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How can I stop my husband from corrupting my son?

(10 Posts)
giselle58 Tue 01-Apr-14 05:21:16

I am in the process of getting divorced after a 31 year marriage. I'm very glad to be leaving it behind. My husband was very emotionally abusive and controlling and I've now found out (how did I not know!) that he had been playing around with women for years and years. He comes from a very disturbed background, in particular a violent and peculiar father. One of the things that happened to him as teenager was that his father used to take him to meet his girlfriends.

I know that my husband will try and do the same to my son - he may already have done so. My son is now 21. Do I warn/talk to him about this? I've never ever said anything about his father's weird background before. And in our breakup I've tried to keep facts to a minimum. But I'm worried about his father's corrupting influence.

Insights and advice from anyone out there would be helpful. It's doing my head in thinking about it. I hate the idea that my beautiful boy will turn into his dad.

MiniSoksMakeHardWork Tue 01-Apr-14 05:28:25

In the nicest possible way, your son is 21. He's an adult. If you were talking about a younger child then I'd say you have to set some ground rules. But your ds is old enough to make his own mind up. I think if you say anything you will only be seen as being bitter and resentful. Safer to say nothing and be the bigger person. But in your own home, don't allow your son to display any negative behaviour towards you.

TravellingToad Tue 01-Apr-14 05:38:19

I was with you...until you said your son was 21

jugofwildflowers Tue 01-Apr-14 05:40:04

Your dh has been your son's role model all his life, you know that.

However your dh has treated you all these years will be seen as normal behaviour.

Well done for getting out of a dysfunctional relationship after 31 years but the fact is, it is too late now for your son not to be badly influenced already.

He is old enough to make his mind up whether to be 'like father, like son' or follow his own path.

Chottie Tue 01-Apr-14 05:46:28

I agree with Mini. I hope life is good to you now and in the future.

daisychain01 Tue 01-Apr-14 07:43:54

You can only hope that your DS will totally rebel again his DFs behaviour and see his negative traits. A lot of offspring do!

Supercosy Tue 01-Apr-14 08:24:15

What is your son's opinion of his dad at the moment? I say this because I have many friends (and my DP) who had truly vile dads but they totally knew this and weren't in the least bit impressed by them, in fact they loathed them. None of my friends or dp are anything like their fathers. I think if your Ds doesn't see that his dad is controlling or abusive then it is going to be hard.

My dd lives separetely from her dad (very different situation) and he is not an abusive person. He is however very selfish and self absorbed and barely makes ANY time for her ever. I have never needed to say this to her, she has realised it herself.

daisychain01 Tue 01-Apr-14 08:33:40

Yes supercosy, kids have a way of drawing their own conclusions about bad behaviour, especially if they have the other parent to compare to. Some of it is nature, so e of it is nurture of course. All giselle can do is keep on being a positive influence to her DS and that will hopefully neutralise the negativity!

Delphiniumsblue Tue 01-Apr-14 08:42:18

I was with you until I realised that your son has been an adult for more than 3 years. Leave well alone. Children are not stupid anyway, he has had years to make up his own mind.

Burren Tue 01-Apr-14 10:00:29

OP, I was reading with horror, because I thought your son was a young child.

I can imagine you are feeling strange and vulnerable at the end of a long, abusive marriage - 31 years is a long time, after all - but trust your son. He may choose to have a relationship with his father, but he's perfectly capable of setting his own terms, surely? And now that your marriage is over, any girlfriends your ex-husband has are 'legitimate' presumably? It's not quite the same situation as your former FIL introducing his young son to his mistresses behind his wife's back?

Congratulations on being free, and best wishes for the future.

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