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for not visiting the in-laws?

(35 Posts)
spinnergeologist Thu 27-Mar-14 09:14:59

My little boy is now 10 weeks old. My in laws live around 2 1/2 hours away if the traffic is good, before we had to stop for feeding changing etc. I have been putting off going up to see them as I think the drive is going to be bad (we have been stuck in some monumental traffic jams in the past). There is also the factor that it costs us around £80 in fuel these days even doing eco driving. My husbands contract finishes in a month and I am the main earner normally, so we are already counting pennies in case he can't find something else straight away. To add to this our bb does not sleep in the car and has cried for the whole hours journey to my husbands grans.

On the flip side I feel very guilty for not going as my parents have seen him about once a fortnight, however they make the drive to us. Am I selfish to just want my inlaws to come here for a change and not have to do the drive until he is at least sleeping more than 2 hours a night (so we can do a late night drive) or is more comfortable in the car (working on it)?

MrsAmaretto Thu 27-Mar-14 09:18:42

YANBU. I made a rule with my 2nd that we were only driving to see dh & my granny's with the baby. Everyone else could come to us. We just told relatives that we weren't going to put ourselves through the hell of driving for a couple of hours with a baby & a newborn & we were too knackered to stay awake when driving!

dunsborough Thu 27-Mar-14 09:19:29


I'm surprised they expect this to be honest.

adsy Thu 27-Mar-14 09:20:08

Is there a reason thy don't want to come to yours? Are they also short of money/ can't drive for long?
If they, have you invited them to yours? maybe to stay the night so it's not massive driving in one day.

MommyBird Thu 27-Mar-14 09:20:28

Can't they come to you?
If you get on well can they maybe stop a few nights? Or stay in a b&b?

YuccanLiederHorticulture Thu 27-Mar-14 09:22:29

YANBU. After a disastrous journey at about 12 weeks when a normally-3.5hr journey took us 9 hours with all the feeding and changing stops plus non-stop screaming in between, we issued a decree that we would not do any car journey of longer than 45 minutes until such time as dc was older. We stuck to it and by 18mo we were able to do longer journeys again. Your inlaws can come to you, or they can discover the joys of skype. You need to focus on the needs of your immediate family and let the wider family sort themselves out.

Whatisaweekend Thu 27-Mar-14 09:24:55

Very selfish of them to expect this (unless there is some reason that they cannot come to you - are they infirm? Unable to drive? No car?)

fluffyraggies Thu 27-Mar-14 09:26:57

Same here. ILs 2 hours away. That's allot of car time for a small baby in one day.

DD4 is 8 weeks and we've done no visiting! Everyone has come to us so far and been ok about it.

I forsee trouble next month though. i think MIL is wanting a get together at hers. We cant afford a B&B and wouldn't want to stay over. Not keen on subjecting DD to 4 hours traveling and trying to BF in a house full of people.

maras2 Thu 27-Mar-14 09:30:58

I think that you're very sensible and definitely NBU. Stick to your guns.

Chippednailvarnish Thu 27-Mar-14 09:31:36

Ah yes, this brings back fond memories of my Mil getting angry about me refusing to drive DS from Essex to Cumbria.
She lost the argument when none of the family could be bothered to drive Cumbria to Essex for his christening...

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 27-Mar-14 09:36:23

YANBU. If they want to see the baby, they can come and see it. Two adults in a car coming to you in an unbroken journey, versus you and a screaming baby having to stop to change/feed? It's really no contest.

Is there a reason that they're not doing this already?

spinnergeologist Thu 27-Mar-14 09:37:53

My in-laws can drive and also have a more flexible working arrangement. We offered for them to stay for the whole of half term or any weekends, mid weeks as they prefer. We even bought a new sofa bed to make it more comfortable to stay which my parents have used a few times.

Although they are not as financially sound as they would like they have more spare cash than we do right now.

If we didn't have one very travel sick dog we would go on the train as feeding/changing is less of a issue, although the tickets can still be costly.

My husband has suggested several times that they come to us, even for them to drop in as they travel to see his sister in the south of France and are passing through. We do use Skype so maybe they don't feel the need as I think they might, but I still feel guilty that my mum and dad get cuddles and they don't. I like to keep things equal. I think I might just be overthinking this and worrying when there are other things I should probably spend my energy on like keeping a marganally clean house grin

Chippednailvarnish Thu 27-Mar-14 09:43:38

If they can make it to France, they can make it to you. Stand firm!

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 27-Mar-14 09:45:29

" I like to keep things equal."
OK. But equal does not have to mean everybody gets the same number of cuddles smile. It can also mean they all get access to the same number of cuddles. You've clearly extended the invite and ensured they can come and be comfortable. Seriously, you have done enough - stop feeling guilty!

"My husband has suggested several times that they come to us, even for them to drop in as they travel to see his sister in the south of France and are passing through. "
Is this the real problem? Not the PILs feelings but your husband's? Is he overlooked by his parents in favour of his sister?

MommyBird Thu 27-Mar-14 09:46:43

If they wanted to see the baby, they would come and see him.
You have given them a fair few options.

MommyBird Thu 27-Mar-14 09:46:52

If they wanted to see the baby, they would come and see him.
You have given them a fair few options.

nowahousewife Thu 27-Mar-14 09:48:20

From your second post OP are they actually asking you to come to them or are you just feeling guilty that they are not seeing as much of your DS as your parents are?

fluffyraggies Thu 27-Mar-14 09:53:56

My XMILs excuse for never bothering to come and her see her G.children was that FIL didn't like to travel ... Kent to Northants.

The elephant in the room was that he happily went to Australia for 2 months every year hmm

ENormaSnob Thu 27-Mar-14 09:54:42

Bollocks to 'em.

Accept they are just not that arsed about seeing you all.

Nocomet Thu 27-Mar-14 10:04:59

I'd go, but DHs mum's was 5 hours and my parents and grandparents over 2hrs from where we lived when DD1 was a baby.

As for cost, I cannot work out how you get £80,
Assuming it's a 300 mile round trip, that's £60 at 30 mpg and for my car to be that awful it would have to be stop start the entire way.

I think I got down to 32 mph on our single track lanes the very very bad winter.

(Harry potter studios is 2.5 hrs and 2x140 miles and used 1/2 a tank of diesel, about £36. Ok we got a clear run and my car got close to 50mpg, but £80 still seems too much)

Bunbaker Thu 27-Mar-14 10:07:48

After years of us travelling to see both families, when DD was born we put our foot down and told them that if they wanted to see us they had to come to us.

Fortunately I have a lovely MIL who adores babies, loves being a grandmother and was a massive help to me.

You have already extended the invitation, if your IL's chose not to see their grandchild it is their loss.

BornFreeButinChains Thu 27-Mar-14 10:10:10

Let them come to you, you have even brought a sofa bed!

SizzlesSit Thu 27-Mar-14 10:22:54


We used to go see MIL once a month, for the day, with DS (starting when he was 3 weeks old). It was a 4 hour round trip. DS never slept and screamed the entire time, only stopping to be sick sad

He was then really unsettled the whole time we were there, screamed/threw up all the way back then would have a very bad night as he was overtired/sick etc.

Eventually I put my foot down when he was 7 months old and said MIL must come to us (she didn't want to drive that far as she's elderly and didn't like getting the train in the winter).

The first time she came she commented on how she'd never seen DS so happy. Well duh! He hasn't just spent 2 hours being sick!

We then started a better arrangement of taking it in turns to travel. DS2 is due in May and I'm going to refuse to travel for a while after the birth, especially as it's summer so ok for MIL to travel. I think one person travelling is so much easier than 2 adults + 2 unders 3s, especially as MIL has no baby stuff at hers and we have to cart it all with us. And doubly as we never stay over...

Procrastinating Thu 27-Mar-14 10:32:43


Don't worry about keeping things equal, they are adults and it is up to them.

it sounds to me as if they are not very interested, some GP are just like that.

whiteblossom Thu 27-Mar-14 11:21:52

yanbu- however my inlaws thought we were unreasonable and stated that when their two were young they had to travel to everyone else. ie therefore we should do it. But then they also said we shouldn't have started a family without having a bedroom for them....we lived in a two bed at the time.

stick to your guns. Ive done the travel with a newborn and it was hell.

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