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To not tell her?

(48 Posts)
curiousgeorgie Tue 01-Apr-14 15:14:11

I don't want this to be identifiable so am going to change a few details.

I'm completely torn. My best friend was with her boyfriend for 9 years. They bought a house, got engaged, were deep into wedding planning and she started to have 2nd thoughts.

She asked him for a little bit of space and stayed with me for 3 weeks, it was very confusing but no one else was involved (as she didn't leave my side the entire time, I'm positive about this.

She decided she was being ridiculous and had just panicked, did love her DP and decided to go home. I went with her as she wanted to sort the house, make dinner etc and surprise him with a 'kind of' apology meal and get things back on track. She said it was the stress of the massive wedding she felt she was being forced to plan, and the pressure about having kids he was putting on her.

We arrived at her house and it was a sty. Her DP's laptop was open and on Plenty Of Fish, with his photo as the profile picture, so hard to miss. We (rightly or wrongly) looked at his profile, where he said he was single and looking for fun. He had deleted all recent conversations.

While cleaning up, we also found his phone bill, which was sky high, all calls and texts to the same mobile number at an alarming quantity... But dating further back than when she had left for her 'break'.

We called the number and a female answered, and I asked her who she was (at my friends insistence, as I thought the best thing to do would be call and confront DP but she was getting really upset) and she asked if I was best friend and (with her nodding) I said yes. The woman told to that I should just ask him and put the phone down.

Her DP came back and had obviously heard from the woman as he was totally defensive. He had a go at her for calling, they had a screaming row that went nowhere and she wanted to leave so came back to mine.

They had a conversation later where he said he had started something a week after she left and it was new, before that, they were just friends that met online and swore blind nothing had happened. He broke up with BF and they sold their house via email only, no conversations.

My friend has been destroyed. It's been very hard for her but she recently met someone amazing and is very happy.

Another friend of mine is on Plenty Of Fish and has just discovered something. ExP new girlfriend has an old profile on there, that she updated a few months after the break up saying 'I thought I would update to tell you, I found love, you can too. We've been together over a year now and he's amazing.' And goes on to tell the entire story of my BF's relationship & breakup, including untrue details such as her cheating on him and him never loving her. It also proves what my friend really wanted to know all along, that he had been cheating for a long time and she was right to take a break to decide if she should marry him. She's blamed herself this whole time, that she lost him because of those 3 weeks.

But on the other hand... It's been a long road of upset and devastation and she's finally out the other side, so maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie and not tell her.

WWYD??

hellsbellsmelons Tue 01-Apr-14 15:19:26

She's out the otherside now.
No point going over the past again.
She's moved on. Let her stay that way.
It must have been horrible at the time though and I'm glad you were a good friend who was there for her at such an awful time.

Having said that - you know her best.
If you think it will help her get 'closure' then that's your call.

Essexgirlupnorth Tue 01-Apr-14 15:20:29

Tough one in someways it would help for her to know but if she is over it than it could just open up old wounds. Would it upset her if she found out you knew and didn't tell her

littlemisssarcastic Tue 01-Apr-14 15:20:34

I wouldn't tell her now. As you say, she has met someone else and is happy now.

curiousgeorgie Tue 01-Apr-14 15:21:38

Essex - that's partly what I'm worried about. I wish I didn't know!

ViviPru Tue 01-Apr-14 15:30:49

I'm very much of a mind that it's best to just stay well out of other peoples relationships, and avoid drama at all costs.... but in this case if she truly IS out the other side and completely over what happened APART from those niggling feelings of uncertainty, then it might be an idea to tell her, but you'd have to choose your moment and approach very carefully.

If you think she is likely to contact him again over it then definitely DON'T tell her, but if you think she'd benefit from a good bitch with you about him in light of this new information and leave it there, then maybe tell her....

Guineapig99 Tue 01-Apr-14 15:33:09

I wouldn't. it's in the past, what good can come of it and she's moved on.

Irishmummy1981 Tue 01-Apr-14 15:33:42

If it was you would you want to know? Personally if it was me I would want to know. She may find out that you knew and be really mad you didnt tell her.

badtime Tue 01-Apr-14 15:35:10

I think in your position, I wouldn't tell her, but I would take a screenshot in case for some reason circumstances changed and it did seem like a good idea - the other woman might have taken her self-justification down by then.

thebody Tue 01-Apr-14 15:36:54

I wouldn't tell her right now.

see how this relationship goes. if it's great and she moves on totally them that's good and the past is the past.

if however this relationship fails and your bf starts hankering back to old flame or talking about it being her fault he went then, you can just tell her what you saw to protect her from regrets or trying to contact him

what a lovely friend you are.

SlimJiminy Tue 01-Apr-14 15:44:59

Honestly, I think I'd want to know. Not because I'm secretly unhappy or because I'd act on the new information about my ex. It would just be further reassurance that the split was for the best. That it wasn't all down to my failings/something I did. That my doubts/gut feeling were absolutely right and that if I was in the same situation and had the same feeling again, I'd trust myself to walk away.

It's great that she's happy now, but relationships come and go and if she did find herself single in a few years time thinking "is it me/am I doing something wrong?" she'll have this bit of information that tells her she did the right thing.

I also know I'd find it hard to keep something like that from my best friend - even though she's perfectly happy and with someone else now - it's just something I'd want out in the open rather than always be wondering "should I say something?"

formerbabe Tue 01-Apr-14 15:45:06

Great idea to screen shot but say nothing... Unless you really have to.

curiousgeorgie Tue 01-Apr-14 15:46:43

I've screenshot it all already.

Tough!!

squoosh Tue 01-Apr-14 15:53:06

I wouldn't say anything unless she started looking back on the old relationship with rose tinted glasses.

She obviously knew there was something up at the time or she wouldn't have had such major pre-wedding jitters.

tumbletumble Tue 01-Apr-14 15:58:55

If I was your friend, I'd want you to tell me.

DoJo Tue 01-Apr-14 16:08:18

It sounds like knowing could help her - is there really any downside to getting confirmation that she was right to be suspicious and that she dodged a bullet by not getting back together with him?
You could even ask her - either directly (i.e. would you want to know if I found out something about a past relationship of yours) or indirectly (I have a friend in this position - WWYD). Either way, I think you need to trust your instincts and take your time thinking about this - you can always tell her at a later date, but you can't un-tell her once it's out there so take as much time as you need to be sure.

spatchcock Tue 01-Apr-14 16:14:11

What a weird thing to put on a dating profile.

I wouldn't tell her. Sleeping dogs and all that.

shewhowines Tue 01-Apr-14 16:26:56

I'd want to know

PennyJennyPie Tue 01-Apr-14 16:34:40

I broke up with my ex under less than happy circumstances and we broke all contact. A couple of years later I heard how his life had turned out and it made my day (we broke up because he definitely didn't want children, he got an old ex pregnant within 3 month of our breakup)(I have DS so OK with this info). Tell her but be sensitive...

MyPrettyToes Tue 01-Apr-14 16:35:42

I would want to know, rightly or wrongly I like to get closure on things like this and in this situation I would have probably blamed myself, like your friend. The truth would help me.

Only you know your friend here. How will take it if you tell her? If it is a case of one step back three steps forward then tell her. But if you think it may devastate her all over again leave it.

If there is any likelihood that she will find out through other sources or people are likely to gossip about her regarding these untruths then tell her.

wannabestressfree Tue 01-Apr-14 16:42:05

I would definitely want to know....

BeesHaveNoxiousKnees Tue 01-Apr-14 16:58:09

I would absolutely want to know. After my divorce from a serial cheater, I was more hurt when I found out how many people knew about the cheating but decided 'not to interfere'. Not only did I find that more humiliating but I believe it would've helped me move out quicker - I suspected but could never pin the bastard down, and with my precious DD still a toddler, I kept thinking I had to make it work.
Reading about his reaction when you two bust him made me go cold... my ExH 'reassured' me similarly - all of it utter lies.
You say your friend believed she caused the break-up with her 3 week rethink. If she still believes that, especially after all this time, it is reason enough to tell her. And what someone else here pointed out: if it does come out later that you knew and didn't tell her, well, I'd be jolly hurt - even if you said you were trying to protect me, it would be like, am I not adult/able enough to handle and deal with the truth about my life?
Good luck, you sound like someone who cares about her friend.

Mmmbacon Tue 01-Apr-14 19:17:13

Tell her

Slightly different, but when I finally left an abusive relationship his friend rang me an appoligised to me for not telling me he had previous form as they thought he had changed,

For some reason hearing it wasn't my fault helped in my recovery, helped me see things clearer, I bert she will be glad ti have affirmation

bonesarecoralmade Tue 01-Apr-14 19:22:09

If you are close, you will find out if she is dwelling on him and if the knowledge will help her. If she brings it up and gets all "if only", you can say "I wasn't sure whether to tell you this, but..."

Jolleigh Tue 01-Apr-14 19:30:34

I'd personally tell her. If she truly is out of the other side then it just confirms for her that she did nothing wrong and is well shot of her ex. Be delicate about it though...you don't want to open old wounds.

It does look like her ex's new GF doesn't realise she was the other woman for about 9 months though and has been fed a pack of lies. Poor cow.

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