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To want to shake my sister in law? 42 and longing for a family

(102 Posts)
Cinderellie Tue 01-Apr-14 19:14:42

But still refusing to even consider a man for a date if she doesn't like his shoes or some other trivial detail.

In the 12 years I have known her there has never been a proper boyfriend. A couple of long term FB's and the very occasional date (maybe 3 in total).

She is lovely, but when it comes to meeting a partner, totally irrational. At 42 she still wants to find someone who has model good looks, a fit body, a successful career, a lot of money, and no previous marriage or children. He must dress perfectly, the list goes on. She has planned her entire wedding down to the last detail, but hasn't had a single relationship since her 20's.

Every few months she asks my DD to be her bridesmaid at her wedding, and visits psychics to find out when she will meet her husband.

I understand her dreams and feel desperately sad for her, but I can't understand why she refuses to even date! Unless the man is a perfect 10 in all sorts of ways that are to some extent the superficial things. Looks, money and dress sense.

How would you shake her into being more realistic? What if Mr Perfect doesn't turn up and she realises when it's too late that her dream of marriage and family have passed her by.

rabbitlady Tue 01-Apr-14 19:16:40

daughter has a friend like this. just leave them to it.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Tue 01-Apr-14 19:17:19

I wouldn't even try, I'd leave her to it.

BarbarianMum Tue 01-Apr-14 19:17:27

I would leave her to it tbh. Interference in these type of things rarely ends well.

ArtexMonkey Tue 01-Apr-14 19:18:24

Well at least she has standards. Is it really any worse than women who have children with varying degrees of arseholes, abusers, cocklodgers and men they know full well already have children they neither see nor support? Less common certainly, from what i see. Be kind. Who is she hurting?

Cinderellie Tue 01-Apr-14 19:20:59

I am being kind. I am sad that I think there's a real possibility of this never happening for her, because she can't seem to see the wood for the tress. There are standards, and there is rejecting someone because they too much hair on their forearms. Yes, really.

firesidechat Tue 01-Apr-14 19:21:28

Maybe she likes the dream and the reality would be a bit of a let down. Maybe she's scared of the reality. It's painful to watch, but I don't think that there's much you can do to help.

MamaPain Tue 01-Apr-14 19:21:31

She sounds incredibly insecure. I expect she is like a friend of mine and just says these things to avoid putting herself out there. She is probably desperate for a family but equally riddled with fear.

It's hard to know how best to help.

bakingtins Tue 01-Apr-14 19:23:13

TBH it probably already has, if by 'having a family' she means her own biological children. Even if Mr Perfect whisked her off her feet tomorrow she'd be very lucky if she conceived easily at 42.
I doubt that Mr Perfect exists, and if he did he would have been snapped up by some other undeserving wench years ago. Being unwilling to compromise has serious downsides, but she must already know that. Maybe having waited so long it's just too hard to admit that she's passed up chances of happiness with several Mr-not-perfect-but-could-have- worked.

WipsGlitter Tue 01-Apr-14 19:23:56

My BiL is like this! He runs the whole relationship in his head and then rejects them. His dream woman is just that a dream. I've set him up with various people who he's rejected for being chubby, married before... All sorts of silly reasons.

Cinderellie Tue 01-Apr-14 19:25:09

I know there must be some reason for her to behave like this. In most other ways she is very level headed.

Insecure - I'm not sure. She is very, very outgoing and always the centre of attention on a night out (in a good way).

bakingtins Tue 01-Apr-14 19:25:44

The myth of "the One" has a lot to answer for.

I agree with OP that there is a happy medium between jumping into bed with the first arsehole that you meet and having such impossibly high standards that nobody gets a look in.

Cinderellie Tue 01-Apr-14 19:27:16

I've a similar male friend too actually. His future wife would need to practically be Miss World with a spectacular career in medicine law or finance! But he does at least go on lots of dates and had a few relationships.

Andanotherthing123 Tue 01-Apr-14 19:27:42

I don't think there's much you can realistically do. Maybe she likes the idea of being in a relationship more than the reality?

Wantsunshine Tue 01-Apr-14 19:29:16

Maybe she hasn't found anyone she just clicks with and her list of requirements is her justification for this. Good to hear she has standards though, so many don't.

Cinderellie Tue 01-Apr-14 19:29:30

It's not just the man himself that had to be perfect. It's also the wedding, the house they will live in. She has set such a high standard for everything.

XiCi Tue 01-Apr-14 19:29:54

So she hasn't fallen in love yet. Why should she settle just because she's getting older? What if she had a baby to the hairy armed fella she didn't particularly like and then the man of her dreams came into her life? Sounds like she's got her head screwed on. Must be awful to be with someone you know isn't right for you just out of desperation to have a family.

Oakmaiden Tue 01-Apr-14 19:30:42

Could you get them together?

NoArmaniNoPunani Tue 01-Apr-14 19:32:33

If she really wants children she might need to consider sperm donation. She has plenty of time to meet a man but time is running out if she wants a baby

formerbabe Tue 01-Apr-14 19:32:47

Women have been sold a massive lie about their 'prince charming'! There are not plenty of good looking, intelligent, caring, funny, macho, sensitive, rich hunks out there. There are however lots of normal men out there with some good points and some bad points.

Most women work this out after a lot of dating but some continue to believe!

Cinderellie Tue 01-Apr-14 19:33:26

I''me not saying she should settle. But my husband wore a terrible tie on our first date. A tie can be changed. Hairy arms can be dealt with, as can bad shoes!

FreudiansSlipper Tue 01-Apr-14 19:35:05

maybe she does not want to commitment as much as she thinks she does

if a man were acting this way we would think he really did not want commitment

MaryWestmacott Tue 01-Apr-14 19:35:34

She probably knows it's too late for a family, and sadly, men who are that perfect in their early 40s are rarely dating woman in their early 40s.

So she can play at her fantasy perfect man hunt to cover the fact she can't have what she wants, it's not that she can't have it with a normal man, it's that she's not settling, see how much more positive that sounds...

Smile and nod, but don't think she means it, unless she's very thick, she knows she's not going to find all of that and her window of opportunity to have dcs is pretty much over. It's like the threads on here when people say what houses they'd buy if they won the euro lottery, they know it's probably never going to happen, but it's their dream world ideal. Your SIL is doing the relationship version of looking on right move, picking the £12m house and saying how she'd redecorate it/not use the rooms that way, of course it's probably not going to happen- you are effectively saying "well you need to look at the £1m houses, because you're more likely to win the raffle", it's unlikely it'll happen at all, so why not have the perfect, big dream?

Preciousbane Tue 01-Apr-14 19:35:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kerala Tue 01-Apr-14 19:36:29

Also if you want one as described b formerbabe you have to bag them early

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