with all the siblings he would get a deposit for a home as have the other siblings

How it workes in his family after the wedding his dad phones for a chat this did happen however oh failed to foresee that his mother dissaproves so after the offer about two hours later I presume after his dad had told his mum about the chat she rung and reteacated the offer confused*please note this is not money we asked for

Things pretty much went down hill from there and we have sought to save the money ourselfs however living in London and trying to save is difficult we figured we could move out of London and afford a family home however Due to my son being in year 10 and doing GCSES it would be crule to move him now so we plan to wait until he's finished also we would have save that little bit more

Roll on give years since we were married now go get a promotion and we have a little baby we recently went to see in laws so they could meet the baby and they offered us a despposit again on a home what they offered us would not be enough to get a home in London even with what we have saved , we did explain that were happy to move out of London but due to ds we have to wait and she's basically told us take the money now and buy in London or you get noting and we won't be offering again when we can actually move in 18 months when ds finished school

I said to oh I can't understand why they won't realise how expensive London is espically when they have 2 flats in London which have gone up 12% in value in the last year alone ffs

I told oh that he should tell his mother thanks but no thanks and that we will make our own way I can't take the stress any more oh was very up set the first time to have a offer only to have it retracted and then to be offered again only to be told take the money now or you can't have it at all espically when were not in a position to buy now with the issue of ds education AIBU to be pissed off

Fusedog Thu 03-Apr-14 14:18:53

I really want to buy a home but not at any coast and I actually feel like we're being sort of bullied with the money I rather just live were we are of that's the case

As Long as were not buying a lemon or over extending we should be free to buy were and when we like

fluffyraggies Thu 03-Apr-14 14:22:13

Any offers of money from family with strings attached should be politely declined IMO.

pianodoodle Thu 03-Apr-14 14:26:10

Some might say you should bite their hand off for the money but personally I think if family offer to give a gift or help out etc... it should be without strings attached.

As you say it isn't something you asked for. I think making the offer and then retracting it was a poor show. They don't sound like people I'd want to feel beholden to so in your shoes I'd probably say thank you but no.

I wouldn't get into a debate about it either. I'd just say I didn't feel comfortable accepting it.

Fusedog Thu 03-Apr-14 14:27:37

Thanks I keep saying to oh

If she really wants to she could just put a check in the post with whatever amount with a note saying for a house

It's almost like were being teased having a house would be so life changing for us it's really pissing me off she playing with oh so much

Fusedog Thu 03-Apr-14 14:31:11

I think what hurts more is that out of all of his siblings were actually the only ones who needs it in order to buy a home his older siblings could have brought a home with out it in fact his brother used the money to up grade to 5 bed from a 3
For us it's so life changing I think it's ss just so overwhelming when he thought he been offered something the first time only to be told actually mum says no.

trikken Thu 03-Apr-14 14:36:20

Say no. We did this and it was a disaster. We have now sold it to give them back the money and gone back to renting, albeit in an area I actually prefer to live in. We used to get guilt tripped every time we saw them and something about money was mentioned. Its not worth it. Am a lot happier now.

Callani Thu 03-Apr-14 14:37:30

The word 'gift' in German means 'poison' and that's exactly what this offer is.

YANBU in wanting to wait to move, in fact it would be very unfair to your DS to move him at such a crucial time.

Tbh, with the form she's shown I think I'd reject the offer anyway or you may find it comes with yet more strings attached further down the line.

trikken Thu 03-Apr-14 14:38:40

It definitely was poison for us. Even the house didn't feel like ours.

YoDiggity Thu 03-Apr-14 14:40:30

I'm not quite sure what it is that MIL disapproves of, but if it's you then you should not accept her money. It can only be held/used against you in the future when things don't go her way.

AMumInScotland Thu 03-Apr-14 14:42:08

From what they sound like, you'd never be free of the 'strings' that come with this sort of 'gift'. If they wanted to give you money, they would give it to you. If they wanted to give it to you but only for buying a house, they could put it into an account and say 'It's put aside and we'll hand it over when you decide it's the right time to move'

You're quite right that 'Do it my way or you get nothing' is a form of bullying.

Turn them down and tell them you'll do what suits you, when it suits you, and they should keep their money rather than think it means they get to tell you how to live your lives.

diddl Thu 03-Apr-14 14:45:23

Ideally money should come without conditions.

If not, it's not worth it.

If they gave you money, how would they then force you to buy in London though?

Or indeed stay there??

Rexandralpf Thu 03-Apr-14 15:01:46

Can you buy in a cheaper area - a buy to let maybe? Of you have enough deposit for cheaper area?

Lemonfairydust Thu 03-Apr-14 15:39:56

Some people like to control with money, by making it sound like a generous offer - except it has 'conditions, it sounds like that's whats going on here. My gran did this to my parents until they wised up and told her to naff off. I'd decline the offer, as I believe they will probably throw it back in your face at any given opportunity. It might seem harder to save now, but at least you won't owe anybody anything and can hold your heads up high, knowing you did it on your own.

Fusedog Thu 03-Apr-14 15:45:19

Yes I feel the same although it's very hard for OH he comes from a very well heeled family and now living in a council home has been very difficult for him especially as were now the only people in his family including extended who don't own our own home.

I did ask why he can't get the money and put it away until ds has finished his exams but his mum won't have any of it

Viviennemary Thu 03-Apr-14 15:47:54

Well I'm afraid you either take the money with the conditions or decline. You are very lucky even to be offered money like this. A lot of people are not.

Quinteszilla Thu 03-Apr-14 15:52:31

Does MIl disapprove of your son? I take it the Y2 boy is not your husbands child? I bet she cant get over the fact that another mans child is deciding when or where you buy a home. She sounds poisonous.

Vickiyumyum Thu 03-Apr-14 15:57:22

I would decline the money. Chances are unless they give you cash upfront they will retract the offer if the property doesn't meet their approval anyway.

HobbetInTheHeadlights Thu 03-Apr-14 15:57:24

I'd be worried that even if you took it now that all or part of the money suddenly wouldn't be available when you needed it.

My parents were continually promised money from my GP they never asked - uncle always got it my Dad would be given excuses as why not now - or in a bit then it was all forgotten about.

If it was a real offer they'd be more flexible in timing and placements. Ignoring any future comments or offers is probably way to go - then you don't have to comment or praise any pretend generosity.

Fusedog Thu 03-Apr-14 16:01:03

Add message | Report | Message poster Viviennemary Thu 03-Apr-14 15:47:54
Well I'm afraid you either take the money with the conditions or decline. You are very lucky even to be offered money like this. A lot of people are not.
we are lucky however we can't afford to buy in London we don't want to over reach and end up in debt also if we move out of London we have to wait until ds has finished exams I don't think any of this which is what oh said to his mum is out of order

TheRealYellowWiggle Thu 03-Apr-14 16:07:57

Unclear how far into his gcses your ds is - but if he finishes them in 18 months he is only 6 months in? I'm a teacher and loads of students move school in the middle of exam courses, it us not necessarily the nightmare you seem to think it is. Plus he might get a bigger home, room to study and to get away from baby sibling!
That is not at all to say you should accept the money, your In-laws sound very controlling, but they may feel you are putting life on hold without good reason.

Bogeyface Thu 03-Apr-14 16:09:00

You are very lucky even to be offered money like this

You think that the OP is lucky to be in a position of being beholden to a demanding, manipulative and divisive MIL? Not the kind of luck I would want!

OP, I agree with "thanks but no thanks". Your OH is probably finding it hard because it has highlighted how poorly he has been treated compared to his siblings, but the only way he will get past that is by taking back some control and telling her to shove it.

If he gets on well with his dad could he have a private chat with him, explaining your plans and why his mothers behaviour is hurting him so much? Or is FIL under her thumb too?

AMumInScotland Thu 03-Apr-14 16:12:04

It does sound like your MIL is pissed off that your son's needs are trumping her efforts to look generous (or even fair). I think she would like to be able to tell the rest of the family that of course they have given you money the same as they have DHs siblings.

But she doesn't want to have to think about your son being an integral part of the family.

If he was a 'real' grandson, I have little doubt she'd be all over herself about his GCSEs, and not be putting that condition on the money.

You and DH need to be united in saying "No. We are not going to disrupt the exams. Keep your money."

JT05 Thu 03-Apr-14 16:34:33

If you are getting a mortgage as well, there are conditions about gifts for the deposit to avoid money laundering and a third party charge on the property.
It has to be an outright gift, put in writing, as a legal document, with no string attached. This would then clearly make the money, the house plus the mortgage yours.
I do understand you might have to put up with the MIL's comments, as well. That's up to you. Hope it works out.

Finola1step Thu 03-Apr-14 16:48:07

Do not take this money. You wil be made to feel grateful until the end of your days. Walk away, head held up high and appreciate what you have. Stick to your plan. There will come a day when you get the keys to your own home, that you have saved the deposit for. Imagine what it will be like turning those keys in the door and opening it for the first time, knowing that you have done it by yourselves.

Now imagine turning those keys knowing that you have paid with the IL's money. Doesn't quite have the same feeling does it? You have your answer.

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