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T consider stopping dd going on her school trip tomorrow because of her behaviour?

(32 Posts)
moldingsunbeams Thu 27-Mar-14 09:30:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nocomet Thu 27-Mar-14 12:22:11

The best cure for preteen horribleness comes in X parts

1) ignore
2) Short sharp (go to your room now) type responses to what can't be ignored
3) listening (talking) and Hugs
4) as much choice, freedom and grown up responsibility as you dare give them.

4) is hard, but vital. Many schools know this and give Y6's jobs and responsibilities. Many of these jobs are quite fun, they get you out of lessons for 10 minutes or to mess about with the reception DCs.

Home needs to replicate this, fun cooking, choosing a day out, walking to the sweet shop. Being left at home for 30 minutes.

Never just you're old enough to (wash up, tidy your room, do your HW). They know this, but

5) sometimes growing up is scary, they don't want to do SATs, they don't want to go to secondary school. Sometimes they just have to curse you, the world and their bedroom walls.

Buckteethjeff Thu 27-Mar-14 12:05:44

op if it's educational let her go.

I did stop dd1 gong on a trip to Alton towers once, even though I'd paid for it due to bad behaviour. I had to follow through with it. I felt rotten when they went with out her but it as her own fault.

Menolly Thu 27-Mar-14 12:03:17

What is the trip? if its linked to what they are doing at school then YABVU.

I can remember going through a stage of saying my mum was taking my money when i was about 11/12, Mum's response was to stop giving me anything I hadn't earned, so if I wanted food bought with her money, or to use the electricity or hot water then I had to help round the house and earn enough to cover it and if I wanted money for anything else I had to work for it, after a week or so of this and having to weed my grandmothers garden to earn enough for the school disco (including paying Dad petrol money to get there) I agreed that being nice to mum and sharing was much easier than worrying about money and decided to stop the 'my money' thing. (I don't think Mum would have actually let me starve but watching her eat her dinner was enough to worry me, she fed me an hour later)

Stinklebell Thu 27-Mar-14 11:24:38

grin my Mum always says it's a wonder I made it to my 18th. She's being very smug right now wink

It's a tough age for them - hormones, starting high school, DD was very anxious this time last year when we got her high school allocation through and the realisation hit her that her last term at primary school was rapidly approaching, issues with friends, she worried about SATs, she's finding all the changes to her body quite hard to deal with - she's growing up and she doesn't like it.

It all seems to come at once -we used to have middle schools here which I much prefer as it seemed to make it all a little bit easier and gentler to for them.

I understand all that, I really do. I'm still not going to be called an idiot or screamed at to shut up, she's not allowed to take it out on her younger sister and generally behave appallingly. There are boundaries and punishments along with the hugs, chocolate and chats

There were times I wasn't sure we would get to ds3's 17th birthday, without him ending up under the patio - but the odds look good now (it's the end of April, so not long to go).

Stinklebell Thu 27-Mar-14 11:09:26

Yes, I agree with SDTG as well.

I have a 12 year old DD. I do understand, I am there with hugs and chats, I do remember what it was like. I pick my battles and dole out hugs. We talk, I reassure her, but it's not carte blanche to behave appallingly.

It can be awful, one minute we're laughing at a silly video on youtube, the next she's a rude yelling banshee.

I'm not prepared to put up with being screamed at to shut up and a door slammed in my face, it's unacceptable behaviour

I am understanding, I stay calm, I don't shout or get drawn into yelling matches, but at the same time there are sanctions and boundaries.

I've put a comfy chair in the spare room with a pile of books, where she can go and chill out. She's getting better at recognising when she's going to blow a gasket and takes herself off up there.

She usually comes and finds me after and apologises and we have a big cuddle

I wouldn't cancel the school trip tomorrow as it's school-related but I do confiscate tablets and mobile phones, ground her, etc (although I'm not entirely sure who's being punished most when she's grounded grin.

It's tough, for her and us, I'm doing my best to help her, but I'm not going to be her emotional punch bag for the next few years either

CeliaFate Thu 27-Mar-14 10:51:57

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I totally agree. Be understanding, but don't let it excuse her awful behaviour.
We all feel like telling the world to fuck off at times, but we need someone to reign us in when our behaviour is unreasonable.

Stripytop Thu 27-Mar-14 10:37:14

Agree with you about boundaries genius. Boundaries definitely need to be in place too.

To those of you who are saying, basically, lots of hugs and cuddles, ask her what's wrong, don't be cross or punish her - I would say it isn't an either/or situation.

I went through this with ds3. There was a bit of it with the older two, but they were nothing like as bad as he was - the attitude, the rudeness, the laziness, stealing money from my purse, the names he called me - it was dreadful.

I did appreciate that he was going through puberty, and that the hormonal changes and the changes in his brain were producing a shit-storm of emotions in his body at exactly the same time as his brain was losing the ability to process these and to respond appropriately, and I was understanding - to a degree.

However, I also made it damn clear that there were consequences for his behaviour, and I was not going to let him get away with his bad behaviour.

We did our best to maintain clear boundaries, and to do so firmly and consistently, but as lovingly and empathetically as we could (it isn't easy to be really loving at the point where your son is calling you a fat cunt). I used to do my best to stay calm, not shout back, and would tell him that I loved him but hated his attitude and rudeness.

In the specific instance in the OP, I wouldn't arbitrarily remove a school trip with no prior warning - I would warn the lass now that she is on her last chance - one step more out of line, and there will be no £20 treat.

I will also say - ds3 is now nearly 17, and over the past year or 18 months, I have noticed a huge improvement. He is far more self-motivated with his school work - I think the year of his Standard Grades (Scottish equivalent to GCSEs) shocked him into action there - and he is far, far better at controlling his temper. It flares up sometimes, but even then, it is never anywhere near as bad as it used to be. He's not perfect, but I can see that he has come through the terrible teenage years, and is emerging into being a pretty nice human being. So there is hope.

moldingsunbeams Thu 27-Mar-14 10:21:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMooMoo Thu 27-Mar-14 10:20:09

op has your daughter started her periods yet? girls can get very emotional and moody for a few months before hand.

moldingsunbeams Thu 27-Mar-14 10:17:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stripytop Thu 27-Mar-14 10:16:44

Good advice from shewhowines.

I'm going through this with my 10 yr old, without the added complication of poor health. This approach is really working for me.

Good luck op with this, and with your upcoming tests, hope all is well for you.

moldingsunbeams Thu 27-Mar-14 10:12:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shewhowines Thu 27-Mar-14 10:08:49

I think she may be picking up on your understandable anxiety, about your medical troubles. She may be imagining all sorts. Be honest with her, and reassure her that you will be keeping her informed in the future. If it is only you looking after her, the fear of you being ill and potentially leaving her, will be magnified.

Don't punish with the school trip - that's school related - unless it is just an excuse for a jolly.

You have both got into a negative pattern of relating to each other. Nothing will change unless you step back from it all, and make changes. I had to do that once. Sometimes you are so embroiled in it all, you can't see the wood for the trees.

Start love bombing her. Keep hugging her and touching her and telling her you love her unconditionally, even if she shrugs you off. Fake it till you make it, if you are angry and don't feel too affectionate. Praise her and give treats when she is good. Just concentrate on one or two things you really need to change in her behaviour and be consistent with the consequences. She may say she doesn't care - but she does.

The lying is the most important. Tell her you need to trust what she says or does, just as she needs to be able to trust you. Punish more for the lying rather than the actual deed.

You can change this round. She won't change unless you force the changes.

RedFocus Thu 27-Mar-14 10:05:50

I feel sorry for your daughter tbh. Even if it is just her hormones then the poor girl needs hugs not a mother who clearly doesn't remember what it was like to get that influx of hormones.
My daughter is 12 and has had the first influx and all I did was hand out cuddles and chats (lots of chocolate) and she is now over that and we are awaiting the next one.
Also it could be a problem elsewhere. She maybe having a hard time at school or perhaps a problem to do with dad and you, who knows unless you try and find out. Good luck op.

DancesinPuddles Thu 27-Mar-14 10:03:37

If you stop her going on the school trip doesn't that mean she'd be at home for the whole day? I'm not sure that would be great for either of you.

Tuhlulah Thu 27-Mar-14 09:56:56

I'm so sorry, OP.

She may have picked up on your feeling unwell, and be worried, and not want you to be unwell, so she treats you as though nothing is wrong, if you see what I mean.

I appreciate you don't want to worry her, but could you explain that you are feeling really unwell and need her help?

Chippednailvarnish Thu 27-Mar-14 09:55:09

Can you let her go but without any spending money?

Stripytop Thu 27-Mar-14 09:52:44

Sorry, you said you were in pain. X

Stripytop Thu 27-Mar-14 09:52:09

Are you in pain? I am wondering if because of your illness you might have less patience and resilience, and she may be picking up on this but not knowing the reason why? Could her behaviour be a reaction to the way you are at the moment?

Could you explain to her what you need now from her, and why you are not yourself?

moldingsunbeams Thu 27-Mar-14 09:45:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tuhlulah Thu 27-Mar-14 09:43:13

I understand why you might feel justified in doing this, but it won't help matters and will make them worse in the short term.

Can you not sit her down and talk to her, try to get what's at the bottom of it all. Explain that if it continues you will impose sanctions, that you understand it's a difficult time for her, but that you don't feel well and need her to behave better?

If its puberty related, you've got years of this in front of you. Confrontation isn't the way. You might be better trying to establish routines of talking to her, to find out what's the root cause, and being reasonable, because she learns how to respond from you. I am sure she is being vile, but you responding like an angry child won't help - you are her parent.

I am not saying don't punish -but I don't think (fwiw) that you should just impose quite harsh sanctions out of the blue. If you have said, "OK, if you do this again/don't do that again, I will seriously consider stopping you going on school trip,' and then give final warning, then yes, OK. But not out of the blue. She needs to feel stability, not unpredictability.

whatever5 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:42:31

I think that if she has always been very good in the past you perhaps find out if there is anything wrong. Is she in primary school or secondary school?

I wouldn't give her spending money for a treat but I think that it would be too harsh to stop her going on a school trip.

CeliaFate Thu 27-Mar-14 09:41:16

I wouldn't stop her from going on the trip, as it's a school visit.
But I would sit down with her and tell her very firmly that if her attitude continues she will not be going to the school disco, you will cut up her card and she will be grounded until she learns some manners and respect.
You are the parent, take back some control. If you let her behave like this, the next few years will be horrendous.

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