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AIBU about housework chores?

(61 Posts)
Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 14:52:54

Hey everyone.

Dh and I have different opinions on this one and wondered what you thought.

Dh works 30 hours a week. I gave up my job to be a SAHM after dd was diagnosed with autism and needs a lot of help. Plus, we have 2 other children.

Dh thinks he gets to do sod all, seriously, taking his plate or cup to the sink is too much. Don't even get me started on dirty clothes on the floor!

I get I am the sah parent, but he works a 4 day/30 hr a week job and does absolutely sod all while I cook, clean and watch 3 kids, one with autism who takes a lot of time and care.

AIBU to ask he does a small percentage of the housework, say 10-15%? Or a few designated jobs? Ie, empty the bin etc

Cheers in advance x

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 24-Mar-14 16:16:29

He should of course put dishes in the sink, clothes in the basket etc but the bulk of general housework should fall to the person home all day.

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 16:17:19

It's all based on the fact I gave up my job therefore he thinks I don't work x

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 24-Mar-14 16:39:45

Given you have a 1 year old all the time and you have a lot on your plate generally I think your DH should be doing half of household chores. Being out of the house at work does not mean you're the only one working hard. To me your DH's life sounds easy and yours sounds hard so maybe he should be doing more than half of chores?

oscarwilde Mon 24-Mar-14 16:42:48

Have you still got one child HappyMummyofOne?

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 16:46:28

So, any ideas on how I approach the subject? I'm often called lazy because I don't always get everything done. I feel far from lazy. But I know he's going to go mad.

He seriously thinks I should do everything. X

fairylightsintheloft Mon 24-Mar-14 16:54:12

The only way he is going to get it is if you stop doing some of it. My ex complained about a similar thing with me. When I left and he had to get in a cleaner and send out his ironing, he got it (too late). The other option is to leave the house for a day so he can appreciate how hard it is to get stuff done. You cant deal in vague terms about doing more, you need to be specific.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 24-Mar-14 16:57:38

If I had a nanny looking after my children in my home I would want her to spend most of the time looking after / playing with the children. I would like her to do light house work such as tidying toys, washing up after kids, possibly put washing machine on. I would not expect her to be cleaning the bathroom or kitchen, ironing or anything heavier. I would expect those bigger jobs to be shared fairly between the adults in the house (or for them to pay a cleaner to do them). I think the same applies to you. It sounds like your DH thinks you should do the full time childcare job that you have plus be a cleaner too. That just isn't fair.

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 16:59:40

You've hit the nail on the head exactly! That's EXACTLY what he expects me to be. A nanny and a cleaner for free!!!! X

oscarwilde Mon 24-Mar-14 17:00:14

Let's assume your husband has a hour long commute to work.
30 hrs over 4 days is 7.5 hours a day plus an hour for lunch.
He leaves home at 8am and returns by 6.30pm. During that time he has three childfree hours to himself on a train/bike/car.
You have two small children plus an 8yo with additional needs. I am guessing that you try to have their evening meal finished by the time he gets in on a good day. He has completely missed the malestrom of the post school treadmill to get food on the table, any homework completed, the carnage of schoolbags on floor and grumpy tired children. He probably arrives in when you have the 1yo in the bath, switches on the TV and collapses into a chair with a pre-dinner snack ignoring a dirty kitchen and the noise from upstairs...he's certainly not venturing up the stairs to take over.

Am I on the money with any of this?

TheCrackFox Mon 24-Mar-14 17:03:05

Could you get a job on the days he isn't working?

Bonsoir Mon 24-Mar-14 17:04:27

Before tackling housework, your (D)H needs to learn to tidy up after himself!

morethanpotatoprints Mon 24-Mar-14 17:05:17

I agree, he only works pt and should do half the housework and pull his weight with the kids, idle sod.

Thegreatunslept Mon 24-Mar-14 17:05:44

30 hrs a week is classed as part-time where I work and I work 30hrs dp works 40-50 a week and is at home with ds 2 evenings while I'm at work until 9pm.
I do not come home to dirty dishes or laundry anywhere and dp has usually got bottles and meals prepared for the baby for the next day.
I would do the dusting and hoovering most of the time but even though I am in work less than dp he would never expect me to anything in particular on my days at home with ds. This includes making dinner just because I am at home during the day with ds does not mean I have the time to cook and clean. We both eat, wear our clothes and use the house so both of us do what needs done in the house.

BabyMummy29 Mon 24-Mar-14 17:06:09

My XH was just like this even though I worked full time.

Once in a blue moon he cooked a meal and then thought he deserved a medal for doing so.

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 17:06:35

Pretty much, only, his shifts are 12-8 so he misses tea and bath time 3 times a week, and does one 12-6.

His days off are 'his free time'. Whilst I tidy. The best it gets is him watching tv with 1 yr old while I run round trying to catch up.

He mostly watches TV before work because he needs to 'relax' before work. What am I doing? Tidying of course!

After work I understand. Be gets back at 8.15 and no one wants to to anything at that time.


oscarwilde Mon 24-Mar-14 17:07:31

At an absolute minimum in the scenario above.
He either does bath and bedtimes or makes dinner for the two of you every or alternate nights. Some of this should be batch cooking so it can be used for your children's evening meal.
On one of his three days off, you blitz the house together.
During his working week, you keep the laundry ticking over
He irons his own shirts, or trades it for something you dislike doing. He can iron badly and watch tv at the same time.
You have a half day off every week each. Morning or afternoon depending on your preference.
You have a day together as a family


LTB for a few days at least. Your kids will cope and you will be doing them a favour in the long run.

magimedi Mon 24-Mar-14 17:09:23

LTB!! grin

I am joking with the above, but he needs to start pulling his weight round the house.

I'd show him this thread & stop doing his washing/cooking etc if he doesn't change his ways.

unlucky83 Mon 24-Mar-14 17:10:42

I look at it like this - if you DH was single he would be working the same hours AND doing his own washing, cleaning and cooking - and paying bills etc.
So he should do at least the equivalent to what he would need to do to look after himself if he didn't have children - His children who you are very generously looking after for him, making a sacrifice, with less freedom, independence, personal income ... at the same time as looking after yourself.
With children he couldn't do what he is doing now without you doing what you do...
there is no argument...

RoganJosh Mon 24-Mar-14 17:12:16

I'm a SAHM and the way it works for us is this. I try and do as much housework as I can during the day. Any left over we talk about/share etc.
What never happens is that one person is relaxing while the other is still dotting about doing stuff.

MrsKoala Mon 24-Mar-14 17:17:36

For me it depends on the expectation of you to do it. My DH doesn't do chores, but doesn't expect me to either. He's happy to live in filth grin . If however, he started giving me the orders, i'd be telling him to eff off.

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 17:18:32

I'm definately expected to do it. X

JapaneseMargaret Mon 24-Mar-14 17:19:28

Lazy man.

I work 30 hours, 4 days a week, do all the cooking, all the laundry and most of the housework.

We have two young children.

Out of interest, what's your sex life like? In my experience, treating a partner like a skivvy pretty much kills any sexual desire there might have been.

I assume your husband's OK with that?

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 17:21:37

Haha! Sex life is pretty slim. I'm too tired and too irritated at him!!! Karma for you lol!! X

JapaneseMargaret Mon 24-Mar-14 17:23:12

What a surprise!

MaryWestmacott Mon 24-Mar-14 17:26:03

I asked earlier, but OP, was he like this before you had DCs? Did he used to do 50% of the housework when you both worked fulltime (although he doesn't work hours most would consider full time)?

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