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In laws and money

(17 Posts)
IsChippyMintonExDirectory Sat 29-Mar-14 09:14:01

I'm getting quite sick of how my ILs treat my DH with regard to money.

A bit of back story - when I was pregnant a couple of years ago we lent MIL money. She had about £800 from my DH and then rang one day desperate for cash, and he agreed to give her £500 out the money we were saving for the baby, as it's the only way we could spare so much at that time. She said she'd pay back £50 a month til it was paid off. This will make me sound petty but when his other siblings had babies they got cots, prams, bouncy chairs etc bought for them by her, we got nothing (given she was skint and we didn't need anything but it did irk if I'm honest). Anyway she paid back £50 and we never saw another penny. DH won't raise it with her and our DD could have had that £450 worth of stuff or put in her savings. A couple of months later was Xmas and she spent about £400 in total on SILs teenage kids, which I'm guessing is where the money went.

The other day SIL told me that MIL offered her a ring she was gonna get rid of from an old Bf (worth about £100) to flog, so rather than MIL selling it herself she told SIL "you sell it and buy yourself something nice". I know it's her ring, but I felt when she still owes us so much she should have offered it to DH.

His FIL (who has split from his MIL btw) is just as bad. DHs grandad gave all his grandkids £1000 and we put it towards a bathroom, which FIL helped fit (we paid him for his labour). He was in charge of buying materials, so we gave him all the money, and he only spent £600 of it. At the same time SIL was getting her kitchen done and needed more cash for it, so he used the remaining £400 towards that, promising to give it back to us soon. We've never seen that £400 and had to find the rest ourselves to finish the bathroom. Again, the £1000 was a gift but we expected to use it and not have to find so much of it ourselves.

The other day was the last straw. FIL is helping SIL do her garden and they needed some gravel, DHs friends runs a gravel business so he got them some on "mates rates". He paid his friend himself £180 and was promised to get it back the next day (SIL text to say she had given it to FIL to bring round as she was busy). FIL never came and I got a text from him saying "SIL would bring it at the weekend". No explanation, but this would mean we'd get it back a week after it was promised.

BIL (DHs brother) is also helping with the garden and is being paid for his work (again I'm being petty but DH spent a morning doing free labour in the garden while his brother was getting paid for the same time). Turns out he was skint the day we were meant to get the £180 back, so instead of popping the money round to us, FIL gave him it as an advance (BIL was meant to be paid this weekend) - he didn't ask DH if this was ok, and didn't tell SIL, who didn't realise we'd not been paid back. So we have got the money this weekend that was meant to be for BIL iykwim.

I'm really getting pissed off with it all now, were not skint but not particularly well off, and FIL assumed we could go a week at the end of the month without £180. Were buying a new car and needed that money for that, so had to put it off for a few days. They absolutely take liberties and DH seems almost afraid to confront them about it. If it was my family he'd come down on them like a tonne of bricks.

I don't think it's my place to confront them myself, as much as I want to, but I just want to know if IABU, as DH says I am but I think he has been treated badly by his own family.

foslady Sat 29-Mar-14 09:32:03

Stop being their bank - you are enabling them. Next time they ask the answer is a straight no

OhCobblers Sat 29-Mar-14 09:37:34

It's your money too so yes you should confront them. I would.

Chippednailvarnish Sat 29-Mar-14 09:39:10

Your ILs aren't the problem. Your DH is.

Until he puts you and your DC above his family, I'm afraid you're never going to win.

WooWooOwl Sat 29-Mar-14 09:40:00

That's wound me up just reading it! Of course your DH is being treated badly, but if he practically invites people to scrounge from him then you can't be surprised when they do.

I think you have to have it out with your DH. He is enabling this, and he doesn't have the right to be so generous with money that belongs to your family rather than just him. If he won't man up and stick up for his family by making sure you get back what you are owed, then you would be well within your rights to talk to the freeloading family members directly.

Give your DH the option, but make it clear that ignoring it is not one of his options. Either he sorts it or you do.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 29-Mar-14 09:42:38

You are enabling them but your DH needs to decide whether he lets it go or sits down with them, goes through a repayment plan and stops giving them all this money.

Objection Sat 29-Mar-14 09:42:49

A lot of that sounds like theft tbh. Taking money without permission. YADNBU. Confront them.

MrsBungle Sat 29-Mar-14 09:47:35

Goodness, that's really awful! Stop lending them money altogether. I'd also be telling mil that i want to hundreds of pounds she owes - as you say that could go into savings for your baby or help out with other things. What cheeky feckers! Don't let them get away with it. You need a serious talk with your dh.

AMillionNameChangesLater Sat 29-Mar-14 09:53:38

I'd be getting involved if it were me. Say something

iamsoannoyed Sat 29-Mar-14 09:57:05

I think your DH needs to stop lending them money. It's not just his money, it's your households money, so you both get a say in how it's spent. If you don't stop, your DH's family will continue to take the proverbial and expect you to cough up. Put a stop to it now. If DH won't then you have to have a serious chat about how your finances are going to be managed.

He also needs to stop doing things for free while other family members get paid. If asked to pay for something with the promise they'll pay you later, the answer needs to be "no".

If anyone asks, be quite honest about it.

I'd also be asking FIL for the £400 he owes you and MIL for the money she owes you.

Realitybitesyourbum Sat 29-Mar-14 09:57:06

I don't understand people who mix up money and family, it always ends in tears! I have never lent nor borrowed money from my parents or in laws-hence we never have these problems!

SweetPenelope Sat 29-Mar-14 09:58:05

You're being too polite. I would remind them about the money they owe and the "forgotten" repayment plan and I would remind them every time you speak to them. They will be annoyed, but who cares? It's your family's money. People like that rely on people being polite.

Mouthfulofquiz Sat 29-Mar-14 10:37:41

Ask for it all back now and never lend any money again. I think they are bang out of order and taking the piss a bit really!!!!

helenthemadex Sat 29-Mar-14 11:27:51

its a really difficult situation but you are allowing them to take the piss, ask for it back, or if you feel you cant confront them write it down so they can see how much they owe you and as others have said in future just say no!

LongTimeLurking Sat 29-Mar-14 11:38:37

So MIL has had about £1300 pounds and paid back £50? FIL has had £400 bathroom money and now this £180 for gravel?

Your DH needs to grow a pair and put his wife and children ahead of his parents and siblings. They are treating you like mugs and will never pay a penny of it back.

HappyAgainOneDay Sat 29-Mar-14 11:40:58

If your DH cannot say "No" what about training him to say, "Ill think about it." Or "I'll discuss it with Chippy." Having talked to you about it might enable him to come out with a "No " or enable you to do the refusing putting off routine.

pregnantpause Sat 29-Mar-14 11:49:55

Yanbu. But you will be if you let this continue- lend no more- neither a lender nor a borrower be my nan used to say. (although my Dad and I lend one another money often so I don't heed this advice myself- but I get paid back) collect what you're owed, or rather as much as you can, because IMO that moneys never going to be paid in fullsad sad

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