AIBU to nt want to have to deal with MIL?(24 Posts)
Sorry of this is long, but wanted to give a fair picture!
Yesterday, DP and I were supposed t take MIL out for lunch for mothers day. We were trying to make it special as I am 30 weeks pregnant and so next mothers day will be for me too, so we worried she would feel a bit left out next year. We got her nice presents and a card, and booked a nice restaurant. DP went to collect her and was getting me on the way back, then all going to the restaurant together.
IN the car, on the way to get me, she asked DP how I was. He said i was really struggling with my SPD as its very painful and I cant walk very far at all anymore. her response was "well everyone gets it"
He tried to explain to her that it wasnt normal aches, its something different. her response was that he "wants to watch it". She then went on to launch into a tirade about me, how I was taking advantage of DP, and how that now I'm pregnant I have him right where I want him. She complained that I make things up and exaggerate them for attention like SPD. she said he was a doormat to put up with it, and complained that he does things like pass me a drink if he is nearer to the side table than i am. She also sad that I will have him doing everything with baby when he is here, and that he is making a rod for his own back, as i will get used to him looking after me. She also complained that at xmas, he did everythign (even though I cooked everything while DP was ut picking her and FIL up!
He told her it wasn't approriate to say things like that on the way to get me, and how could we all go for a nice lunch with him knowing whatshe had said about me. she carried on and on, and then said "I think its best you take me home" which he did.
when he arrived home he obviously had to tell me what had happened.
DP in the youngest of 3 sons. The other 2 sons have cut contact with MIL for 10-15 years now.
The middle sons reason for not speaking to her is that when his wife was pregnant, she told everyone despite them asking her not to tell anyone yet, even telling family members they wanted to tell themselves. She then came to their house 200 miles away the week the baby was due and decided she was staying, despite the fact his wife's mum was staying already! They said she should have called, at which point she went home in a strop and refused to back down. As such she hasn't seen her grandchild, who is now 10. She tells anyone who will listen that it is because her son is in the wrong.
We told her I was pregnant when I was 7 weeks, after she made it VERY clear she already knew (made comments about my "childbearing hips" and even patted my stomach on one occasion). We specifically said that we didn't want anyone else to know, and not to buy anything. She lasted 4 days, before she told her neighbour and took her baby clothes shopping. When DP said he wasn't happy about this, she sulked for 10 weeks and refused to even mention the baby.
Everything then seemed ok for a couple of weeks, then it was xmas. She decided midway through dinner that she wanted to go home and gave no explanation.
After that, we noticed that whenever I spoke she talked over me, and was dismissive of anything I said. Ie, when I said I had spd, she just said how her arthritis is worse, or when i told her about me being told I had a heart murmur, she said everyone has one in pregnancy. When i treied to tell her we bought the pram, she asked if we had it at home and said "well if somehting happens to the baby, on your heads be it". She knows my sister had a stillborth at xmas. This is the 2nd time shes made a similar comment. She also keeps making comments about how much weight ive put on (ive actually lost weight due to HG) and presented me with a low fat cookbook.
Then a few weeks ago, she asked DP to fix somehting on her emails, and her last email was open. Which said how she had mixed feelings about the baby, as she thinks Im not right for DP, and she doesnt now how to say it but it ignoring it s she can be a hands on granny. We pretended we hadnt seen it and have never mentioned it.
After the latest events Ive run out of patience with her, and really cant be bothered with her behaviour. WIBU to say DP has to visit without me in future?
I dont see how I can sit and make small talk knowing what she has said, and she will never apologise.
Oh boy, she is jealous!
I wouldn't have her in my life.
Personally, I think your BILs have the right idea. She seems toxic and not the kind of person I would want around me or my child!
YANBU, maybe someone needs to tell her straight!
Good grief. I'm not surprised her other sons have gone NC with her . I'd say it's up to your DP to decide whether he wants to see her or not, but that you certainly shouldn't have to deal with her (and I'd include hearing all the nasty things she's said in that)
Yanbu. In fact I think yabu for still seeing her after she the comment about it being your fault if something happens to the baby. Nasty horrid bitch.
yanbu to not want to deal with her anymore! She sounds vile and horrible
My first LTB, leave the b@#ch, absolutely echo the above posts. You don't need someone like her in your life, especially when you will have a new baby to look after.
Can you imagine her as a "hands on granny" run away, far far away!
First and foremost congratulations on being pregnant and you have my sympathy as I suffered for all 9 months with hg and developed horrific spd which I think I am still suffering from slightly so i feel your pain!!
Secondly, you mil is pure evil!!! I would suggest you follow the lead of dp's brothers and cut all contact!!
How dare she say stuff like that!!! But the huge cheers to your dp for telling his mum where to get off and standing up to her!!! Yay that man!!!
It sounds to me as she she has horrible jealously, triggered by the arrival of grandchildren! Given her previous form on the matter, YANBU. Your DH sounds like a star though.
You only get one life, and people like have a habit of turning into a shitty stressful existance.
She is not worth your time and energy and I beleive the only solution here is to go non contact as her other sons have done.
Certainly if I were you I would refuse to spend any more time in her company she would not be welcome in my home, irrespective of whether your dh wanted to continue contact.
You don't mention what your DP thinks of all this?
Sorry! he is very angry and considering going NC. but also feels a bit torn as he is the last one, and also she has threatened suicide in the past over stupid things, which is worrying
Oh come on!
What on earth made you want to make Mothers' Day special for her in the first place?
There is nothing you can do to make her a reasonable person. Your DH has to do what his brothers have done and cut contact.
What is your FiL like?
I'm constantly amazed at the weird, weird in-laws people have. I didn't like my FIL but even he wasn't as batshit strange as your MIL. Certainly it seems like you would all be better off with her out of your life. If she has kept threatening suicide every time she has had a sulk but not done it, it's just a tactic, she's not going to do i.
Fil is lovely. Calm reasonable level headed funny. Generally nice to spend time with.
I can see why they are divorced!
She's a control freak. Is that the same as toxic?
She doesn't deserve what's even left. hth
I'd say to your DH that if she didn't want her 3 sons to go NC she should maybe have learned before now not to drive them away.
Has she seen Monster-in-law? That sounds like a good Mothering day gift for her.
As far as her attitude goes, she is a loud mouthed person who should have kept her opinion to herself. But she didn't, and now she can reap what she sows.
Definitely don't keep putting yourself through this. She sounds horrible.
I would say it sounds very much like you absolutely do not have a DH problem unlike the vast majority of mil threads
The other thing is that we spoke to fil and he said she had called him and told him half the story of what happened (a version where she is the victim) so now dp is annoyed that we haven't had an apology from her. And it will never come as she is always the victim. We haven't had a call or text or anything off her since.
Look, she's dreadfully unpleasant, and two out of three children already went NC. She's had the chance to learn from her mistakes, and learn to zip it when necessary. She hasn't.
Your partner shouldn't feel guilty for reaching his own limit in the least.
In no particular order, I'd like to congratulate you on your pregnancy, and congratulate your partner for standing up for you.
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