Hi,
This is my first ever post to Mumsnet and I'd really appreciate some impartial advice.
After two miscarriages int the past year (both natural, around 5 weeks) I'm now currently 31 weeks pregnant and so far all seems to be healthy. This will be our first child so it's all a very new experience.
However we have a problem in the family as my sister in law (on husband's side) hasn't and can't (for reasons I explained below) acknowledge our pregnancy. Over the past two years she has had many miscarriages and is currently in very early pregnancy after undergoing egg donation treatment.
When we announced we were pregnant she instantly removed us a friends from Facebook and my husband's brother told us couldn't face seeing the baby related updates or spending time with us, which I can totally understand. We aren't particularly close but since them we've had minimal contact - exchanged the odd text about general things - christmas, birthday etc.
When the last miscarriage happened just before Christmas we emailed her to send our love and thoughts. She did reply to say how very broken she felt so we left the door open saying we were always there if they needed us. My husband's brother has sent us the odd email or text since then to see how things are but again we haven't see him either. I don't pretend to understand how they feel but I also know our journey hasn't been smooth either.
My MIL struggles a lot with this and doesn't talk to them at all about the pregnancy. She hides away all the knitting and stuff when they come around etc. I know she feels stuck between a rock and a hard place even though we've told her we totally understand she has to be sensitive to the situation.
So here is what I'm struggling with. All of what's happened makes sense to the rational side of my brain. I can't imagine her pain after such a rough journey and we're so hopeful that this egg donation works out for them. However the emotional, mother to be side of me feels some resentment and frustration that this pregnancy has become the "dirty little secret" on my husband's side of the family. I'd like to think if the situation were reversed I'd manage to summon up at least one "hope all is ok" email to my family. But then I feel bad for thinking this as I'm not in her shoes at all. I also start to feel some resentment that if they have a successful pregnancy (which I really hope they do) that this will be something everyone is allowed to shout about and celebrate, unlike ours. Again, I'm not proud of feeling like this.
My MIL feels all will be ok when our baby arrives in May as who could resent or feel jealous of an actual baby? I'm not so sure it's going to be that smooth. Unless their pregnancy from egg donation works out I can't see how this won't be a difficult situation for some time.
Anyway, I do feel selfish for feeling like this at times, but also know I've got hormones raging through me too. I guess I'm trying to find a way to fix something that isn't in my power to fix.
Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. I suspect I need to suck it up on my end and be a grown up at the end of day. In the grand scheme of things my feelings on this aren't really that important or constructive.
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Advice re: pregnancy and family issues
11 replies
KM99 · 28/03/2014 14:35
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