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How To Connest With StepDaughter After Seperation????

(40 Posts)
rb512022 Thu 03-Apr-14 10:37:57

Hi wife after an 8 year relationship sadly said she was done. We were married for 3 years and we have 2 boys together 3 and 6 plus a 12yo girl from my wifes previous relationship.

I have always treated them exactly the same and love them all individually.....however the stepdaughter is exceptionally close to her mum as my wife brought her up on their own live on their own from when she was a baby until she was 4.

I moved out of the family home that I built for us 2 years ago as the atmosphere was getting ridiculous. She said either I left or she would.....She is now going to rent a house near her Dad and she moves in approx. early May.

We have made arrangments for shared custody so at the minute I have the kids every other weekend plus they stay Tuesdays......However during all these negotaiations / talks etc my wife only ever refers to "the boys"

She does not seem keen (although she would never admit this) for me to have my daughter over....She says the daughter is old enough to decide whether she wants to come over which I totally agree with.

So in the last 3 weeks I have only seen her a caouple of times and the only night magically she was vailable was when when wife was going out with her friends on a Saturday night.....This really peeved me off because all the other times I asked to see her she was unavailable she is when it suits my wife.

Over the last 3 days I have texted her to say on Sunday "Goodnight love Dad" - No reply - and also left her a voice mail on Monday saying I have the boys stopping over on Tuesday Night and obviously you are always invited - NO I texted her on Tuesday morning inviting her again - No Tuesday Night "Goodnight hope you had a nice day xxx" - No reply

I am sure she is mixed up and upset with her parents splitting up. I probably don't really understand what she is going through, but I have reassured her a few weeks ago face to face saying " I love you , I will always be there for you if you need me, you are exactly the same to me as the 2 boys please believe me"

However over the years when me and my wife have fallen out I have been poked with the stick thst "she will never be your daughter"......ouch and I think this in time has crept into my stepdaughters head a little bit.

She thinks she is not as important to me as the boys but this feeling is fed a little bit by her she only ever talks about me "and the boys"

I love my wife and would do absolutely anything to get her back however I am just giving her 100% total space while I concentrate on looking after myself and more importantly my children (all 3 ideally)..I am trying to prepare myself that we will never get back together although this is terrible and I have spent quite a few mornings crying about it I can tell you. Each day so far is absolute AGONY!!!!!!!! I miss them all so much.

However in the meantime what do I do if anything about my stepdaughter. Does she need time to readjust ????Should I stop contacting her so much????? I just want to make her know she IS VERY important to me and I a have always treated her EXACTLY AS ONE OF MY OWN....Surely everyone needs a Dad but because she is so close to her Mum and maybe feels guilty about leaving her I just think I am going to lose her.

Can anyone help me.........thanks

MeepMeepVroooom Thu 03-Apr-14 10:47:03

I think it's lovely that you want to continue the relationship that you have had for so long.

She possibly is feeling a bit lost and out of place just now. I would continue to invite her every time you have your boys. She might come round eventually.

Could you arrange to collect your son's and try and speak to your step daughter face to face and explain that although you accept it's ultimately her decision you love her and as far as your concerned she will always be one of your kids and that whenever, if ever she is ready she is always welcome to come and see you.

MeepMeepVroooom Thu 03-Apr-14 10:59:40

Ah I just read your other thread hmm

You nicely fail to mention here that she stayed two weeks ago and that your not happy because it was for the convenience of the ex wife while she went up town.

MeepMeepVroooom Thu 03-Apr-14 11:00:36

Oh an also that you are not happy being asked to take your two sons one extra day this week.

BeverleyMoss Thu 03-Apr-14 11:08:46

I don't understand why you're not getting all three of them at the same visit, it's going to really alienate your stepdaughter and drive a wedge.

I would ask your wife to start having all three asap, tell her your concerns about your SD being left out, and your relationship with her being brushed aside.

MeepMeepVroooom Thu 03-Apr-14 11:14:09

To be fair Beverley she is 12 years old. If she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to.

The change of heart has to come from her not the ex wife.

BeverleyMoss Thu 03-Apr-14 11:19:38

Oh I agree with not enforcing visits for a 12 year old, but it's a pity it couldn't have happened from the beginning as a given that of course it should be all children.

UC Thu 03-Apr-14 11:19:39

I would write to your step daughter to tell her how you feel, and let her know you are there. She can read and digest in her own time then.

Whitershadeofpale Thu 03-Apr-14 11:24:30

Did you miss this bit meep:

"So in the last 3 weeks I have only seen her a caouple of times and the only night magically she was vailable was when when wife was going out with her friends on a Saturday night.....This really peeved me off because all the other times I asked to see her she was unavailable she is when it suits my wife"

Whitershadeofpale Thu 03-Apr-14 11:26:30

I think the letter writing is a good idea.

i think texts are fine but not too many, I'd try to make them casual and not seem like you're presuring her at all so more, hi, how was your day? or did you see x on the telly? type of thing. Hopefully she'll come around in her own time.

MeepMeepVroooom Thu 03-Apr-14 11:37:53

Yes I did actually. Oh well the sentiment is the same. The girl is 12 she doesn't have to go. There is no point getting pissed when she does go because the ex is going out.

Personally I'd be happy about that as it meant I got to see her confused

meditrina Thu 03-Apr-14 11:44:20

"Does she need time to readjust?"

Yes. It's been only 3 weeks since you moved out.

Are you ringing her and talking to her frequently? Are you familiar with the sorts of activities she has lined up (routinely, for the school holidays, forwards planning for competitions etc). If you left the calendar of those behind, then you need to re-create it. Have you established a functioning means of communication with STBX about DC's admin?

MeepMeepVroooom Thu 03-Apr-14 11:47:15

Beverley I agree, part of me thinks she should have just started off with "you're all doing to Dad's this weekend". However possibly the girl is feeling very out of place just now. Even though she looks at OP as her family she is maybe struggling with the fact that he isn't actually her Dad, does that make sense?

I think it is often difficult for step children to find their place when families merge or separate. Hopefully given time she will readjust and be happy to go with her siblings. Although I will say OP she is almost in her teenage years and may not want to visit as often as the younger kids, her social life will just be starting and she may not want to leave that behind. Don't bother about what your ex is doing when you have the kids either, just make the most of your time with your children.

MeepMeepVroooom Thu 03-Apr-14 11:47:59


rb512022 Thu 03-Apr-14 11:49:40

Meep.............she did not stay with me when my wife was going up the town.....The weekend in question when I had my 2 boys the wife said previously the daughter was going to be with her......So I then took the boys to LEGOLAND in Manchester 2hr drive away and booked a premier inn for the Saturday night....

On the Friday morning previous I get an email saying my stepdaughter all of a sudden "really wants to stay" but only if I pick her up from Gymnastics at 7pm on Sat night......Imho this was not a genuine "I want to see dad moment" It was my wife manouvering the lass to suit herself.....I cant have her Fri Night or all day Saturday for some quality time but I am good enough to pick her up at 7pm when I have a 2yo to put to bed hmmm

meditrina Thu 03-Apr-14 11:51:11

All the DC probably need a huge amount of reassurance right now.

What sorts of things did you do with them frequently before you moved out? Getting those going again could be important - keeping as much of previous routine intact is important (it can be modified again later, as things settle down).

MeepMeepVroooom Thu 03-Apr-14 11:53:06

So you didn't have her overnight? I'm confused.

gordyslovesheep Thu 03-Apr-14 11:55:33

well as long as you see every action of your step daughter as some kind of plot by your ex you will get no where

she wanted to see you - you rebuffed it, then you moan about wanting to see her ....

You left 3 weeks ago - give things time to settle ffs - move into your own place then have a regular contact arrangement and invite her with your sons - and let her make her own mind up

EverythingsDozy Thu 03-Apr-14 12:01:58

Can I just clarify how long you've been together? Your other post says 10 years where this one says 8. Doesn't really matter, just think you would have remembered hmm

daisychain01 Thu 03-Apr-14 12:12:26

rb512022 you sound like a caring dad and step dad, but I fear reading your latest post that you may be in danger of tangling up your current acrimony with your ex and letting it affect how you think about the arrangements and contact time with your children.

Whether or not your DSD ringing up and asking you to collect her from gym club was down to her DMs instigation and engineering, if you continue to make associations like that every time, it will affect how you feel. It just seems like it could become your immediate reaction and you will always be suspicious of her reasons for wanting time with you.

Not sure that is a helpful observation, but I think you either need to do everything possible to facilitate contact time with your DSD, provided it is feasible for you to achieve that i.e not ringing you at 9am Saturday morning and expecting you to collect in 30 mins, there need to be some ground rules. Otherwise, you may need to accept that it just wont be possible for you to have as much time with her as you would wish for.

daisychain01 Thu 03-Apr-14 12:14:59

Gordy, I xposted with you, but glad that it wasnt me going off on a tangent, it seems we had a similar impression....

MeepMeepVroooom Thu 03-Apr-14 12:30:26

I'm very confused...

So just to clarify you left 3 weeks ago

You have seen your step daughter a couple of times

2 weeks ago (so your 2nd week away) your step daughter changed her mind and said she wanted to stay with you but on the grounds that you had plans and assume that your ex manipulated the situation because she wanted to go out you said no?

She is now not returning your texts.

On this thread you say your ex raised her daughter to the age of 4 as a lone parent, this girl is now 12. So you have been together 8 years.

On your previous thread you said your relationship was 10 years, which would make the girl 14 if her mother raised her till she was 4 as a lone parent.

rb512022 Thu 03-Apr-14 12:50:13

Gordy I did not rebuff her at all..... We were at Manchester for the night 2 hours drive away.......How could I pick her up from her Gymnastics at home on the same night ?

For the record everytime I have my boys I always text my SD days before to spell out she is absolutey 100% welcome , would love to see her but not to worry at all if she cant make it.... I have tried the softly softly understanding approach.

Fairy1303 Thu 03-Apr-14 12:53:28

I understand completely how painful this is, I'm going through the same thing - I had my stepdaughter full time for 4 years and now I don't see her very much at all, she is 9 and blames me for leaving her dad I think and has decided she doesnt want to see me.

I am just sitting in the background, she knows she is always welcome, I think that's all i can do.

keep letting her know you are there for her.

hope things improve for you. It is so painful to be without the children we grow to feel are our own.

gordyslovesheep Thu 03-Apr-14 12:54:45

why address just me op hmm several people have made the same point?

maybe don't text her - you are an adult - speak to her directly?

it's been THREE WEEKS - THREE WEEKS give you kids time to bloody process what is happening and be angry about it

Sort out accommodation, work out your anger at your ex - don't transfer that to a 12 year old child, and give her some time

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