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AIBU to feel sick at the idea of wedding dress shopping for my DN?

(110 Posts)
monkeynuts123 Sun 30-Mar-14 19:16:53

My niece is getting married and wants me to help her shop for her wedding dress. 10 years ago my sister, her mother, tried her very best to ruin my wedding day and the lead up to it, including wedding dress shopping. I just feel sick at the idea of sharing in my nieces joy when my joy was practically destroyed by her family and she also did a few cruel things to me over my wedding. My relationship with her mother, my sister is strained to say the least and practically no contact. AIBU to not want to suddenly put the past behind me with no apologies from either of them and start trotting about happily looking at wedding dresses?

ICanSeeTheSun Sun 30-Mar-14 19:18:44

How old was your DN when you got married

Roseformeplease Sun 30-Mar-14 19:18:47

I can see why you are upset but I think this sounds like an attempt to build bridges. Also, you can't blame her for her mum's behaviour. Will her Mum be there too?

DidoTheDodo Sun 30-Mar-14 19:19:22

Don't go. You won't make either of you happy if you do. Wouldn't her mother want to go with her anyway?

Patilla Sun 30-Mar-14 19:23:09

Was it just your sister or the niece as well? How old was the niece at the time? Young enough to be following her mother's example?

If so then maybe a quiet chat with her might help you to move on.

After all, not forgiving someone can often cause you more hurt than the person who hurt you.

That said, it's ultimately your decision but it might be a good chance to at least get things out in the open, at least with your neice?

MultipleMama Sun 30-Mar-14 19:23:41

Your niece is not her mum, you shouldn't punish her for your sister's silly behaviour. If you really don't want to then be honest with your niece or just politely decline. Have you a relationship with your niece? How would you feel if you were in your nieces shoes?

YABU, somewhat. IMO.

phantomnamechanger Sun 30-Mar-14 19:28:42

I'm not clear how old the niece was at the time of your wedding, whether she knows about the past history with you and her mum, whether she has chosen you over her mum to go dress shopping, or will the mum be there too?

Anyway, unless her mum is likely to be vile to you and ruin her own DDS wedding prep, then I would accept it as a lovely genuine gesture from your niece and go, Life is too short to hold grudges, no matter how wronged we have been. And it sounds like the nastiness was nothing to do with DN anyway, so why blame her for her mothers wrong doing?

phantomnamechanger Sun 30-Mar-14 19:32:01

I cant imagine going shopping for my wedding dress with anyone other than my mum, which I did. My best friend and sister were bridesmaids and the 3 of us went to sort their dresses and shoes.. How close are you to your niece?

rookiemater Sun 30-Mar-14 19:37:32

Without knowing all the pertinent answers to the questions Phantom has asked it's a little tricky.
However if you don't want to go, I feel you should just be very busy all of a sudden and unable to commit to a date. Tell her you don't want to slow her down and you are delighted that she asked (unless you feel that it's not with good intentions) and you look forward to seeing teh dress.

maras2 Sun 30-Mar-14 19:37:56

Politely decline and ask DN to ask her mum to do the shopping with her. Nothing on God's earth would entice me to ' Wedding Shop ' with anyone .

thebody Sun 30-Mar-14 19:40:34

won't her own mother go with her?

got to say I would punch my sis in her face if she conspired to dress shop with one of my dds without me.

monkeynuts123 Sun 30-Mar-14 19:40:49

My niece was 25 when I got married. I think she imagines me, her and her mum going wedding dress shopping together or at least me and her on our own for a few shops. I love her very much but she took part in some of the things my sister did to ruin my wedding. She was a young 25. We have tried to keep a relationship over the past 10 years but it's not been easy and there have been long gaps between us seeing each other. Suddenly now she wants to clear the air, now she wants something but at the same time I think she genuinely wants us all to move on. We talked about my wedding the other day and I don't think she knew before the extent of my sisters cruelty. My sister has never apologised even though my whole family was appalled by her actions at the time and still are. I feel sick at the idea of sharing in her joy when they did so much to ruin mine and I can't get my day back. Also my sister is a passive aggressive and I know she will be ginning from ear to ear with the satisfaction of me having my nose rubbed in it.

Pumpkinpositive Sun 30-Mar-14 19:42:16

AIBU to not want to suddenly put the past behind me with no apologies from either of them and start trotting about happily looking at wedding dresses

I am totally confused. Why should your niece be apologising to you? Did she do something?

Does she even know about the trouble between you and her mum? Why does she want you to help her shop for a dress?

sighbynight Sun 30-Mar-14 19:45:31

The tone of your posts suggests that there is no way on earth you should consider going dress shopping. It is obviously still very raw for you.

phantomnamechanger Sun 30-Mar-14 19:46:14

whatever happened, it's in the past and I think you should consider moving on. If what had happened was truly awful, you would have cut all ties with them long ago and there would be no pretence of a close relationship with DN. If she feels that you are close enough to be involved in this really special personal time, then maybe this is her way of apology? maybe now she is grown up and getting married herself she is sorry for what happened to you? But its hard to know without knowing what actually happened back then. And how they are generally to you.

scottishmummy Sun 30-Mar-14 19:48:01

You're clearly still aggrieved ours still raw.to protect yourself and niece do not go wedding
Unlikely you'll get resolution you seek and no,you'll not get an apology
So if it's likely to cause strife don't go.or you'll be the bitter wee aunty in corner

MsAspreyDiamonds Sun 30-Mar-14 19:49:47

I had a similar experiece with my in-laws and I completely understand where you are coming from. I excused myself from all the preparations but I did attend the weddings. I wasn't sure I would be able to until the day but I went to support my dh. It was difficult but I am glad I went because it helped me move on eventhoughI haven't forgiven them & I never will. I hope you too can find a way to gain some peace with your memories.

monkeynuts123 Sun 30-Mar-14 19:55:50

Thank you MsAsprey, that's a lovely bit of advice.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 30-Mar-14 19:56:40

"Suddenly now she wants to clear the air, now she wants something but at the same time I think she genuinely wants us all to move on. We talked about my wedding the other day and I don't think she knew before the extent of my sisters cruelty."

So, your neice was 25 then and is 35 now? Even a young 25 is still 25!. Has she apologised for her part in your hurt? Has she acknowledged that what happened then was wrong?

I would be deeply suspicious of this, even though you have said "I think she genuinely wants us all to move on". Sometimes, people want to move on by sweeping the past under the carpet. I suspect that this is what she might be trying to do. As if you shopping for her dress could somehow make everything all right. And with your sister there too? Fuck me, no! Just no. Absolutely no!

Optimist1 Sun 30-Mar-14 19:58:28

I'd tell my niece that I'm touched to be asked to accompany her on the shopping trip but unfortunately the memory of how your wedding preparations unfolded is still too raw for you to be of much assistance to her. You could offer to do something special for her (buy a pre-wedding pamper day, pay for her bouquet or similar) if you feel warmly enough towards her.

Are you planning to attend the wedding?

CoffeeTea103 Sun 30-Mar-14 20:05:36

25? This wasn't some young girl influenced by her mother, she was an adult! I don't think you should participate, not because you don't want her to have a nice day, but to put yourself first.

thebody Sun 30-Mar-14 20:07:18

I would decline and just be honest with your neice.

at 25 she would have surely been aware of her mothers behaviour so you won't be telling her anything new.

I expect her mother put her up to this as a way if brushing her bad behaviour under the carpet incase it's remembered at this wedding. she could counter any criticisms by saying that you are over it now and friends.

decline, don't play her game but go to the wedding if you are invited.

monkeynuts123 Sun 30-Mar-14 20:12:33

thebody that is what I think too. My sister is all about appearances and is a vicious bully and a charmer in equal measure and she would hate the new husband's family to sniff any of this out. I think I will decline and say I am still too hurt but I will come to the wedding and wish them well. I still don't know how I will even manage that but I have a year to get my head around it, or of course I could always be ill on the day..... I'm dreading her asking can my kids be bridesmaids etc.

LucilleBluth Sun 30-Mar-14 20:16:56

Could you give some examples of your sisters behaviour. I'm really not sure what I think.

Tinkerball Sun 30-Mar-14 20:18:59

Why haven't you ever discussed what happened, I'm curious as to what they did to!

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