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Doing thing for my son

(46 Posts)
clio51 Wed 26-Mar-14 15:47:28


I have a son 24, been working a year now after lots of trying.
I live with son and my partner of 13 years.

Whenever I do anything for my son I get an earful from my partner.
He's 24 you shouldn't be doing that for him! Yet I can do it for him and nothing said. He grew up in his words having to do everything himself, nobody gave him anything he saved up for things mum and dad split up when he was 19.

Thing that's caused row this time is private health insurance. Since being together the insurance as come out of the monthly bills, so no son is working he thinks he should pay it himself, son says he's not bothered take him off it, but I'm thinking for the amount it cost £35 month should I pay it? Because the nhs is in a bad state and just say

Another thing is tonight he's going physio(son) and he's asked will I go with him as there's forms to fill in and he's dyslexic and finds it embarrassing if he can't spell it or read what's on the form. So I told partner I'm going to take him tonight and straight away it's what you taking him for, he's old enough to go himself, what you running after him for and on and on. Before that I said you might have to take him because I've taken laxative and if stomach is off! Straight away don't put me forward to take him, he can go himself, which he can but not the first time with the forms to fill.

I'm convinced he won't do anything for anyone, he's dads got altzeimers and his wife (who he doesn't see eye to eye with) ask could he sit with his dad while she had her hair done answer NO she also asked could he come and visit him more than once a week NO he's doing once and that's it!

Is it me, being to caring (or maybe not) and him being a selfish git.

It's got to the point where I can't do anything for my son, without thinking will he go off on one.

Mixed up and peed off

Sirzy Thu 27-Mar-14 08:11:22

I think there is a big difference between always being there for a child - or anyone else - and helping with appointments and things and doing things which stop them being an independent adult such as all their washing and cooking.

candycoatedwaterdrops Thu 27-Mar-14 08:12:23

I agree with above posters that your partner is selfish and sounds jealous of your relationship with your son. It doesn't matter if you're an adult or not, families support each other with things they find difficult.

JeanSeberg Thu 27-Mar-14 08:13:07

I do wash,cook and clean for him

This is the only thing I would suggest you change - get your son to contribute round the house. Just because he's paying keep, doesn't mean you should do everything for him.

You'll be doing him (and his future partner!) a huge favour.

(I'm not even going to comment on your partner wink.)

whois Thu 27-Mar-14 08:39:21

I thought you were going to post about doing your sons washing, bringing him a cup of tea in bed in the morning and cleaning his poo off the toilet!

I think the support you are giving him is pretty reasonable, and a good thing to do. His dyslexia didn't suddenly go away at age 18 although it might be good for him to work on embarrassment levels. Could say to the receptionist 'please can you read this bit of the form to me? I'm dyslexic. Thanks'

Anyway , DP sounds jealous and bitter. Don't let home drive a wedge between you and your son.

Thudercatsrule Thu 27-Mar-14 14:20:15

You sound like a lovely mum, don't your DP stop you being that for your son.

Thudercatsrule Thu 27-Mar-14 14:21:13

..don't let your DP....I meant to say!

WilsonFrickett Thu 27-Mar-14 14:26:04

I think neither of the men in your life are doing very much to make your life easy, tbh.

Your partner sounds like a spiteful arse, but you do baby your son. Not with the hospital appt - that's fair enough, but cooking, cleaning, washing and I bet you do loads more. In fact, I bet you do everything in that house, don't you?

clio51 Thu 27-Mar-14 20:17:41


Thanks to those who support me.

Those who don't , so how does your house work.

The washing DP does at night time, all that gets put in the basket if it's not in it doesn't get done. Bedding gets done when he takes it off.

The food, it's easier/ cheaper for use to all have the same not to mention the gas to cook it.

Cleaning his carpet get hoovered when I Hoover upstairs takes 2 mins.

DP does the bins, dishes,and cleans round kitchen every night, cuts the hedges and grass, main trances the cars, does the shopping most days(I thinking that's only so he can control the money though)

I do think since finishing work, he as become controlling/jealous and only he can do things.
I wouldn't mind but I lived with my son when my ex walked out on us, and did everything on my own garden, decorated, car.

The more he behaves like this, the more angry I get and think WTF am I doing! Then other times it's fine and we get on, have a laugh.
Think it's if I agree it's great, if I don't and have my own opinion and do things I want to he doesn't like it!!

Sirzy Thu 27-Mar-14 20:26:59

Every adult (or even children to an extent) should be helping with the housework.

Is there a reason he can't cook/clean/wash as well as everyone else?

JeanSeberg Thu 27-Mar-14 20:27:52

You've had lots of support on here. Just a few people have also, rightly, pointed out that your son should do his share in the home.

Some suggestions:

- cook a couple of times a week
- wash up
- iron his own stuff
- clean on a rota or as it needs doing
- do maintenance jobs as they arise

figgieroll Thu 27-Mar-14 20:45:19

What does your son do to help around the house? I don't understand what you mean when you say he tips up.

Your son is a working adult and should A) pay a small amount towards bills (which you could always save and give back to him later on in a lump sum) and B) do some jobs round the house. He should cook a weekly meal for everyone, clean the loos once a week, hoover the whole house occasionally, put everyones drying away etc. I always think if my family as a team and everyone pitches in.

What are you teaching him in the long term? He needs to learn a) to integrate a cleaning routine into his life and B) how to actually clean/cook etc. These are both basic life skills and as a parent you should be enabling him to fulfil his potential instead of disempowering him. Yes do cook a meal for him and run the Hoover round his room BUT at the same time he should also be cooking for everyone and running the Hoover round the whole house too.

ThatOtherTime Thu 27-Mar-14 20:49:24

It does sound like your son does very little at home. He should be doing things for you and your partner.

You DP sounds childish too.

figgieroll Thu 27-Mar-14 20:51:20

My house often works like this - although sometimes we swap tolls.

I cook, youngest lays table, middle child loads dishwasher after eating, eldest two do the pans by hand/unload dishwasher. DH cleans the surfaces and floors.

DH puts a wash on, I hang it out, kids sort through it once dry.

figgieroll Thu 27-Mar-14 20:55:49

Lastly my brothers never did anything either and their wives disparity of them now. They can't cook even a simple meal, don't see mess/washing up/dirty clothes and have the full expectation that someone else will do it all for them.

WilsonFrickett Thu 27-Mar-14 21:55:02

I don't think anyone has been unsupportive op. but i suspect you want us all to say 'boo, big bad DP, you keep on doing what you're doing' - but actually, it seems that your DP is partly in the right. And at least pulling his weight around the house.

I think your DP is controlling, but that doesnt mean he's wrong, even if it isn't coming from a good place.

If I was into cod-Internet psychology I would suggest that in an attempt to wrest control back from your DP, you've frozen you and DS into the relationship you had when he was little. You do everything, everything is safe. Now, unlike DP I do think you are coming from a good place - but it doesn't mean it's healthy either. Lucky I don't do cod-Internet psychology...

clio51 Thu 27-Mar-14 23:48:34

The difference is DP and myself have retired early. So doing these things gives us something to do with our day(sometimes if nothing planned)

DS on the other hand is up at 6am, rides his pedal bike to work doesn't and doesn't get in till 5ish m-f.
So if you and yours was at home all day, would you expect your son/daughter to come in and make the tea when they have been out since 6am??

He tips up means he pays board.

He does make is own food at weekend, not things I or DP would eat pizza,pot noodle, burgers.

NMFP Fri 28-Mar-14 07:06:12

His attitude to his dad with Alzheimer's would worry me.

I'm guessing he doesn't like helping in his own family so he feels both shamed and jealous by seeing you and your son having a helpful and supportive relationship.

BarbarianMum Fri 28-Mar-14 07:18:26

So, all the years your ds was unemployed he pulled his weight around the house but now he's working he's stopped. Is that right?
Or have you always done it all?
Most adults work and cook/clean. It's called life. Your dp doesn't sound very nice but watching an afult wait hand on another can be galling.

BarbarianMum Fri 28-Mar-14 07:22:34

So, all the years your ds was unemployed he pulled his weight around the house but now he's working he's stopped. Is that right?
Or have you always done it all?
Most adults work and cook/clean. It's called life. Your dp doesn't sound very nice but watching an afult wait hand on another can be galling.

JeanSeberg Fri 28-Mar-14 07:28:36

His attitude to his dad with Alzheimer's would worry me

That saddened me too NMFP. His dad's partner has asked for a little bit of support and he's refused. It's so stressful and full-on caring for someone with Alzheimer's (understatement of the day on MN).

WilsonFrickett Fri 28-Mar-14 09:44:33

So if you and yours was at home all day, would you expect your son/daughter to come in and make the tea when they have been out since 6am

Yes, I would expect them to take a turn in making a meal at least once, preferably twice a week, depending what else was going on. Ditto cleaning/washing - of course I wouldn't have everyone doing their own, but the work should be split equally imo.

If I was at home all day I wouldn't see that as an opportunity to cook and clean, I'd see that as an opportunity to have fun!

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