AIBU to move to a different continent without DH?(9 Posts)
First AIBU post, I really need some perspective. Sorry its so long, am trying not to dripfeed.
DH and I have been together 10 years, with one DD (4). We moved to France two years back for his job and to be near his family. The move was an all round disaster. I had some health problems which majorly blew up here and I spent a long time in and out of hospitals. I was unable to find a new job, had trouble with learning the language, making new friends. DH's work hours increases exponentially and unexpectedly, so that he would be travelling half the months and working nights regularly, with no prior notice, leaving the childcare absolutely to me, with my health problems this was difficult. His family were no help, they moved to a different city and are fussy when they visit. They also interact with DH mainly by criticising him and he reacts by blowing up or by trying too hard to please, so the atmosphere is always tense around them. My own family were far away, DF and DstepM moved to a different continent (his birthplace), DM has been AWOL forever. This time last year I was contemplating suicide. We had some therapy, couples counselling etc and I'm in a better place mentally and physically.
Now I have unexpectedly been offered a goodish job, in the same place where DF is. DH has no job there though he has promised to try and search for one. So if I take the job I'll go with the kid later this year leaving him here so as not to burn the bridges completely in case the move fails.
In short the positives are: It will restart my career which is non-existent here (I've tried with no success, its a specialized field, also difficult in the UK) which I'm passionate about. I'll get more hired help, family help etc, a strong expat community (here its a small village, a bit closed to incomers), plus general support from DF, DstepM, so I will be able to concentrate more on my career and health both of which are being neglected here. Financially, even factoring in overseas trips, it will be better. Also, the weather there might be much better for my health. This is not a definite but a strong possibility.
The negatives are: DD will miss DH. Here at least here he sees her several days each month, there it will be more like once every 4 months or so. Not sure how harmful this will be if its only a short term thing. Also, I'm not sure of the effect on our marriage. We did a long distance relationship at the initial stages but there was no kid, or stress in the relationship then. DH is being quite supportive but he had been spectacularly non-supportive during my breakdown last year, so I sometimes feel that he is overcompensating now, and will agree to anything if he thinks it would please me. And then my health might not improve after all, so what if after making the move I end up sick and resign and have to come back here anyway?
Given that I had such a bad time here, I'm wondering if I am simply using this move as a means to escape, without thinking through the consequences. I have often visited this country and like it but visiting an exotic place is different from living there. Maybe I'm idealizing? I love DH and want our family together, but if something doesn't change in our current situation we will break up anyway. I can't be neutral about this, so I need you ladies to give me an unbiased viewpoint on whether the move sounds reasonable at least in the short term (1-2 years) or a disaster in the making. Views please?
if you split up now; he could stop you emigrating, (well stop you taking the kids) so if you dont want to be stuck there til the kids have grown up, better to move now with his agreement.
sounds like he would be willing to move with you later?
I think it sounds like a great idea.
To take your points one by one:
Your DH 'over compensating' now is no bad thing, if he's realised he fell short and he's trying to put it right now he has a second opportunity.
Restarting your career is never going to be a bad thing.
If your DD only sees your DH a few days a month then it's not like she's used to seeing him every day.
You'll be better off in terms of help, and also money.
You say your relationship will break up if you stay, so going isn't really risking much, particularly if your DH is going to look for work in your new place, it's not as if the long distance aspect is permanent.
I wouldn't think of the move as short-term, it will stop you enjoying it and prevent you putting down roots. Go for it, it's time to be where's best for you.
Well you moved lock stock to France two years ago to support DH so could he not do the same? Him remaining behind just seems odd when you moved permanently for him?
Yes DH will be trying to move there at least part of the year, so in a years time we could be together anyway if things work out.
I'm just wondering, since I feel so trapped here, maybe I'm just trying to escape. Our counsellor thinks it could work, if that helps.
I would go. It wouldn't occur to me not to. Your current situation sounds awful.
I would be prepared for it to make or break your marriage though.
@KenAdams: Thing is, my move didn't work at all, nearly finished off our marriage, so what if he does the same for me and this time it does end in a complete disaster? Also there are so many scare stories of people moving to a new place lock stock and barrel and losing jobs and going into debt etc. I thought this way we have some insurance against that.
You marriage sounds very close to breaking point right now.
If you move at least you will be where you want to be. How would you feel if your marriage broke up now, and he didn't allow you to take your Dd out of the country? That is a very real possibility.
If you have a job in the new country, and it pays enough to support you, then it is no more risky than taking a job in another town is it?
Does he want to follow you?
Your DD will adapt.
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