To not be sure who is unreasonable here?(31 Posts)
If anyone? Basically friend's ex has been messaging him for the past week saying (essentially) 'what are you going to get for me from our son for Mother's Day and when are you going to give it to me?'. She was also telling him about the Mother's Day stuff (card & present) she had got for his pregnant sister?
She is in a new relationship and the new guy lives with df's ex and their son so will be seeing him on Mother's Day, whereas df is working so won't see her. He is of the opinion that since she is in a new relationship her new man should be getting the card/present etc for her for Mother's Day. Not sure who I agree with? My ex is in a new relationship so I'm assuming he will be getting her Mother's Day stuff but hasn't got me anything?
Aibu to wonder who is 'right'?
Any cards or presents should come from the child itself
If the child is too young at the moment, she has a few more years to wait.
He is 5 so still young and not really able to go and get stuff from himself :D
Tbh I find that attitude a bit grabby and annoying regardless of who is 'right', you shouldn't ask for presents nor expect them!
I think he did make a card at school but she's still been messaging him asking what he is getting her :/
Yeah I think I agree with worra
My dp has got me a card and present from our 5 month old dd which was very sweet of him, but I certainly wouldn't have expected it, and he's done it as more of a "thank you for being a good mother to our dd" rather than a happy Mother's Day from our dd iyswim.
Eventually she will be old enough to choose the present and card herself (and daddy pay!!). Until then, I'm really not bothered!
Imo the parents.of the children should take them out if they are too young to go out alone (assuming they are old enough to ask)
Unfortunately* for me, my ex thinks its the job of the new partner, which I don't have, so when dcs ask him if they can go to the shop, he said no. (of course he gets double as I take the dc out when they ask and buy him stuff. and his gf buys stuff from the dc)
* said tongue in cheek. I don't mind really.
I think the little boy should be able to chose a cheap gift, that's the norm.
Joules I think she is expecting a 'proper' gift, not even just a small token gift!
And possibly a parade :D
My youngest is three and I got a card he'd made at nursery and a little plant
he'd helpfully tipped the soil out on the bedroom carpet
When my oldest was a baby DH bought a gift "from DS" but that's the sort of thing you lose out on when you split, surely??
Expecting your ex to buy you mother's day gifts is odd, demanding them is grabby.
But the 5yr old doesn't have to go anywhere to make a card.
I'm sure there'll be crayons and paper in the house.
Does he see the boy? Would it be possible to take him to poundland/boots to choose a token gift - in the interest of respecting her as a mother to his son (albeit a grabby one!). At 5 my DS would want to give a surprise gift, but obv not have means of getting it.... new partner may not want to take on a "dad" role if dad is clearly on scene.
Bad form to ask, but give benefit of doubt that their son wants to choose something and dad is the traditional buyer of child gifts.
When DSD was young I'd take her out to buy a gift (birthday / Xmas / father's day) for her dad (my dp). Her mum's partner (her stepdad) would do the same for her mum's gifts.
I would never expect dh's ex wife or her partner to pay for anything for her ex, we'd be mortified!
He does jenny, he has him every other weekend I think he just doesn't want to get her anything, partly because she's demanding one and partly because he feels that since her new partner is living with them he has kind of taken over the day to day 'dad' role and therefore it's up to him to get her a present :/
I think the bio Dad should get him a card and bunch of flowers, but could have been handed over earlier in the week
The child's father should sort out the gift and card.
Your friend sounds like a tight arse.
Does he actually want the new boyfriend to take on his role as father or something?
I know my ex would feel a bit put out if DH sorted out my Mother's Day stuff, because he sees that as his thing to do with his children. Same as I will sort stuff out with my children for Father's Day and don't think any new girlfriend he has has got any business interfering with what my children do for Father's Day.
I don't think he wants the new bf to take over as his dad I think it's just that by the nature of their situation he HAS taken over a lot of the stuff he used to do. For example, he used to take his son to school 2 mornings a week but he lives 15 miles from sons house and school whereas new bf has a car and lives in the same house as his son about a mile from the school so it is a lot quicker and easier for him to take him.
Not to mention that df's ex is always plastering happy family photos all over Facebook and posting statuses about how they are spending time together and bonding, I kind of don't blame him for feeling pushed out and replaced as a father His ex seems to be making it abundantly clear to the world that she would prefer her new bf to be acting as his dad yet gets all stroppy when he doesn't want to spend money buying her a Mother's Day gift?
Well, it is a 'Dad' job. I think he should just bring his DS to a shop and involve him in picking out something like chocs or flowers. And make sure he has a card, probably already made in school. He would be doing it for his DS, not for ex.
Hmm. Does the child want to give her mum something? It's okay saying if a child is not old enough to give a present then the mum has to wait, but how does that make her dd feel? I gave a friend a gift to give to my under 10 dd to give to me one birthday (confusing I know) not to be grabby but so she didn't feel she hadn't been able to give me a present as she was too young and I couldn't rely on anyone else sorting it out. That year I bought her a gift to give to my arse of an ex for the same reason.
Now my dh ensures presents are for me are sorted. Unsurprisingly my dd is expected to buy presents for her father from money I have given her... (He doesn't pay maintenance or pocket money). Despite him having a new partner who I guess could organise gifts (maybe using the aforementioned missing maintenance/pocket money).
It should be the parents who buy the cards and present in this situation imo.
That said my dp's ex has the same thinking as your friend and has refused to get the kids so much as a card for their dad since we got together. This year she has moved in with the other man so dp has refused to get them anything for her as her rule should apply to her now iyswim (have posted in step parent about this)
Sounds like she is just using an excuse to have a go at him.
It would be nice if he helped his son make a card but she is not going to get what she wants with her approach.
If the child is at school, they may have made cards there
I think the child's father should make a gesture. I put together something small for my husband on Father's Day for our dc to give and probably still would if we separated.
My Mum took my DC to the shops, so they could choose a small token present together. In previous years my brother or sister has also done this. If they didn't, I'd probably take mine to the shop and then wait outside for them to choose something (they are 8, 6 & 4).
However, the most precious bits of today for me were the lovely messages my DC had written in their cards made at school, the bowl of chopped up fruit they brought me for breakfast (they know I have fruit for breakfast if we're going out for lunch ) and the couple of hours we spent snuggled up in my bed this morning while I read my book and they watched a DVD.
The card that my ex will send from my dc ( which they will not know about or have seen) which will probably arrive on Wednesday, is actually a bit irritating rather than being a pleasant gesture,as it has nothing to do with my DC or my relationship with them
Exactly balls, I kinda feel she's making a big deal about the present issue when in reality she's still going to have a nice day with her son, she will always be his mum regardless of who gets her son to get her a card?
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