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LO's dad & Court order

(30 Posts)
RalphLaurenLover Mon 31-Mar-14 19:54:18

Come here for the traffic.

I've just received an email from my LO's father. Stating he will be restarting court proceedings.

The court ended court proceedings in October 2013 due to the contact being extremely distressing and upsetting to my LO They stated that due to his age they can't force this upon him and that their is nothing the courts can do.

I'd take him to contact and he'd cry as soon as he'd be in the room, to the point where contact consisted of where I had to be in the room and he had to be in the waiting room and he'd still be crying for the following 5 days my son would cry to the point he was sick if I went anywhere out of site, he wouldn't eat or sleep in his bed without me.

He then stopped paying for contact at the centre and stated he wanted to come to my home. Due to DV and EA I refused this and said that someone else had to be present.

The court's said he could re-apply once circumstances have changed (which they haven't) He's now saying he's going to apply back to court to get visitation and shared residence. My son's seen him for about 5 hours tops (he refused contact from when he was born to he was a year old) where one hour he wouldn't leave me, the other hour he was asleep, the rest I spent the hour in the room and he was in the waiting room.

Are the courts likely to grant this given the fact circumstance haven't changed. My LO still doesn't leave my side, doesn't go to nursery etc and I've never left him bar my admittance to hospital Which he tried to use as evidence as contempt of court hmm

Any advice?

Ponkypink Mon 31-Mar-14 20:21:44

Courts will probably order a gradual build up of contact rather than immediate overnights for example. What age is your child though? It depends a lot on this. Very different for an 2yo and an 11yo, for example- the 11yo they may say would cope with more contact immediately, whereas with a younger child it would need to be built up more gradually. The only real advice it's possible to give is to get a solicitor and tell them as much as possible straight off about the case and the history of the relationship, so they can represent you and your child's interests fairly.

RalphLaurenLover Mon 31-Mar-14 20:32:18

my son isn't even two yet.

I've just received an email which went like this;



Just a message to ask if you are willing to go to mediation. Before I file against you and start court proceedings again

I will be starting proceedings within the next couple of days"

"You can re-apply to the Contact Centre Contact will be in there until my son is ready to progress out of it."

" 're the question ( mediation ) yes or no ?

Yes then I will arrange a mediator
No then I will 're start court proceedings

Our son is nearly two years old and you have begrudge and (alienated) from his father"

gordyslovesheep Mon 31-Mar-14 20:43:16

two seperate issues - 1. the court will tell him to get to fuck imho - circs haven't changed so he's being a cock

secondly that email is massively PA and subtly abusive - he is in fact a giant cock

YANBU - let him go to court - it's his money he's wasting

gordyslovesheep Mon 31-Mar-14 20:44:09

Oh and I say that as somebody who is usually nice and fair and kind towards NRP's - he sounds very manipulative thanks

RalphLaurenLover Mon 31-Mar-14 20:49:46

I was thinking of letting him go to mediation and stating I only will be having contact in a contact centre so it's documented that i'm not being awkward and if it still goes on like it use to I'll stop it and let him take me to court then I'll have evidence to back up the circs defiantly haven't changed.

He's wasting everyone's time he is Passive Aggressive and very manipulative and abusive.

He's wasting his money with mediation because I already offered contact.

OliviaBenson Mon 31-Mar-14 22:07:52

I thought mediation wasn't recommended where there has been abuse? I think you need a shit hot solicitor.

RalphLaurenLover Mon 31-Mar-14 22:11:25

I had a solicitor on legal aid but I can't afford one.

He denies all knowledge of the DV, EA, Manipulation etc. always say's I'm lying and making it up etc.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 31-Mar-14 22:14:26

So the court has already agreed to contact being stopped due to this man's abusive behaviour and the evident distress caused to your son, and there is a record of the man's abuse?
The court will tell him to get stuffed. Ignore the email.

Joules68 Mon 31-Mar-14 22:20:39

What did the court stipulate the circumstances which were to change actually were?

Sorry, think you have to prepare for contact to be reinstated. Courts like to encourage relationships. By thd time it actually gets to a judge your ds will be heading for being 3. No longer a baby.

RalphLaurenLover Mon 31-Mar-14 22:24:08

The police where involved with the constant harassment this year they know all about the violence and the fact that he use to sit outside my house, he even took to Facebook to tell people what car I drove, "how many holidays I have a year" what type of clothes I wear etc.

He's just sent this;


Mediation might help so we can get to the bottom of why things are the way they are as to why you hate me so when I have done Nouthing untoward and why you won't let me be apart of XXXX life.

I will need some kind of contact details phone number that you can be contacted on by the Mediation officer.


I replied stating I offered contact and that still stands as long as it's in the contact centre, mediation isn't therapy and I will only be discussing contact nothing else. He won't be getting contact numbers he has this designated email address for his contact and that's it.

RalphLaurenLover Tue 01-Apr-14 19:36:11

I spoke to a mediation service myself and my old solicitor & the court who held the case who both confirmed contact will have to be done In the contact centre I informed Ds's father and this is his response

"As far as the contact center it's still un affordable and always will be. It's taken me 5 months to save enough money to start court proceedings again so the 180 an hour for mediation is also out of reach.


So nothing has changed he still is refusing to pay for the centre and expects me to hand him over 3 nights a week and 2 days.

Nothing has changed hmm

SolidGoldBrass Tue 01-Apr-14 22:36:43

Honestly, he will be told to fuck off. Long history of abuse and refusal to co-operate regarding the contact centre will count against him. He certainly has no legal right whatsoever to contact with you apart from via the email address you have given him. And you can refuse mediation as it is never recommended when there has been abuse.

Remember that he is not a reasonable person and therefore his opinion doesn't matter.

Joules68 Tue 01-Apr-14 23:06:49

Most areas have free contact centres. His solicitor should inform him of this. Of course, there are also those you have to pay for, sounds like he hasn't been given correct info

RalphLaurenLover Tue 01-Apr-14 23:07:48

I just don't understand never will hmm what he hoped to achieve or what the purpose of this is?

He accuses me of begrudging my son of his father and alienating him, I offer him contact he refuses.

He asks to go to mediation, I set mine up for him to show I'm co-operation give him the cost and he refuses.

He can't take me to court if he doesn't go to mediation first anyway, He honestly thought he could have my son 3 nights a week, his birthday, my son's birthday, Christmas, Easter and the summer holidays straight away. The court granted him none and laughed in his face.

He's still trying to manipulate, control and emotional abuse me. He doesn't like the fact that I won't do as he say's because "he's the adult and I'm just a silly little child" He's 37/8 and I'm only just 21 (he lied about his age)

Joules68 Tue 01-Apr-14 23:09:56

Mediation does not happen where there has been abuse...... How come nobody is telling you this?

RalphLaurenLover Tue 01-Apr-14 23:14:57

Joules68 - because he flat out denies every thing and say's im making it out and because I never went to the police it's treated as hearsay.

mom2twoteens Tue 01-Apr-14 23:20:48

My Ex was the same, those emails are so like the one's I used to get.

I have to say he's been difficult for years. Stick with it though. It's not easy but you have to be strong for your son.

I don't understand how he can afford to go to court but can't afford the mediation, which is usually cheaper, or the contact centre. Those seem to be obvious first steps in contact, if he's serious. It looks more like he's still trying to get at you.

Are you absolutely sure nothing's changed? If it hasn't you should be okay.

Stay strong. Good Luck.

RalphLaurenLover Tue 01-Apr-14 23:28:56

mom2twoteens - The court said they'd look at contact again if circumstances change and my son was a lot older.

The only thing that's changed is my son is 5 months older then when the case was closed.

He still can't afford contact, he still can't afford to "live" yet has two cars which he's constantly doing up The contact didn't even get out the supervised with notes side of the contact centre because my son got so upset.

He's really horrible, the court were shocked when he filed an application for contempt of court and an enforcement order because I didn't attend he was aware I was in hospital on life support and brain surgery pending and he still tried.

mom2twoteens Tue 01-Apr-14 23:44:14

The legal system regarding contact can be really difficult to get through. They have to listen to his side and it can be really difficult to deal with and it can take a long time. Do you have people who can help you and provide emotional support?

I don't mean to make you feel worse, but my ex took me to court several times, CAFCASS were quite useless but fortunately the judges in my case saw the truth of what was happening. It does drag out though.

I was a joined a local Gingerbread group and got a lot of support from some of the people there. We all had different experiences and could talk each other through stuff or just be a listening ear and a place to sound off. It doesn't help in a practical sense but sometimes it takes the edge of things.

Try not to let it take over your life. Don't forget to still enjoy your son, they grow up fast.

mom2twoteens Tue 01-Apr-14 23:45:08

Last message was garbled in places, it's getting late. LOL

SolidGoldBrass Tue 01-Apr-14 23:50:24

Don't engage or argue with his emails, just state the fact - 'You can have contact at contact centre on [whatever] dates. Mediation is not appropriate.' and ignore (but save) any ranting and abuse. It doesn't matter what he thinks.

There is, I believe, still a point in law where someone who repeatedly launches unwinnable court actions purely to distress another person can be designated a 'vexatious litigant' amnd not allowed to bring any more cases.

RalphLaurenLover Tue 01-Apr-14 23:50:41

I have some emotional support. Nobody else has gone through this so the last court case dragged out 18 months =/

I spoke to CAFCASS briefly and never got an interview but they had my son birth date listed 6 times incorrectly, me as a man, my name wrong, my son's name wrong, wrong phone numbers, wrong information. only one line out of 4 pages wasn't correct and that was the CAFCASS details.

It's okay lol

mom2twoteens Wed 02-Apr-14 00:00:12

Sounds like CAFCASS. LOL

Regarding what Solid said, a friend of mine had an ex who kept bringing court cases and the court sent him packing. He kept trying to get money out of her, even though she'd bought him out of the house and she had custody. Most bizarre.

Solid, any idea how many times that has to happen before it stops?

RLL, what Solid says is good though, however hard it is don't respond with anything nasty or bitter. I know that's easier said than done. Let it go to court if that's what he wants, but don't give him any ammo.

Write all your rants in a word document and never send them anywhere, just get it out of your system.

RalphLaurenLover Wed 02-Apr-14 00:09:01

Mom - this was my reply blush

"After speaking to my solicitor and numerous mediation companies those are the cost. The contact centre will also be the only option.

If you are refusing to pay for both then I don’t see what you’re hoping to achieve. The mediators have explained and will do to yourself as well, that they are not a therapy they won’t be discussing how you feel, they are only there to mediate issues.

Seeing as You’re ignoring contact that has already been offered to you and are refusing to pay for mediation as you would have to cover my cost as well.

The courts will only order contact centre contact due to the fact that XXX does nothing but cry when left alone with you.

I suggest you use the money you’d waste going to court and actually use it to see my son in the required place. However that is ultimately your decision."

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