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AIBU about housework chores?

(61 Posts)
Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 14:52:54

Hey everyone.

Dh and I have different opinions on this one and wondered what you thought.

Dh works 30 hours a week. I gave up my job to be a SAHM after dd was diagnosed with autism and needs a lot of help. Plus, we have 2 other children.

Dh thinks he gets to do sod all, seriously, taking his plate or cup to the sink is too much. Don't even get me started on dirty clothes on the floor!

I get I am the sah parent, but he works a 4 day/30 hr a week job and does absolutely sod all while I cook, clean and watch 3 kids, one with autism who takes a lot of time and care.

AIBU to ask he does a small percentage of the housework, say 10-15%? Or a few designated jobs? Ie, empty the bin etc

Cheers in advance x

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 18:03:31

I do all the admin. Banking. School stuff. Pay bills. You name it, I do it x x

NearTheWindymill Mon 24-Mar-14 18:00:30

Umm. My DH works about 14 hours a day and half a day at weekends. I also work full-time but we have older teenagers.

I do most of the house stuff - organising and admin. DH does the bins and the garden and the outside wiping down. I do the food shopping and all cooking and washing/drying, dishwashering, etc. I work about 9 hours a day compared to DH's 14 and I think that's fair.

Nobody in this house, not even the teenagers leave their cups and plates for other people to put in the dishwasher, neither do they leave their dirty clothes on the floor for other people to pick up. They know where the linen basket it.

He needs to get real - my teenagers are more responsible.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 24-Mar-14 17:52:01

Does he expect you to do all the house admin too like bill paying and getting best quotes for insurance etc? Or always being the one who makes sure the kids have what they need at school are in right place with the right kit for clubs? Don't forget to factor those things into a fair distribution of overall workload.

Estrellita Mon 24-Mar-14 17:40:26

Lazy, selfish man. I am at home with just one toddler and though I probably do about 75% of chores my DH is great and incredibly helpful when he's home. He works about 45 hours a week, with no commute. He cooks about 2 nights a week or clears up if I've done the cooking. Bathes the baby, helps put her to bed and gets up at night if needed. Takes the bins out every night, will garden, clean bathrooms, wash the car or DIY at weekends. I do shopping, most cooking, day to day house admin, laundry, dusting, hovering, change beds (and the really obsessive compulsive shit like cleaning the kitchen cabinets and skirting boards). Marriage is happy and sex life is good. I would never in a million years put up with a lazy man. Never. Stop enabling him OP.

PreviousCountryGirlTurnedCityC Mon 24-Mar-14 17:39:53

His attitude is fresh from the 1950s. Did his mother do absolutely everything in his home growing up?

JapaneseMargaret Mon 24-Mar-14 17:34:00

Yes, good point. DS 5 and DD 3 clear their plates from the table and put their clothes in the laundry basket.

He sounds like the worst sort of ineffectual lump of a man. No wonder you no longer fancy him.

Overall, it doesn't sound like much of a relationship for you at all.

MaryWestmacott Mon 24-Mar-14 17:31:25

Also OP, looking at his shift pattern, you could work part time in the mornings, he could do the school run (and some cleaning!) in the mornings. I would highly recommend you get finanical independence from this man, so he can't use the "your job is the children" as his excuse for laziness.

Sirzy Mon 24-Mar-14 17:30:18

DS is 4. He is expected to put his dishes in the kitchen and his washing in the wash basket.

I would use the "if it's not in the basket it's not washed" method that people sometimes use with teens with him. When he has no clean clothes he will soon realise you mean it!

expatinscotland Mon 24-Mar-14 17:29:19

What a lazy arse tosser.

ICanSeeTheSun Mon 24-Mar-14 17:28:26

DS has ASD so I know how hard it is.

DH don't do much housework, but he picks up after himself.

MrsKoala Mon 24-Mar-14 17:26:53

Does he care about the sex life? Or not that bothered? Some people would rather have a wank and not have to wash up!

MaryWestmacott Mon 24-Mar-14 17:26:03

I asked earlier, but OP, was he like this before you had DCs? Did he used to do 50% of the housework when you both worked fulltime (although he doesn't work hours most would consider full time)?

JapaneseMargaret Mon 24-Mar-14 17:23:12

What a surprise!

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 17:21:37

Haha! Sex life is pretty slim. I'm too tired and too irritated at him!!! Karma for you lol!! X

JapaneseMargaret Mon 24-Mar-14 17:19:28

Lazy man.

I work 30 hours, 4 days a week, do all the cooking, all the laundry and most of the housework.

We have two young children.

Out of interest, what's your sex life like? In my experience, treating a partner like a skivvy pretty much kills any sexual desire there might have been.

I assume your husband's OK with that?

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 17:18:32

I'm definately expected to do it. X

MrsKoala Mon 24-Mar-14 17:17:36

For me it depends on the expectation of you to do it. My DH doesn't do chores, but doesn't expect me to either. He's happy to live in filth grin . If however, he started giving me the orders, i'd be telling him to eff off.

RoganJosh Mon 24-Mar-14 17:12:16

I'm a SAHM and the way it works for us is this. I try and do as much housework as I can during the day. Any left over we talk about/share etc.
What never happens is that one person is relaxing while the other is still dotting about doing stuff.

unlucky83 Mon 24-Mar-14 17:10:42

I look at it like this - if you DH was single he would be working the same hours AND doing his own washing, cleaning and cooking - and paying bills etc.
So he should do at least the equivalent to what he would need to do to look after himself if he didn't have children - His children who you are very generously looking after for him, making a sacrifice, with less freedom, independence, personal income ... at the same time as looking after yourself.
With children he couldn't do what he is doing now without you doing what you do...
there is no argument...

magimedi Mon 24-Mar-14 17:09:23

LTB!! grin

I am joking with the above, but he needs to start pulling his weight round the house.

I'd show him this thread & stop doing his washing/cooking etc if he doesn't change his ways.

oscarwilde Mon 24-Mar-14 17:07:31

At an absolute minimum in the scenario above.
He either does bath and bedtimes or makes dinner for the two of you every or alternate nights. Some of this should be batch cooking so it can be used for your children's evening meal.
On one of his three days off, you blitz the house together.
During his working week, you keep the laundry ticking over
He irons his own shirts, or trades it for something you dislike doing. He can iron badly and watch tv at the same time.
You have a half day off every week each. Morning or afternoon depending on your preference.
You have a day together as a family


LTB for a few days at least. Your kids will cope and you will be doing them a favour in the long run.

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 17:06:35

Pretty much, only, his shifts are 12-8 so he misses tea and bath time 3 times a week, and does one 12-6.

His days off are 'his free time'. Whilst I tidy. The best it gets is him watching tv with 1 yr old while I run round trying to catch up.

He mostly watches TV before work because he needs to 'relax' before work. What am I doing? Tidying of course!

After work I understand. Be gets back at 8.15 and no one wants to to anything at that time.


BabyMummy29 Mon 24-Mar-14 17:06:09

My XH was just like this even though I worked full time.

Once in a blue moon he cooked a meal and then thought he deserved a medal for doing so.

Thegreatunslept Mon 24-Mar-14 17:05:44

30 hrs a week is classed as part-time where I work and I work 30hrs dp works 40-50 a week and is at home with ds 2 evenings while I'm at work until 9pm.
I do not come home to dirty dishes or laundry anywhere and dp has usually got bottles and meals prepared for the baby for the next day.
I would do the dusting and hoovering most of the time but even though I am in work less than dp he would never expect me to anything in particular on my days at home with ds. This includes making dinner just because I am at home during the day with ds does not mean I have the time to cook and clean. We both eat, wear our clothes and use the house so both of us do what needs done in the house.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 24-Mar-14 17:05:17

I agree, he only works pt and should do half the housework and pull his weight with the kids, idle sod.

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