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AIBU?

AIBU to hope my friend might check up on me?

19 replies

AwfulMaureen · 30/03/2014 22:09

I'm having a majorly hard time right now...moving house, downsizing to a much smaller place and things aren't easy at all due to all the paperwork etc being slowed down for various reasons.

Packing and feeling rather sad to leave my home.

Best friend of 20 years hasn't even texted me this week to ask how I'm doing. She has a son with Autism...a small son...AIBU to think that she might think of me or should I just accept that she has bigger worries and due to that, she'll never really be supportive?

I texted her a week and a half or so ago and said that I was a bit stressed with it all and she responded "I'm always stressed...I never have a day without it."

Which is true I suppose...I know that having a child with Autism is a very tough thing...she's always worried and I've supported her over the last year through illness and her son's diagnoses....and she's not bothered.

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zeezeek · 30/03/2014 22:12

YANBU. Yes, some people have shit lives, but that doesn't mean that they can't show support to their friends who are going through a hard time.

AwfulMaureen · 30/03/2014 22:15

I don't expect her to be there all the time...I know she's busy but all I want is one text to show she's thought of me. She's there putting daft photos on FB all week and not one text apart from that one to say how she is always stressed.

We have a good relationship generally...it's give and take....we usually call one another every few days and meet up about once a week. But as soon as I have a hard time, I'm dumped.

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LuisSuarezTeeth · 30/03/2014 22:16

Everyone's head is in a different place in terms of priorities. Sounds like you could do with a good friend though - it's a shame she can't return the support. Do you have any other friends who might help?

Topaz25 · 30/03/2014 22:18

She could have sent a text but I probably wouldn't bother someone if I knew they were busy moving and might not have realised a text was expected. OTOH her response to you saying you were stressed was rude, so it sounds like the issues with your friendship go deeper than this and she is generally unsupportive.

AwfulMaureen · 30/03/2014 22:19

I just realised that the last time she initiated contact was to ask me if I could chat...the "chat" consisted of her tirade against her DP. That was all...she's very self centred but do you think she has a right to be? Considering the terrible year she's had?

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LuisSuarezTeeth · 30/03/2014 22:23

No-one has a right to be self-centred. Friendship is give and take - you know that really. Don't think anyone has any "right" to be more or less considerate. I know it hurts though.

Mrswellyboot · 30/03/2014 22:24

This is tricky, she does have it hard.

However- friendship is a two way street, I would be pleasant and polite but widen the net a little.

I have had my eyes opened this year to energy drainers and non reciprocal friends.

AwfulMaureen · 30/03/2014 22:25

Should I tell her how I feel? She is very forthright. I could wait a few days, see if she gets in touch...we're very close normally. I just feel dumped...or like it's always me doing the hand holding.

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Mrswellyboot · 30/03/2014 22:27

I would stay quiet for a while and when she does make contact, let her know you were a bit hurt

I have a feeling she will say that she has it a lot harder blah, blah

zeezeek · 30/03/2014 22:28

If she had been a good friend in the past, then maybe it is because of her terrible year. I can think of at least two periods in my own life when I've probably been a terrible friend: when my then partner killed himself and when I had cancer. All I could deal with were my own problems.

Give her time, see how it goes, but don't rely on her for support.

AnnieMaybe · 30/03/2014 22:28

You have been best friends for 20 years. Why not call her and have a natter rather than communicating by text

Has she been supportive in the past?

I know moving house is stressful but I wouldn't necessarily think my friend would be expecting me to show support during it . But then I'd be phoning rather than texting

AwfulMaureen · 30/03/2014 22:42

Annie we do talk on the phone! We always text first though as we both have DC and work.

As for moving house not being that stressful...I've omitted some info here as it's personal but this is a VERY stressful time for me and she knows it.

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MomOfTwoGirls2 · 30/03/2014 22:57

Her life is very full in at the moment. She probably doesn't have headspace to recognise your stress if she is struggling herself.

Totally unrelated, but I say this as a cancer patient. I found when juggling a big problem of my own (cancer), I was very slow to cop on to problems faced by my friends or family. i.e. To really mentally register emotional impact to others caused by various events.

Don't take it personally.

I wish you the very best of luck in your move.
I truly believe that when one door shuts another will open. And things happen for a reason, so even though circumstances may feel like shit just now, often good things can come from it. So stay strong!

Finally, call her and talk rather than text.
It is too easy to fire off a response to a text without really thinking about what is going in.

AwfulMaureen · 30/03/2014 23:11

Momof2 that's very kind of you...to give me such nice words. I do feel a bit all over the place...we've been here for years. But it's time to move on and that's life. I just wish she'd think...she's ok more or less now...I know her son causes her a lot of anxiety but he's doing very well at the moment.

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LuisSuarezTeeth · 30/03/2014 23:16

Better to talk to her than let it fester - you'll just get more wound up waiting. Sounds like you could do without that at the moment.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 30/03/2014 23:40

To think. You know, that may be the problem. After going through a lot of stress herself, she might not be thinking of others out of habit. I know that is me at the moment, even though worse is behind me (just finished chemo).

Topaz25 · 31/03/2014 00:48

She has a right to rant and ask for support sometimes but it should be a two way street.

MidniteScribbler · 31/03/2014 01:55

Some people like competitive misery. I cut contact with a 'friend' because of it. She was always sicker, broker, busier or more hard done by than everyone else. It's very wearing after a while. She's not a good friend to you.

MexicanSpringtime · 31/03/2014 04:12

Well I feel sorry for your friend, when one is so absorbed in one's own troubles that you can't see other people's that is an unhealthy place to be. Don't take it personally.
I have a very dear friend who suffers prolonged bouts of depression and when that is happening, my whole world could collapse and she would not be interested, just bring the subject back to herself. But when she is not depressed she is an excellent and
very attentive friend.

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