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to be annoyed at being called a martyr?

(17 Posts)
PuffyPigeon Thu 03-Apr-14 11:33:03

A 'friend' this morning said I constantly act like a martyr and that it gets on her nerves. We were discussing my dd. Last time she was due to have contact with her dad she had chicken pox so I offered to keep her home as he and his gf have a newborn. I don't know if I've had it myself, and have a toddler too, so she said I should've sent her and avoided it. However, I figured we'd probably catch it anyway if we were going to so no point risking newborn too.

She also ranted about my toddlers birth. I went into labour at 1 a.m. And didn't wake dh (all he'd do was worry) then he went to work as contractions were far apart and work is local. After work we took older dd to dhs mums before going to hospital. I had our toddler at midnight, we drove to dhs mums and dh went to work at 8 while I took our dd to school. He saved his paternity leave for three weeks later when it was school holidays, I was fine with that. Friend said I should've woken dh, insisted he stay home from work, insisted pil collected older dd, insisted dh take his paternity leave immediately or at least have kept dd off school.

She had other instances too, but equally I could say she's high maintenance. When she had her dc2 she had her parents/pil take her to dc1 to and from school everyday for the first six weeks. Her dh had scale down his business for two months and so on. However, I've never said she's high maintenance because I think people should just do what suits them and other people should mind their own business.

Aibu to think she was bloody rude to call me a martyr?

Nocturne123 Thu 03-Apr-14 12:22:19

Maybe she's just jealous about the way you can react in these situations ?? I certainly am ! I'd have woken dh !

But I'd be annoyed too being called a martyr ! Seems unnecessary .

DoJo Thu 03-Apr-14 12:26:39

It depends how many times she has had to hear about your labour and subsequent arrangements. If you trot out the story any time anyone complains about their labour or if you complain about how it all happened, then I can understand it. Similarly if your husband would have liked to know that his wife was in labour with his child, or would have preferred to spend his paternity leave at home with his newborn rather than waiting, then it's understandable.

However, if you told her how it happened when you were asked and haven't really mentioned it since then she is being rude. You are just two people who do things differently - neither approach is wrong or right, so long as everyone involved is happy about it.

PuffyPigeon Thu 03-Apr-14 13:11:23

Only mentioned events as facts when she asked. Dh and I were happy with it all.

rabbitlady Thu 03-Apr-14 13:14:17

she just feels inadequate when she compares herself with you. you're quite confident in yourself and your decisions, so you don't feel the need to compare.

glenthebattleostrich Thu 03-Apr-14 13:15:47

Well I left DH asleep until I needed my tens machine, sent him off for a nap mid afternoon so I could prepare -- sit on the sofa in peace eating nutella direct from the jar--

Your not sending an I'll child to infect a tiny baby was very kind and considerate

Your friend sounds like a dramatic bitch

Meow75 Thu 03-Apr-14 13:19:33

I agree with Glen. Your friend sounds like she just likes to create drama and attention on herself.

And unless you're complaining about all these instances (which I most definitely don't think you are), that would be martyrdom. You're just re-telling.

Your friend is, at best, silly.

Comeatmefam Thu 03-Apr-14 13:22:09

What an odd conversation for 'friends' to have.

If you don't respect each others' way of doing things, have confrontational one upmanship-ish arguments and look down on each other, why are you friends?

AskBasil Thu 03-Apr-14 13:24:17

I think it's incredibly unfair to call the friend a dramatic bitch, just as it's incredibly unfair of the friend to call the OP a martyr.

I wonder what's going on in her life? Is she getting a load of shit from her DP/ mother/ someone else demanding that she be more like the OP? Is she transferring the resentment she should feel for him/ her mother/ other people who demand she does more than she feels she can, onto the OP?

Let's not start slating the friend for the way she behaved anymore than she slated the OP for the way the OP behaved. Horses for courses, the only thing the friend did wrong was slag off the OP's way of dealing with stuff. If she's got problems with how she deals with the same sort of stuff or is getting unfavourable comparisons from other people, she should deal with them, not transfer her resentment on to her friend.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 03-Apr-14 13:26:33

How refreshing to exchange views like that. No I don't think you were being a martyr and providing she doesn't get the story every time you meet up what is she so cross about.

Are you still speaking to one another?

LongTailedTit Thu 03-Apr-14 13:26:57

Constantly being a martyr would be laying it on thick or whingeing/sighing about what a hard time you'd had, after choosing to put yourself in that position.
As it is, you made your choices due to what suits your family and circs - just as she made hers.
Your way wouldn't suit everyone, but neither would hers, she sounds like she feels inadequate in some way?

Are you sure you don't inadvertently 'rub her nose in it' with offhand comments about how you do things, however brief? Otherwise what the heck is she going on about saying you 'constantly act like a martyr'? She sounds like the type that could take offence to 'Good morning'. confused

oscarwilde Thu 03-Apr-14 13:28:50

Depends - if you whinge about it on and on to her, I'd probably call you a martyr too.
If on the other hand, you are fine with it all then it's frankly none of her business.

Objection Thu 03-Apr-14 13:34:04

I work with a lady who is a Martyr and its one of the most irratating things in the world.

TBH is difficult for us to say on here whether you are being a Martyr or not as
a) we've only got your perspective
and
b) these kinds of things are more than just words, its a manner and many events

PuffyPigeon Thu 03-Apr-14 13:39:49

AskBasil her dp has commented that she should 'get some coping tips' from me confused It made me cringe tbh. Still not really fair to transfer her resentment onto me. When she asks questions like 'how many night feeds does dh do?' and I say 'none' its her that rants that he should. I'm happy that he doesn't.

AskBasil Thu 03-Apr-14 14:01:49

Yeah, sounds like she's she's getting crap from her DP making unfavourable comparisons with you and that's why she's directing her anger at you instead of at him. Transference, innit?

LongTailedTit Thu 03-Apr-14 14:20:39

Innit indeed Baz grin

WilsonFrickett Thu 03-Apr-14 14:57:54

God yeah, if her DP is telling her to get some tips off the woman who didn't wake her husband when she went into labour and now willingly shoulders all the night feeds, I'll say there's some transference going on... That would irk me. But I'd point my irkitation towards my DP, not you OP.

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