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Doing thing for my son

(46 Posts)
clio51 Wed 26-Mar-14 15:47:28


I have a son 24, been working a year now after lots of trying.
I live with son and my partner of 13 years.

Whenever I do anything for my son I get an earful from my partner.
He's 24 you shouldn't be doing that for him! Yet I can do it for him and nothing said. He grew up in his words having to do everything himself, nobody gave him anything he saved up for things mum and dad split up when he was 19.

Thing that's caused row this time is private health insurance. Since being together the insurance as come out of the monthly bills, so no son is working he thinks he should pay it himself, son says he's not bothered take him off it, but I'm thinking for the amount it cost £35 month should I pay it? Because the nhs is in a bad state and just say

Another thing is tonight he's going physio(son) and he's asked will I go with him as there's forms to fill in and he's dyslexic and finds it embarrassing if he can't spell it or read what's on the form. So I told partner I'm going to take him tonight and straight away it's what you taking him for, he's old enough to go himself, what you running after him for and on and on. Before that I said you might have to take him because I've taken laxative and if stomach is off! Straight away don't put me forward to take him, he can go himself, which he can but not the first time with the forms to fill.

I'm convinced he won't do anything for anyone, he's dads got altzeimers and his wife (who he doesn't see eye to eye with) ask could he sit with his dad while she had her hair done answer NO she also asked could he come and visit him more than once a week NO he's doing once and that's it!

Is it me, being to caring (or maybe not) and him being a selfish git.

It's got to the point where I can't do anything for my son, without thinking will he go off on one.

Mixed up and peed off

whomadeyougod Wed 26-Mar-14 15:53:16

hes sounds jealous of your son , and seems selfish as well , dont let him ruin your relationship with your son .

JeanSeberg Wed 26-Mar-14 15:57:07

I don't blame you at all. I'll continue to support my sons whenever they need it for as long as they need it. And I'll be blowed if I need to justify it to anyone.

Does your son live with you?

I'm sure you're proud that you have such a good relationship with him. As long as he is paying his way, is grateful and thanks you for your support, where's the problem?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Wed 26-Mar-14 15:57:58

I agree about the private health insurance, if your partner doesn't want to pay for your son and your son isn't bothered about having it then just take him off. Nothing wrong with the NHS anyway.

Probably not the done thing to volunteer your husband to take your adult son to physio either. Bad enough you taking him? Does your son drive BTW?


if you husband doesn't want to do stuff for others he doesn't have to really. Just because you do.

I think YABalittleU

Dahlen Wed 26-Mar-14 16:05:22

As I started reading your post, I was prepared to inwardly sigh at yet another mother (because it usually is) running round so much after her adult child that she's basically making incapable of being self-sufficient and condemning his future partner to a life of being treated like a domestic appliance.

That is SO NOT what is going on here.

All the things you mention (perhaps with the exception of the health insurance, which is more of a personal choice thing) are surely things that any decent, caring person would do to help those they care for?

I recently took my BF to a hospital appointment because although he was more than capable of doing it by himself I wanted to support him.

I recently gave a woman I know a lift 100 yards up the road because she struggles to walk very far and had some shopping to carry. She is a neighbour of mine and such behaviour fosters good relationship. One good turn and all that.

Why be horrible when you can be kind? I'm not a people pleaser and I am assertive, but I'm happy to do a good turn when I can.

Your DP sounds like a selfish man, possibly made bitter by a harsh childhood (which just goes to show that not helping others is damaging [wink).

Unless you're also going to tell me that you still do all your DS's washing, ironing and cooking and expecting no contribution to the smooth-running of the household, I'd say your DP is the one being unreasonable here.

Floralnomad Wed 26-Mar-14 16:10:22

If you want to do things for your son ,then carry on ,don't let this man ruin your relationship with your child .

PumpkinPie2013 Wed 26-Mar-14 16:22:31

I don't think it's wrong of you to want to do things for your son at all. It sounds like you have a good relationship which I think is lovely.

Tbh your partner sounds quite selfish! Refusing to sit with his father so his wife can get a haircut shock is just mean especially as this lady cares for his father which can't be easy.

I say carry on doing what you want/can for your son x

thebody Wed 26-Mar-14 17:38:49

I have a 24 year old son and I help him if he needs it. equally he helps me. that's what loving families do.

your partner sounds a jealous twat and personally I would boot his arse out the door.

Pigletin Wed 26-Mar-14 17:44:56

YANBU. And your DP does sound like he is jealous and selfish.

Bifauxnen Wed 26-Mar-14 17:48:40

Sounds like he's chosen the "I've had to suffer so should everyone else" attitude rather than the "I've had to suffer so would like to make others lives easier" attitude. This makes him an arse. Sounds like you have a really good relationship with your son, ignore your partner.

clio51 Wed 26-Mar-14 19:39:10

Thanks guys , I do sometimes think it's jealousy ! Because his mum left him/ younger sisters for another man!

My son doesn't drive! The physio would of been two buses so in the car less than 10 mins.

I do wash,cook and clean for him, but he tips up for it every week in keep.
But I also do all of this for my partner too, so what's the difference.

There's no chance he will come between my son and myself! I brought him up on my own for 10 years before we met.

I can't even go into my sons room without him asking when I come down what we've been talking about, and bloods thicker than water! Errrr

I despair sometimes, by the way my partners 60 this oct so not young and inexperienced in life.

Thanks for the support x

Waltonswatcher1 Wed 26-Mar-14 19:43:06

Your son won't hang around forever , don't push him away because of dp .
It's a treat for kids to be close to parents so relish and enjoy it.

hugoagogo Wed 26-Mar-14 19:53:32

yabu it does sound like you are babying your son

MyBaby1day Thu 27-Mar-14 04:40:24

He sounds selfish and jealous of your Son. You should help your Son, you're doing the right thing but providing your Son is fit he should get a job (if he hasn't already got one?). Don't blame him getting private health insurance either....the NHS is in a dreadful state-agreed!. But yes, think of your Son, not that jealous man!.

wheresthelight Thu 27-Mar-14 04:45:12

Sorry but your dp sounds like a selfish jerk!!! Why are you with him?

He is jealous and spiteful and I would argue bordering on being emotionally abusive

MinesAPintOfTea Thu 27-Mar-14 05:19:11

What does your dp do for you? Sounds like he wouldn't lift a finger to help anyone unless he had to and will hold any help against the person he's helped.

Boaty Thu 27-Mar-14 07:24:07

I get this too! <sigh>

I would just carry on with what you are happy to do OP, encourage your son to gradually do things for himself, he won't always have you to hand.

My DS1 has struggled for a number of years, doesn't live at home and is a father himself. BUT he recently has started to realise himself he is struggling with MH issues, he has also been diagnosed as ASD .. I know he needs more support than his siblings. In the long term support now hopefully will pay dividends later when he is in a better place. His father thinks I shouldn't 'run round after him' and should let him get on with it, he is an adult, should 'sort himself out'....
DH does expect me to make phone calls he could do himself, go to the chemist/doctors to drop off/pick up etc for him but I should do that because I'm his wife.

Boaty Thu 27-Mar-14 07:26:36

In the long term support now hopefully will pay dividends later when he is in a better place

That didn't make sense!!! blush
In the long term, supporting him now,will pay dividends later when he is in a better place.

Birdsgottafly Thu 27-Mar-14 07:39:34

My eldest DD is 27 and the manager of a MH Unit.

She is also very affected by her dyslexia, so I help her with personal paperwork.

She phones me often to spell things.

No-one in our family goes to a hospital appointment on their own, unless they really want to.

Your Partner sounds bitter and jealous.

It's important that you do not allow him to inflict this on to you and the relationships that you have with others.

Whether anyone agrees with him, isn't the point, he isn't respecting your choices.

I have recently become a support to my Neice (and her baby) not even my other children are allowed to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing.

We discuss their feelings but then they are told that what I do, I do out of my need to be caring and supportive.

If I can do something for someone I will, that is my personality.

Birdsgottafly Thu 27-Mar-14 07:43:42

"encourage your son to gradually do things for himself, he won't always have you to hand."

Unless it's my DD's ambition to live in another country, I will always be available.

So in terms of hospital appointments etc, in some families, support will always be to hand.

Society works better that way.

It's one thing if you have been born into a less than caring family, but you don't tell others that they are wrong for creating and maintaining that.

paulapantsdown Thu 27-Mar-14 07:59:32

Your husband sounds horrible. So he expects you to do thoughtful things for him, but not your own son? He refuses to do anything helpful for his pwn step/parents because he doesn't want to? What a selfish arse.

Your, totally normal, loving and supportive relationship with your son gets up his nose because it takes the spotlight off him and his perceived needs.

What will happen with this man when YOU need support and care one day? Will. He not feel like that either?

On another note, I really don't understand the posters on here who think that once your kids are adults you sort of wash your hands of them and let them get on with it. Life is hard, and we all need support from each other, whatever age.

thebody Thu 27-Mar-14 08:04:15

birds absolutely agree totally your post.

Marcipex Thu 27-Mar-14 08:04:50

You partner sounds jealous and controlling, in fact it seems to stick out a mile.

thebody Thu 27-Mar-14 08:06:44

paulapantsdown in my experience the over 18s need you just as much if not more. life is bloody tough and we all need each other. families need to support each other what ever the ages involved.

thebody Thu 27-Mar-14 08:07:39

paula so agree with your post too. meant to add that!

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