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AIBU or is DH! I'm confused!!

(21 Posts)
babyclingon Wed 02-Apr-14 11:52:02

So, DH had a breakdown four months ago and is no longer working and the bank are threatening to repossess the house. That is the backdrop. I have spent all my time focusing on dh and getting him better. This week his brother came from overseas to visit his parents, three hours from us. I encouraged DH to go to their house to see his brother while he is in the country. I said I would stay here so dc wouldn't miss school. So far all good.

He said he will go down on Tue and come back on Wed. I said fine, or stay until your brother goes on Thurs if you want. He said he'd come back Wed as it would be hard for me. Anyway, it seems that this is the first time I have been alone for an evening since all went pear shaped and all my worries and scary thoughts spiralled while I was alone. I called DH, he was in the pub with his brother, he told me he'd stay until Thurs as he was having a good time. I said little.

Two hours later I was a mess, all the stressful months suddenly got on top of me while I was alone. I texted said that I'm not coping either he comes home or I'll go to them. He said come here, the more the merrier (prob texted from the pub). An hour later I calmed down and realised I would be really selfish to take dc out of school and texted to say I'm struggling but think I can't take them out of school really. He didn't reply. This morning I texted the same thing basically again. A few hours later he texted to say he was sorry I'm upset but that he did say to come down. I reiterated school thing and there has been no more texts these past three hours.

I'm feeling upset at dh for not caring enough now that I'm struggling, but at the same time I think it is good for him to spend time with his brother and I did encourage him to go and to have fun. AIBU in feeling upset? Is dh being unreasonable in his lack of concern?

hangingaround Wed 02-Apr-14 11:56:37

Have a proper conversation by phone or Skype, not text. I hope your feeling better. I don't know who is BU and that's probably not the way to look at it since you've both had a hard time recently. Be kind to yourself and each other. He is enjoying himself and relaxing, that must feel good and I can understand he wouldn't want to cut it short.

FetchezLaVache Wed 02-Apr-14 11:57:24

Poor you. Can you get some help for yourself, go and see your GP for example?

Comeatmefam Wed 02-Apr-14 12:01:58

I understand that you got freaked out etc but from his point of view you've chopped and changed several times about whehter you're ok with him being there and whether you are going or not so not suprised he's stopped answering.

I'm sorry you're feeling wobbly but I think he deserves some space and time away like you say - you do of course and I'm sure you have been supportive of him don't get me wrong.

Crinkle77 Wed 02-Apr-14 12:12:08

Sorry but I think YABU. You encouraged him to go and see his brother and to stay for two days but then decide you can't cope when you hear he is in the pub having a good time.

MysweetAudrina Wed 02-Apr-14 12:17:33

I think yabu also. He is there he may as well enjoy it. It is your thoughts that are bothering you, not the fact that you cant actually cope without him. Your relationship doesnt sound that healthy atm which is understandable with what you have being going through. Its not fair though to have told him to go and then to be bothering him on a regular basis with not being able to cope. Wait till he returns home and sit down and talk to him about how you felt. You have obviously been coping and shouldering alot of the anxiety and stress of your dh's breakdown but you need to look after yourself as well and make sure you have an outlet and a release.

MadamBatShit Wed 02-Apr-14 12:21:25

Sorry but me too.. you are sending mixed messages his, encouraging him to go and then not coping with the consequences and wanting him to deal with that.
Just let him go and deal for now. It would seem doubtful you really cannot deal, true?

gamerchick Wed 02-Apr-14 12:26:48

I believe imo that it's common to switch off a bit of our head when we're supporting during a huge stressful time. You're focused and your emotions are in check. When that stress is temporarily gone our brains start to process our own heads as it's now 'safe', it turns to other things that need attention and overloads.

Do you have support for yourself? It's very important to have something in place.

When I'm going through a period of extreme stress I get very protective over my mental health and make sure I keep close eye on it and take steps sooner rather than later when anything crops up.

Do yo have anybody other than your bloke there for you?

littledrummergirl Wed 02-Apr-14 12:33:35

Im sorry you are having such a hard time. Have you been to the cab to get advice? When Dh lost his job due to stress they were great.
They will help you come up with a plan that will relieve some of the stress.
I think it is hard for you but you have done the right thing for both your husband and your son, you now need to do something for you. Go for a walk or have a bubbly bath with candles and a book and chocolate.
Let your dh enjoy the rest of his time with his brother without making him feel guilty about it. You said he could go.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 02-Apr-14 12:38:40

On the face of it YABU. Your DH's brother is not here very often and he wants to make the most of his time with him. He has travelled 3 hours to do this so it makes sense not to rush away. Plus his family might find it rather rude if he suddenly ups and leaves.

What is it that you are finding such a struggle? Looking after a couple of school age children for a couple of days doesn't sound too big a deal. Is there something that is making this especially hard for you?

babyclingon Wed 02-Apr-14 13:00:51

Thanks for the replies. I think Gamerchick sees what is going on. I'm not meaning to mess him around. I encouraged him to go thinking all would be fine here. It turns out it's not. It's not the dc. It's just that I spend all my time coping on DH behalf. I have to give off the message that we will be ok, that we will get through this. I have been blocking any thoughts that this is truely a bad situation. Now that dh is not here these thoughts have flooded in. I can't stand these thoughts of debt and bankruptcy. That's what I can't cope with. When he is here I am the counter to his list of negative outcomes. So I feel that I said go I will be fine, and now I'm saying actually, no I'm not fine.

I don't think our relationship is unhealthy. I don't know, perhaps it is? I am just supporting him through a hard time is all. I don't think marriages are happy all the time in reality.

I haven't gone to my gp, no. I don't really want medication as I feel my issues are purely external...believe it or not I am usually a relentlessly positive person! I suppose I could get counselling to help me deal with dh breakdown.

I am worried that if I phone him I will say please come home today, which I don't want to do as I really do for his sake want him to stay. His family wouldn't find it rude if he left, he went down saying to them he was coming back on Wed, it's only since he got there that he changed his mind and decided to stay another day.

vestandknickers Wed 02-Apr-14 13:03:56

I really feel for you, but I do think it is unreasonable to ask him to come home. Could you get a friend round tonight?

NoodleOodle Wed 02-Apr-14 13:10:30

Hang on in there. Your DP will be in a better position to support you, or lean on you less if he has had a chance to unwind a little thanks

You can chat to us too. I do think you need a neutral space to offload all your fears and worries and I don't think your DH is really in a position to support you so you need to seek support elsewhere.

Do you have a friend in RL you could talk to? I would ask your GP for some counselling for you, your worries may be entirely rational but that doesn't mean you don't need help dealing with them.

Sometimes it's hard to switch off from being the "one who copes".

deakymom Wed 02-Apr-14 13:16:09

you have supported him he really should have called you at least a call it would have been nice i hate to go against the majority but when people have breakdowns and get supported they take them for granted and expect it all the time my ex did this i supported him financially emotionally i even walked/bussed two hours to get to work just so he could sleep longer and didn't have to take me then when he was better he went out with his friends (not me) because he wanted some "time" he then cheated and left me but still expected me to PACK HIS SUITCASE git

yanbu support goes both ways

Joysmum Wed 02-Apr-14 15:18:30

I really believe relationships are damaged by texting. He's can't help you by coming home but a chat till he does come home would be good. Call him. He won't appreciate your worries if you don't deem it important enough to speak to him.

Nomama Wed 02-Apr-14 16:19:15

Text him again.

Sorry love, I had a weird moment but will be fine. See you tomorrow, have fun. Lots of love xx

Then sit down and think about how you feel. What is it that set this off? Take the time to think about it and feel whatever it is you are feeling.

Why scary feelings? Why now? Was his being in a pub enjoying himself a factor? What is it you really can't cope with? Make a list, perphaps. As others have said, blurt it out here and get it off your chest, if you think that will help.

But he isn't being unreasonable or bad or unsupportive, he is being cared for and cheered up by his family / brother. That can only be good for you in the long run. Don't spoil it for both of you by getting too worked up for either of you to cope.

You both need to be in a better place to cope with what you already have in your plate.

Good luck.

daisychain01 Wed 02-Apr-14 16:33:18

I think gamerchick is saying what I was thinking when I read your thread baby. You have both been through a really difficult time. You felt conflict between letting your DH go away (being supportive) but risking feeling vulnerable yourself.

Dont be too harsh on either you or your DH, your heart is in the right place, and it sounded like you need reassurance, which is difficult when he was texting from the pub and probably has been caught up with everything going on at your BILs.

YANBU to feel a bit shakey about being apart. These feelings can come and go, life isnt always logical. Definitely try to have a proper telecon, because conversing via text is a nightmare. My DP gets very irritated trying to type and gives up in the end! So your DH probably just found the texting very frustrating.

Youarejustwordsonascreenpeople Wed 02-Apr-14 16:35:40

Can I ask if you have taken any advice on bankruptcy and who from? Have you got your housing sorted? Have got bank accounts with a bankrupt friendly bank sorted?

Pop over onto the bankruptcy board on MSE, they can help and support you through it.

babyclingon Wed 02-Apr-14 20:33:22

Thanks again, been out for the day and so I'm feeling better. But all the same I think that if I went away to see family, decided to stay longer than I originally planned, then got a call or text from dh saying he was not coping well on his own I would hope that I would at least call him and see if he is ok and if I found out he was unhappy revert to the original return plan. So I am upset that he has not called me at all, when the last contact was me saying I'm not coping but I can't join him as the dc have school.

I could call him but don't really want to mess up his time there by being on the phone annoyed. I may be upset but he doesn't seem to have any awareness of this. Also he is rubbish on the phone, barely speaks. I know he would just say ok ok alright alright, and nothing more to anything I say.

I am seeking legal advice about the house. We don't live in our house, we moved across the country, we rent it out and we rent for ourselves down here. So at least it won't disrupt the dc in any way.

babyclingon Wed 02-Apr-14 20:36:18

That's it daisychain, I feel a big conflict in what I feel is best for him and what is best for me. It is good for him to have a break, it is bad for me. I just wanted him to care.

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