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Reception daughter lack of friends

(34 Posts)
DevonLodger Mon 24-Mar-14 16:11:31

I have my daughter's parents meeting tomorrow and would be really grateful to know whether or not I would be unreasonable to bring this up with her class teacher.

Briefly, daughter started at medium sized country primary school in September. There are 28 children in her class. She actually went to a different pre-school than the one attached to the school but I preferred this school for her. She knew no one at the school at all when she started. In the first few weeks she had a few invitations to birthday parties; just three but nothing at all since October. She hasn't been invited to play with any children nor does she ask for other children to come to play with her (she gets the bus to and from school so I don't get an chance to see any parents or children before or after school). She says from time to time that no one likes her and that she plays on her own. She has a birthday coming up and one of the girls in her class has told her that she will be sick on the day of her party. I'm putting off organising it because I don't know who to invite.

She is PFB. So as not to drip feed, I was badly bullied at school and excluded by "friends" for many years leaving quite lasting confidence issues. My daughter is more like her dad. Quiet but confident in herself and seemingly not too worried about lack of friends. I'm sure its more me than her but if anyone has any insight into this and whether and how I should mention it to the teacher please do share.

AngelinaCongleton Mon 24-Mar-14 17:18:51

Don't worry about the bus- it's a glorious thing - independence and perfect for you. Send in the notes and once you have mobile numbers you are off...

ShoeWhore Mon 24-Mar-14 17:20:46

I'd also say some classes at our rural school seem to be much more into big parties than others. And lots of families can only afford to do a massive all class party once. Ds1's class mainly had them in Reception, ds2's in Year 1. Also in ds2's (big) class all the boys he is friendly with either have autumn or spring birthdays so there is a big lull in between. Ds3's class is tiny and there have been very few which is a bit sad for him but secretly a bit of a relief for me

KatnipEvergreen Mon 24-Mar-14 17:22:25

I agree with the comments that they do sometimes play with other children then report otherwise! Definitely having one or two children round for tea helps matters.

StrangerintheNight Mon 24-Mar-14 17:29:40

Hi LadyCybil, sorry for stupid question, but can I ask what you mean by having social skills demonstrated to help kids model their behaviour? Do you mean the parents do this at the playdate or do you invite other children with better social skills?

My son's not really a joiner-in either, and I'd like to try and help him if possible, so have found this thread useful. A link to that book would be great as well.

Sovaysovay Mon 24-Mar-14 17:34:57

My son's the same - I don't even know if he's noticed there are other children in his class. He has no interest in socialising or friends at all. Evaluations are ongoing, but to be honest I'm not sure if all those kids with 'friends' just have parents who arrange a lot of playdates. They're only 4, and he doesn't seem to be the only one wandering around oblivious to the existence of the others.

Being at the school gate is no guarantee. I've been there twice a day, talked to lots of parents, all very smiley and pleasant and nice, and the buggers still openly discuss their plans for their kids' social lives over my head, or openly talk to me about the birthday party they're not inviting my kid too. It's nothing anyone's done wrong, they just seem unwilling to invite a child they're unfamiliar with. The friendship groups seem very much identical to those of the mothers, unaltered since nursery, rather than the children actively choosing new friendships.

HolidayCriminal Mon 24-Mar-14 17:41:46

3 birthday invitations is the normal number ime, in reception. That's when we are at the school gates every day & DC went to the same preschool, and I can name most the children in same yr group & even match a lot of their parents.

I second (third? 19th?) the suggestion that you do a handful of pickups so that you can identify some likely candidates for playdate invites. This probably won't mean any invites back ime, btw, but they are handy for feeling a bit more in touch with her social experience.

Orangeanddemons Mon 24-Mar-14 17:49:55

My dd was like this in reception and Years 1 and 2. In year 2 she got invited to one party in a whole year. She said she often played on her own, and I was constantly up at school trying to get to the bottom of it.

Now she is in Year 3 it has all become clear. It was the parents who we're sorting out all the social stuff. As their parents knew each other out of school, the kids naturally played together in school. Now in Year 3 this seems to have broken down a bit and the children seem to play with who THEY want to. Dd has gone from almost Billy no mates to a mad social whirl since the start of the year.

Hth a bit

LadyCybilCrawley Mon 24-Mar-14 17:58:35

Stranger - what I meant was for the adult to demonstrate behavior - we had to do this for our son because he didn't "get" in - that's why the role play book and practice was so good for him

Example :

Guest boy "hi how are you ladyson?"
Ladyson "umm hi"
Ladyson's dad "guest boy thanks for coming over to play - would you like a drink? Ladyson would you like to ask guest boy if he would like a drink?"

And later

Guest boy "have you got Legos ?"
Ladyson "yes"
Ladyson's dad "Legos are great - why don't we build something together "

DevonLodger Mon 24-Mar-14 18:00:31

Thank you all so much. You have made me feel so much better to hear your stories and experiences. Now you have pointed it out to me it is blindingly obvious that the opportunities for the children originate from the parents and I just don't know the other mums and dads at all. I did do a "family learning" workshop which was every Friday afternoon at the school with some of the other parents and their children but I didn't really make any contacts in that way. Part of it is my own lack of self confidence. I'm also an older mum as I think I've mentioned here before. I need to woman up and get those notes in her book bag and start arranging play dates for her. Maybe I'll also join the PTA!

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