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very upset with my mum

(19 Posts)
shggg245 Sat 29-Mar-14 19:09:18

3 weeks ago my 86 year old Grandma collapsed in the street causing massive bruising to her forehead. I discovered this as she left an answer machine message asking me to take her to the docs, unfortunately I wasn't in so didn't get message until the following day.

Rang my mother who had taken her to GP's but did not go in with her. Grandma reported that it was nothing to worry about which my mother accepted. I questioned this and wanted to establish the cause of the fall i.e. TIA or something nasty, Mother said I was over reacting.

Just rang Mum - she let slip that Grandma has had another blackout. 6 days ago! This time losing consciousness for an unknown time. She's been referred to consultant for tests.

When I said you should've told me - my mum said she didn't want to worry me and she was upset enough without having to cope with me getting upset. I think this is completely outrageous and totally unreasonable.

I am extremely close to my Grandma and spend alot of time with her, taking shopping, hospital appts etc. Am I right to be so annoyed? I'm 43 btw so quite capable of dealing with such news.

Anyway I told my mum that I wad very annoyed and cut the phone call short before I totally lost my rag! So who is being unreasonable?

Delphiniumsblue Sat 29-Mar-14 19:14:13

Neither really, it is easy to see both sides. I should just go and talk to your Grandma.

wheresthelight Sat 29-Mar-14 19:16:52

Maybe your grandma didn't want you to know?!

I would just accepting as your mum trying to protect you and move on. Not everything is a conspiracy

shggg245 Sat 29-Mar-14 19:20:34

Don't think it's a conspiracy just thought it would be normal to tell me. I'm emotionally involved though.

JohnCusacksWife Sat 29-Mar-14 19:25:49

Maybe your Grandma just didn't want any fuss and didn't want anyone to know? That's what my Grandma was like...

rabbitlady Sat 29-Mar-14 19:27:32

your mum might be trying to pretend to herself that it isn't important, and that your gran isn't old and vulnerable.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban Sat 29-Mar-14 19:32:11

Go visit your nan and make sure she carries your phone number with her at all times, write a note in her purse so if she does blackout again someone will know to call you. Make sure her records are up to date as well. Does she need any extra help now like help with washing/dressing/housework it may help her get a bit more back on her feet if she's not pottering about the house all day doing things that don't really need doing (like my nan) once she had learnt that I would the dusting/ironing putting her clothes ready she was much better health wise.

CurlyhairedAssassin Sat 29-Mar-14 19:36:52

Well, I'm with you, OP. I think it's wierd not letting you know.

sooperdooper Sat 29-Mar-14 19:37:30

YABU if you're very close to your grandma she could've told you herself, your mum wasn't to know she hadn't told you and it's not her responsibility to have to pass everything on, as you say you're an adult and can talk to your grandma yourself

shggg245 Sat 29-Mar-14 19:38:16

Rabbit lady I agree my mum is in denial. My granny is fiercely independent which I get and admire. Truth be told she is rapidly deteriorating - she forgot my son's name and is increasingly confused.

It's to be expected and know 86 is a great age but still sad. I'm just upset to feel excluded.

Sirzy Sat 29-Mar-14 19:39:01

If you are that close to your grandma surely she could have told you if she wanted you to know?

shggg245 Sat 29-Mar-14 19:44:00

I keep my mum fully posted every time I see my granny, I expected it to be reciprocated - I see her as often as I can, usually every other week. Anyway thanks for your thoughts.

shggg245 Sat 29-Mar-14 19:47:08

She did not want me to know cos she thinks I have enough on with kids and working without I quote 'worrying about her!'

shggg245 Sat 29-Mar-14 19:47:56

She did not want me to know cos she thinks I have enough on with kids and working without I quote 'worrying about her!'

GarlicMarchHare Sat 29-Mar-14 19:55:41

You might be underestimating pride and fear, in both of them. Your independent Grandma is probably afraid of what this means (I would be!) and also unwilling to lose her 'dignity' by admitting frailty. Your mum will be feeling afraid, protective, and proud as well. If her mother's faltering now, what does this mean for her? Scary stuff, and not really a time for 'expectations' about being kept in the loop.

Perhaps it hasn't quite registered with you yet. Have a bit of a think about the implications for your mum, and maybe show her some sympathy.

capsium Sat 29-Mar-14 20:02:25

Difficult time for all. Not everybody deals with stuff in life in an etiquette text book, perfect, manner. You've got to give each other a break, recriminations will just make it more difficult.

Be kind and ignore stressed out behaviour, reassure your Mum that you want to help where you can.

shggg245 Sat 29-Mar-14 20:06:50

Ok so I'm being too harsh with my Mum. Wish she would tell me things though. We're actually a very close family which is why I found it so odd. Thanks for advice and responses.

ExitPursuedByABear Sat 29-Mar-14 20:11:24

Every other week.


Joysmum Sat 29-Mar-14 20:46:59

Reading your OP reminded me of our situation. FIL had a fall and smashed his face in, no damage to hands so a blackout as he didn't try to save himself.

Turned out to be TIA's causing vascular dementia and we had to fight hard to get a diagnosis.

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