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Mothering sunday, iapbu

(32 Posts)
Mmmbacon Wed 26-Mar-14 23:24:17

I asked dh to speak to his siblings re sunday to see if one of them can spend the day with his mam, as we needed to go to my mams,

His bro is working which is v fair, but his sis has said no, shes not visiting until easter, that was it, ffs she lives 20 mins drive away

My sis is also working and my other sibling has said she isn't traveling this weekend as she came home last weekend and lives well over 2 hours away,

So yet again me and dh have to split, I will go to my mums with dd, and he will go to his with ds,

I am raging, yes I know we are lucky neither of us are working, his mum is only 5 mins away and mine is only an hours drive, yes we are blessed they are both still alive,

But ffs would out be too much to ask that I get to spend the day with my dh and children, we always get stuck with mil duty as neither of his siblings pull their fingers out as we are "only up the road", and my sis could have put off last weeks visit to this weekend, and she doesn't have kids so isn't getting spoilt with breakfast in bed or lunch with the kids,

So yes iapbu, but I feel a bit better after that rant

sooperdooper Wed 26-Mar-14 23:26:59

Do something all together, pick your mum up, all drive to his mums, problem solved

growl3th Wed 26-Mar-14 23:29:46

Can't you visit both together as a family? Visit one and then the other?

Why do you need to split up?

Joules68 Wed 26-Mar-14 23:32:38

They are all doing their own thing.... Do the same! It's ridiculous all this 'mothers day' angst!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Wed 26-Mar-14 23:33:06

Could you not invite both mums to your house? Even if it means driving to pick one or both up, you could still all spend the day together that way.

Other than that, maybe you could start to alternate years between the mums. This year your mum, next year DH's mum etc. etc. etc.

Also, there is no rule saying that you have to visit anyone's mum on the actual day itself! Yes, certainly visit and take a card and gift - but not necessarily on Mothering Sunday. My mum had died, so we only have MIL to consider now - but DH will be visiting after work tomorrow as we are going away this weekend.

winkywinkola Wed 26-Mar-14 23:49:16

God. Just do what you want. Both your mothers will survive with a lovely bunch of flowers and a card. You spend the day with your dh and dcs.

Fwiw I would be mortified if my grown up dcs were forced to do things apart from their spouses and dcs because of holidays like Mothers Day. It's ludicrous.

Mmmbacon Wed 26-Mar-14 23:51:44

Mil is a widow and although is a bit of a tyrant she is quite fragile and expects to spend the day with one of her children and some grand children,

Visiting both is not an option again as mil would get annoyed if we took off an hour after lunch, but we would need to in order to get to my mams and spend an hour our two there before coming home in time for ds to get ready for bed, plus dh would get brunt of no one spending time with me bla bla bla, sister this, brother that,

My mum would prefer to get all her teeth pulled than spend the day with mil, thats a whole other thread, so a big family day out is out of the question,

Dh I know is oblivious, but we might spend next weekend doing something nice,

Musicaltheatremum Wed 26-Mar-14 23:54:40

My mum is off to lanzarote tomorrow so can't see her on Sunday. My daughter is still at college so can't see me. My son is home but he will probably be with his girlfriend. Why does everyone make such a fuss about these things. Surely a phone call will suffice. Mothering Sunday is nothing to do with mothers anyway it is about going back to your mother church for the day. Tell them you don't believe in it.

Mmmbacon Wed 26-Mar-14 23:56:55

winky, I wish we could disengage, and do our own thing, but I actually dont mind going to my mams, I am just annoyed that siblings on both sides have yet again left all plans sitting firmly on our laps

And secretly scared I will end up on the hook for "caring" for mil in her old age as we are only up the road,

wobblyweebles Thu 27-Mar-14 00:07:53

They'll only visit if you don't.

So you could keep on visiting, or you could call their bluff...

justmuddlingalong Thu 27-Mar-14 00:11:08

You know if you don't sort it/do something about it this year, you'll have the same problem next year, don't you?

Shewonthelpherself Thu 27-Mar-14 00:14:31

If you allow your MIL to call the shots now - ie you can't leave to see your mum - you WILL end up caring for her and as someone in that position it isn't a picnic

Caitlin17 Thu 27-Mar-14 00:20:58

What a fuss about nothing. You said

"ffs would out be too much to ask that I get to spend the day with my dh and children,"

There are 52 Sundays in a year, what's the big deal about this one?

Famzilla Thu 27-Mar-14 00:35:52

Your MIL will only stop you leaving after lunch if you let her. So what if she throws a strop? You've been very compromising already. Parents shouldn't lay guilt trips on their children this way, it needs to stop or your family will forever be her punching bag.

SaucyJack Thu 27-Mar-14 00:42:01

YABU. You don't have to play the martyr. Ditch the guilt and do your own thing.

ilovesooty Thu 27-Mar-14 02:00:01

This seems utterly ridiculous to me. Just to what you want to do with your family on the day. Your husband is "oblivious" because he has seemingly a far healthier attitude to all this than you do. What's thepoint of sseeing yourself into knots over a day which is mostly commercialised anyway? Just stop trying to placate everyone while becoming a mass of seething resentment. Do your own thing-the world won't stop turning.

Poppy67 Thu 27-Mar-14 05:48:20

Sorry but just go to your mums with your kids. Stop pandering to your siblings. Clearly they see you as a mug and know you will go.

deakymom Thu 27-Mar-14 06:16:41

ring up mil family tell them you're terribly ill totally contagious and unable to visit explain the same to your mil tell your mom the truth visit her then go out as a family its just one day i doubt my mil will be getting more than a text xx (maybe a card)

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 27-Mar-14 07:01:03

Say to your MIL that you are at your mums this year and don't want to always hog her Mother's Day limelight so thought one of her other kids would like to visit this year. And that you will be alternating each year from now on between hers, your mums and staying at home. Which means next year you will be at home.

Me, I just send flowers. Much easier.

wheresthelight Thu 27-Mar-14 08:06:24

I have this with my family! Although it involves my nan rather than my mum. My aunt goes over every week cos she lives an hour away (mum lives in same town as me and it's 4.5 hours away) and mum never goes down. I go when I can - normally two or three times a year but my sister never goes either. My aunt is going to Canada to see her youngest son amd grandson and so nan will be on her own. I mentioned it to my parents who basically said they have no intention of leaving their own home at Xmas despite going to my sister's most years so it looks like dp and I will be piling the kids in the car to go instead.

Families are crap hun they are only interested when it benefits them ime.

If mil is local to you can you not go to your mum for lunch altogether and then go to mil mid afternoon for tea and cake?

OOAOML Thu 27-Mar-14 08:16:26

This kind of thread makes me relieved that I send my mum a card, I give DH a vague reminder about whether he is getting his mum a card, and apart from receiving made at Guides/Beavers cards that is pretty much it.

Beastofburden Thu 27-Mar-14 08:17:14

I know I am a mother in theory but on Mother's Day I am definitely a daughter and daughter in law. You dont get to be queen for the day until you are the oldest mother in the picture grin.

In your shoes I would suck it up and make the most of your Easter holiday without your MIL. Cash in those brownie points. Though it would help if your mother could be a bit less negative about spending the day with her fellow grandmother. Are you sure she would hate it so much? Our two grannies have more in common these days, and the less diva-ish one gets a lot of quiet pleasure out of being fitter and more independent.

I can see the worry that you will have to care for your MIL alone, but that was always going to happen when you moved in nearby. It doesn't mean hands-on; you can organise nice care. Actually, it is less trouble supervising professional carers from down the road than it is getting panicked phone calls because a carer is off sick, and having to drive 100 miles to sort them out.

whois Thu 27-Mar-14 08:48:32

I know I am a mother in theory but on Mother's Day I am definitely a daughter and daughter in law. You dont get to be queen for the day until you are the oldest mother in the picture

I don't agree. I think it's more important for women with young children to have a nice day with their children than it is for older women with grandchildren or grown up children.

Beastofburden Thu 27-Mar-14 08:59:30

whois I think that is true, but my family life in practice isn't like that, and it sounds as if the OP has the same pattern.

Knowing my luck, by the time I am the oldest mother, the children will take the other view and nobody will bother with me, as it will be all about the younger generation. Luckily I will be used to being neglected grin

eltsihT Thu 27-Mar-14 09:24:49

I am a sahm. I like having a day where my dh and my boys make me a nice lunch a and tidy up afterwards. My mil is invited to join us. But my own mother just gets something in the post (card and a wee present that my brother and I split the cost of) she is always welcome to join us as well but lives further away.

After my Mother's Day trauma this year (which you can read of) this is the pattern we will be following from now on.

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