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AIBU to dump him for getting pissed up ?

(28 Posts)
Mintymoomoo Fri 28-Mar-14 20:31:32

Because after 6 weeks sober (or at least to my knowledge sober) he has left work early and gone out tonight and got lashed???

Bit of back story

Had lots of issues with my DP drinking over the last year, always enjoyed a drink but past year it was getting steadily worst!

Back last summer he basically hardly ever went to work and sat in my garden drinking all day when I was working

On holidays he basically drank whole time and would go back to bed for few hours after breakfast then get up at lunch time and start drinking again

Lay on my sofa under a blanket all day hanging on a Saturday/sunday while I either done a 60 mile round trip to pick up his son for day then do nothing with him (I only did this trip for his son, not for him)

On our family hols with kids he sat in caravan drinking whole time while I got up took kids swimming to evening kids entertainment etc (again I done this for the kids so not to spoil there holiday)

Have wine/beer in car to drink when he was feeling hungover/shaky

Those are just a few examples, before Xmas I kicked him out my house and ended it and he promised to change so I gave him another chance! Anyway 5 weeks later I find out I'm pregnant by him, was horrible time he was a total dick, said lots of awful things and wanted me to abort and said if I keep then he wanted nothing to do with baby, anyway I decided to keep and went merrily about me life!

Week later he emails me basically admitting he is a alcoholic and that he has major issues, loves me and wants a relationship and be a father to the baby and has joined AA etc, so prob very stupid of me, hormones etc but I gave him yet another chance and pretty much regretted it since, things have just changed and all the damage he has done/said has turned the relationship sour, I dread him coming here at weekends!

I know I should just end it, but because of the pregnancy and the fact he has been trying I feel bad

Someone kindly kick me up the arse

BerylStreep Fri 28-Mar-14 20:34:28

I think you know the answer.

Sorry.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Fri 28-Mar-14 20:37:54

Walk away and never look back.

One day, sometime in the future, no matter what happens in the meantime - even if life is hard - you will catch yourself remembering this moment and thinking 'Bloody hell, thank GOD I didn't stay with that raging alcoholic, what the hell would our lives be like now.'

OriginofSymmetry Fri 28-Mar-14 20:42:34

He's not ready to stop. Drink is the main relationship in his life - he has a child already and that hasn't stopped him. You and your baby will be no different. He's not a functioning person at the moment. Do not put yourself through this thinking he will change for you. HE'S not ready to stop. Please please do not put you and your baby through this.

Mintymoomoo Fri 28-Mar-14 20:43:39

I know your both right, I'm actually just acting like a big wuss and I know it's only because of the baby I don't actually even like him anymore!

I knew they drinking session was coming has spent the last week telling me how people at AA have told him that the only way he can really see if he has a drink problem is to go and have a few beers and that maybe he has been to hard on himself ect so def testing the water

I just feel like this is his battle not mine and I don't want to be any part of it

puntasticusername Fri 28-Mar-14 20:45:41

I'm so sorry you're in this situation thanks

He wants to try and clean up his act, and that's great, but at the moment it's just words. I think until he can demonstrate some real commitment and show you that he's serious about getting sober, you and the baby are very likely going to be better off without him in your lives.

Mintymoomoo Fri 28-Mar-14 20:47:25

Origin I'm not expecting him to change for us because he won't!

I just wish I hadn't got so sucked into giving him another chad nice last time, I don't want to give him a chance I don't want to be with him anymore, when I think of my future with this baby I just see me, babe and my 3 DC's, every time I think of him in the picture it gets me down

puntasticusername Fri 28-Mar-14 20:48:08

X-post.

I would be VERY surprised if people at AA actually did say that hmm

OriginofSymmetry Fri 28-Mar-14 20:49:19

The thing is, your baby will not benefit from having an alcoholic as a father. He will always always put alcohol before anything else. He's already done that with his son, why would your baby be any different? Because he says so? His words mean nothing and alcoholics will say anything they think you want to hear - it's what he DOES that counts and he has proven that he can't stop drinking at the moment. Be strong. Breaking it off is the right thing to do FOR YOUR BABY!

redexpat Fri 28-Mar-14 20:50:43

In which case I think you should get some legal advice on how you can best protect your child and yourself from him. You know you are doing the right thing.

OurMiracle1106 Fri 28-Mar-14 20:53:22

As with any addiction he has to want to stop. If he's doing it for you or the baby it honestly won't last long. I've been married to an addict. Even now he hasn't stopped drinking and taking drugs.

OriginofSymmetry Fri 28-Mar-14 20:55:26

You are absolutely right, it is his battle. Your mind sounds made up. How are you going to tell him?

Mintymoomoo Fri 28-Mar-14 21:02:31

Puntastic what does x-post mean??

Yeah I wondered the same if people at as meeting would actually say that, I'm not 100% convinced he has even been going as much as he says he has!

His mum is a alcoholic and had been for over 40 years, her drink was out if control before he was born, that's what shocks me the most is he grew up with it so wouldn't that make him want to be different?

Origin - I am just going to turn phone to silent tonight because know the late night pusses up calls will start once pub closes and will just text in morning telling him that it's his battle and life and that he has to do what he wants but that I'm not willing to be part of it x

OriginofSymmetry Fri 28-Mar-14 21:10:09

A lot of alcoholics have grown up with an alcoholic parent.

Good luck, you are doing the right thing.

puntasticusername Fri 28-Mar-14 21:15:03

Op - it just means that you and I were posting at the same time ie if I'd seen what you wrote about what the people at AA allegedly said, I'd have answered it in the post I was writing at the time rather than coming back after and posting it separately.

Good on you, I know it's terribly terribly hard but I think you're doing the right thing. Your first duty is to protect yourself and your baby.

ISWYM about seeing his mother doing the same thing, but I think that sort of thing tends to go one of two ways - either you pull right away from it, or you go the same way yourself. Sounds as if he's choosing the latter right now.

Mintymoomoo Fri 28-Mar-14 21:49:41

I guess I just find it really difficult to understand because I grew up not affected by drink in anyway, I didn't know anyone who drank! I just honestly can't understand why you would if you grew up with a parent who did!

I know that No one can help a alcoholic it's down to them and they are the only one who can do it!

And I know the best thing for me the baby and my DC's is not leave it behind us now

Ilikepancakes Fri 28-Mar-14 22:13:27

YANBU - you've done the right thing for you, the kids and him by ending it. He needs to realise on his own that he wants to stop drinking for himself first. It's not fair on you or the kids to watch until he gets there. And it might help him being alone to focus on getting better.

puntasticusername Fri 28-Mar-14 23:07:14

Op - I can understand your bewilderment, but the thing is that this sort of behaviour is just not rational. It's really not as simple as thinking "Wow, look at my mum pissing her life and health up the wall, I'll definitely not do that then". It SHOULD be that simple, but it's not.

Sorry, this probably sounds horribly condescending. And this is definitely not the best thread on which to admit that I'm not expressing myself all that well as I've had wine smile

I think you've got fundamentally the right attitude - this is his problem, and he must likewise own any solution. You can carry on loving him and letting him know that if he sorts himself out, you will be there for him (if you do want to be). But in the meantime - and particularly while he's seemingly refusing to face up to the full extent of his problem - your only sensible option is to distance yourself and your child from him.

WilsonFrickett Fri 28-Mar-14 23:18:30

Absolutely 100% no-one at AA has advised him to 'test the water' by having a few beers. I'm actually not a fan of AA but I can promise you that 'having a couple of beers' isn't part of the programme.

He hasn't been going to AA. He is lying.

KeatsiePie Sat 29-Mar-14 00:32:12

I really, really do not think anyone at AA would ever say that.

I'm very sorry. As you seem to know I do think you have to write him off for the short term, and tell him that you are doing so. In the long term he may become sober and pull it together and that's great, but if it happens it will take a while.

Can you start making plans to go ahead without him re: plans for the baby re: childcare, etc.? It sounds like you have your own house so that's good.

And change his name on your phone to "DO NOT ANSWER." It will help you to keep your boundaries up if you see that on the screen when he calls at night.

l12ngo Sat 29-Mar-14 00:53:25

There's usually two reasons why people drink a lot. One is because you enjoy the social aspect but in your case, he should be involving you (not all the time but enough for it to be obvious that he likes unwinding with you) and the other is because he has a problem with alcohol. Often it's a mixture of both. It's evident he has a problem but you chasing up after him or trying to justify it is not going to help him and is only really going to be detrimental in the long run to yourself and your kids. It's obvious you (rightly) feel a bit of resentment now and it'll only grow. Your kids will be affected by his behaviour too.

I also can't imagine asking someone to abort (not pro or anti abortion but ffs its completely different for a guy). That's your choice and you should do what you feel is right.

Hope things work out for you but don't settle for a life of crap for you and your kids.

RedFocus Sat 29-Mar-14 07:10:52

Er yes you should and you know you should. Whether you will...who knows!

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 29-Mar-14 07:36:35

He had a dysfunctional childhood, look how he's turned out. Do you want the same for your baby?

Do try and keep up contact with his son though. A good relationship with a half sibling can be some compensation for a crap relationship with a parent.

WeAreDetective Sat 29-Mar-14 07:45:34

Yes, I think you should leave him, precisely for your child.... Rather than stay with him only because of your pregnancy.

To have an alcoholic dad and watch a mum stay with him even though she doesn't even like him any more. sad

I know it is diffiuclt to deal with but I don't think you have any other choice

wonderingsoul Sat 29-Mar-14 07:45:45

this was me about 5 years ago,
as you know he wont change for you or your new baby, let him go.
if a couple of years or so he comes back sober great. but i wouldnt hold your breath.

dont feel bad, you r are allready protecting your children and the baby on the way, you will look back and think thank fuck.

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