Me or dp ? He has left / I've kicked him out

[Guylianlover]

Posted here for traffic.

I don't know who's in the wrong. Me and dp are going through a bit of a bad patch. Been together four years, have one infant dd.

I'm a SAHM, both our choice, I love it, but I struggle sometimes with regarding puttng my work on the back burner. I've always been a very independent person. I also have a dd who is 18 who lives with her bf.

Recently dd2 has been sleeping terribly and I've been like a zombie. I do every thing. All the child care, all the house work and go to work myself for a few hours on a weekend, just to keep my foot in. The deal was, dp is to take care of dd if she wakes as I have work early. But by the time he drags his arse out of bed, she is awake and won't settle and will have the whole house up- screaming.

When I get home from work the house is a shit hole. One day a week he has to pull his weight and dosnt. He will start cleaning up, when I arrive. I will actually tidy up before I go work, so the mess - and it's a fucking state, is all his doing. We had a big argument about it last night

I've gone off sex. I'm too tired, I don't fancy him any more , which I think he knows but he is trying to make an effort with his appearance I've noticed.

I feel like his mother rather than his equal partner. He is shit at following through with stuff and I always have to pick his slack up. At weekend he has X,Y,Z and really busy , so basically when I get in from work I'm left looking after dd2 by myself again. When I enquire what the fuck he has been doing it's something really pathetic .

He lies over small things, things to get him off a nag, spending too much on shit ect.. If he says he is going to place X he will ring from place Z , plans that we make will go out the window because he 'forgot'. I have zero trust in him.

Today dd1 was visiting. She is having a bit of space from her bf. She stayed over last night and the plan was to spend the day doing something, then early evening, dp was going to drive in to the city, drop her at her bf, get her work clothes , pick a take away up and come back .

Before we went to the activity I knew he had to do something after it. We discussed it with his dad who was going to help dp. When dropping us off he said won't be long!

I went to visit my dgm and left my phone at home. When I got back an hour later I had a missed call. Dp so I rang it. He was outside the fucking take away , 1 hours drive away, right near dd1 bf place, asking what we wanted to eat ?

He was with his mate. I told him to come back and I was pissed off as he knew dd was waiting to go with him. He said he 'forgot'.

When he got back, I went mad and spoke to him terribly.

Apparently dp couldn't do the job and the excuse he gave was wank, he could have fucking done it. He choose to go pick his mate up and go fir a fucking drive in the sun! He tried ringing me but I didn't pick up and I'd gone out.I told him he needed to grow the fuck up. He was a compulsive liar ect... Dd1 was in her room and heard every thing.

He was sat in his car out side and said he wasn't going back to town for food - which also not talking dd1 for her work clothes and I blew a gasket.

Called him spiteful, all the names under the sun don't bother coming back, why was he talking out on dd1.
He said he wasn't coming back anyway, he has had enough if not being able to do nothing right. I shouldn't have said it with ear shit if dd1 as it would have been embarrassing for him.

I feel I have to micro manage him - I don't know if I'm being too controlling. Sometimes I think I am but if I leave it to him , every thing would fuck up

Dd1 has had an argument with her bf because she has not gone to get her stuff , teen arguments.

Other than this sticky patch , we rarely argue. Enjoy each other company. But I just feel bogged down with having to be the fucking grown up all the time.

and if you got this far.

[rabbitlady]

you've got too much on. maybe you do need to be rid of him. don't blame yourself and see what tomorrow brings. good luck. i read it all, by the way. it was unusually interesting, for a mn post.

[Forgettable]

Relationships just shouldn't be this hard

You are not a SAHM if you have a job, you work part time, yes? Anyway, not a biggie because the real biggie is what to do now.

Practical things can wait til tomorrow but you will need to sort out who moves out, money, income support or whatever, can yiur job become more hours mon-fri rather than weekends etc, for child care purposes

[Melonade]

You sound as if you absolutely hate this man...

[Guylianlover]

melonade

Honestly, I did before for letting dd1 down and seeing her upset and then upset even more because her bf was giving her a hard time over it.

I do t hate him, I just hate what's happening to us

[notmyproblem]

Tell him to pull his weight or leave. End of. Why should he get to pretend he's not a parent or live the single life and you get to be the grown up? Sounds like your life would be easier without him. Does he realise how close you are to kicking him to the curb?

Can you have a rational discussion outlining all the points you mentioned above (nicely and calmly of course) and see what he says? That you don't fancy him, that he doesn't pull his weight, that he's acting like a child and making your job harder?

I would not put up with this behaviour from my partner. YANBU.

[iamsoannoyed]

You sound exhausted. You are trying to look after an infant (day and night), work part-time (sort of?) and do the cooking/cleaning/tidying by yourself. On the one day your DH has to do some of that, he doesn't seem to bother. You nag him, as he doesn't do it- he gets annoyed. I'm not surprised your emotional and physical relationship with your DH isn't good.

By the sound of it your DH needs to pull his weight if your relationship is to work. Have you spoken to him about this before- as opposed to just "nagged"? Maybe he doesn't realise how bad it's been, or doesn't really know what it is you want him to do?

Either way, you both need to sit down and have an adult discussion about where things have gone wrong and what you can do to salvage your relationship (if you both wan to). If you don't or can't, you need to come up with sensible arrangements regarding the end of your relationship- finances/home, access to your DD etc.

[Guylianlover]

forgettable re. Work mon-fri. I'm not sure . It's something I'll have to look in to

[Guylianlover]

Yes I've sent calm emails and he always promised to try harder.

Last night , I was beyond tired. I felt like I was in drugs. I was supposed to meet my lovely best friend who I've not seen for months but physically or mentally not go. When she asked if I was ok, I couldn't speak as I was choking up! In the end I started crying and said I was just feeling run down, she was worried to death.

Dp apologised and said he knows he needs to do more but it never happens.

[Millyblods]

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel in a calm and non confrontational manner. If you want to save the relationship then you maybe both need to air your grievences towards each other. He is fed up of you and you are fed up of him.

[onemorerose]

I feel for you. I think a lot of the issues arise from you being tired and him not pulling his weight. It breeds resentment when you are doing most of the work, he lies about silly things. All of this is could be why you don't fancy him right now. You are probably losing respect for him?

[Guylianlover]

I don't respect him one - well in a way I do because he works hard , so we can have nice things. Now I sound really ungreatful.

[onemorerose]

When you lose respect I think a lot of the lust goes as well. You may appreciate he works hard and does he buy you a lot of gift or things for the children, or the house?

[LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName]

Do you only normally not have arguments because you let these slide/do it yourself ?

[HowContraryMary]

he works hard so we can have nice things

I never thought I would say this, but seeing as that line implies there are not financial worries, dare I say "Get a cleaner" because you are not coping as a family.

How old is DD2? Are the sleep issues a recent thing?

[Guylianlover]

He does buy me gifts, he bought me some lovely MD ones. Dd2 is ten months . The sleep issues are recent due to dd2 being ill and me letting her get in my bed.

Can't afford a cleaner, I dont mnd the cleaning - it's clearing up the mindless mess he makes.

He has just come home this morning to get his work gear. I should have stopped him like he stopped dd1 last night.

[monkeymamma]

I think you are mainly tired and overwrought. Yes your dp sounds a bit lazy and rubbish at certain things but you have said he is loving and respectful in other ways. To play devils advocate if he is at work all week he probably does need a little chill out time himself at the weekend. Is your weekend work a necessity? Could you structure things better so dp is not at home letting dd2 make a mess while you're out? Eg some children's centres do a dads session Saturday mornings, or there're soft play, or you could set up alternate play dates with another dad whose wife maybe needs a break etc. just to get them out of the house. I also get frustrated with my dp because if he's home with ds he doesn't wash up or tidy like I would. But because I'm home with ds in the week it's easier for me and I have strategies that allow me to do the work whilst minding ds. Your dp is away all week he's had less practice at these things than you.
I also think you are taking on board too much of your dd1's r'ship dramas. If she is old enough and mature enough to live with her bf then she should have some abilities to organise her own transport/timetable/work wardrobe. Her bf is clearly being unreasonable re her not coming back for her things, it's a bit harsh that your partner is getting the 'blame' for this IMO.
Good luck and I know how hard it is on no sleep, my 2 year old was up all last night screaming :-)