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AIBU about housework chores?

(61 Posts)
Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 14:52:54

Hey everyone.

Dh and I have different opinions on this one and wondered what you thought.

Dh works 30 hours a week. I gave up my job to be a SAHM after dd was diagnosed with autism and needs a lot of help. Plus, we have 2 other children.

Dh thinks he gets to do sod all, seriously, taking his plate or cup to the sink is too much. Don't even get me started on dirty clothes on the floor!

I get I am the sah parent, but he works a 4 day/30 hr a week job and does absolutely sod all while I cook, clean and watch 3 kids, one with autism who takes a lot of time and care.

AIBU to ask he does a small percentage of the housework, say 10-15%? Or a few designated jobs? Ie, empty the bin etc

Cheers in advance x

TTTatty Mon 24-Mar-14 14:55:54

Ywnbu! You are not a skivvy, there is no way he should not be helping around the house - he should be pitching in when at home otherwise when is your 'break'?

Taking his stuff out to sink, putting his dirty laundry in the basket is the very least! He should be doing a lot more. I am quite shocked that you have let him get away with doing so little - time to put your foot down :-)

RufusTheReindeer Mon 24-Mar-14 14:57:52

I work 4 hours a week, my husband leaves the house at 7am and comes home at 7pm

He cleans the bathroom and toilet, fills and empties the dishwasher, does the bins, DIY, garden, if I ask him he will run round with the Hoover and help with cleaning and tidying at the weekends (don't usually ask)

I do the bulk of the "housework"

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to do a few small jobs, or at least get him to clean up after himself

Offler Mon 24-Mar-14 14:58:13

The clue is the name SAHM, it's not SAHS (stay at home slave). You do what you can while he's at work, when he's home it's all hands on deck. Leaving his dirty skiddies and plates around for you to pick up is just disrespectful!

DramaAlpaca Mon 24-Mar-14 14:58:18

Of course you're not BU.

You and your DH are a partnership & should share the chores.

I'm shocked that he won't even take his dirty crockery to the sink. It's not even as if he works full time or long hours - he's at home a lot and should be pulling his weight as much as you are.

It must be like having an extra child. I'd be kicking up a major fuss.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Mon 24-Mar-14 14:59:08

So he gets three days off a week? He's a lazy piss taking arsehole. Stop facilitating his awful behaviour. If my DH (who works far longer hours) leaves dirty clothes on the floor they get kicked into his wardrobe until he sorts them himself, he can be untidy (but so can I) but he pulls his weight when at home

TravelinColour Mon 24-Mar-14 14:59:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 15:00:46

Thanks guys. We're really butting heads on this one. He think because he physically 'goes to work' that is his get out of jail free card to 'no work' at home.

Seriously, am I asking a bit much? If he worked 12 hour days 6 days a week, I'd see his point, but 30 hours a week doing light work is a bit different. X

MrsDonnaLyman Mon 24-Mar-14 15:02:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 24-Mar-14 15:04:53

Given you looking after 3 children one of whom has autism and your husband is only working 30 hours a week over 4 days I'd say he should be doing about 50% of the housework.

Are the children at home during the day and how old are they?

TheDoctorsNewKidneys Mon 24-Mar-14 15:07:01

YANBU at all.

I work 20 hours a week, DP does 40. I have depression and can't cope with full-time work right now. I do the bulk of the housework - dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, clean the kitchen and bathrooms. DP cooks (he enjoys it much more than I do!), empties the bins and changes the cat litter, as well as doing whatever needs doing on the one day I work and he's off.

Bananapickle Mon 24-Mar-14 15:08:17

YANBU. The way we work it is my DH has specific jobs, mainly the bins, dishwasher and garden. He will also pitch in if needed, which is more at the mo as I'm pregnant.
Maybe if you asked him to do specific things he may be more receptive then a blanket 10-15%??

TheCrackFox Mon 24-Mar-14 15:09:22

Bloody hell he is one lazy fucker!! I work 28hrs a week and have plenty of time over for housework.

I bet you his job is far easier than looking after a child with complex special needs.

DramaAlpaca Mon 24-Mar-14 15:10:42

You are definitely not asking a bit too much.

I think we all agree that he should be doing a lot more, even 50% of the housework, but maybe your idea of getting him to do some specific jobs might be a good way of getting him to contribute and take some of the load off you.

For example, emptying the bin as you suggest, cooking dinner a couple of times a week, doing the washing up after dinner, cleaning the bathroom once a week. You get the idea.

WestieMamma Mon 24-Mar-14 15:10:49

My husband's work + commute is 75 hours a week. He still manages to put the bins out, do the shopping, do half the bedtimes/bathing the baby, all the 'man' jobs, plus picking up the slack of anything I haven't managed while he's at work. Your bloke is being a lazy arse.

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals Mon 24-Mar-14 15:11:33

I would put his dirty clothes in bin liners in a place that wouldn't annoy you, eg his car, side of the bed etc.

I would basically look after myself and the DC in terms of housework. If the roles were reversed, I would probably expect to do the bulk of the cleaning BUT I am never going to be picking up dirty clothes from the floor. Childcare when he is at home should be split 50/50.

My only relevant experience is mat leave but DH arrived home, swiftly got handed DS and I cooked dinner. One of us did bedtime and the other washed up and cleaned away the kid stuff so it was tidy again. DS used to let me do hoovering but I know that all kids aren't so easy in terms of letting you get on.

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 15:14:43

The kids are 1,6 and 8. Our 8 year old has autism and although she's at school all day, I gabe up my job a, because she couldn't cope being picked up by anyone else and was a nightmare by the time I got home. And b, she is having reconstructive hip surgery on Friday and is in player for 8 weeks and my employer blankly refused to give me anytime off.

Looking after a 1 year old all day, on top of school runs, autism and a house is bloody Hard work. Dh seems to think I sit on my arse all day. I bloody wish! Getting a load of washing in without dd age 1 trashing another room is considered a triumph! Wish he had a glimpse into my world. To me, going out to work is the easy end of the stock x

SergeantJarhead Mon 24-Mar-14 15:16:27

YANBU. In the slightest.

My DH works 32 hours a week and it's an extremely physical job, he does the dishes, the hoovering, the bins, the dusting and is an extremely hands on father, he also has to 'take care' of me, help me dress, put shoes on etc because I have a serious back condition.

Your H is taking the piss, the dynamics of your relationship are not fair on you at all!

Joanne279 Mon 24-Mar-14 15:17:20

Oops. Typo. She is in a plaster cast for 8 weeks.

MaryWestmacott Mon 24-Mar-14 15:24:27

If you hired a nanny and you worked full time, the nanny would not do any housework at all. They'd clear up after the DCs, but wouldn't scrub your toilet or clean the kitchen floor.

IF he's not going to be a help round the house, he needs to get a full time job, why the fuck should he get 3 days a week off and you get none? At bare minimum he should be not creating extra work, that includes taking his plates and cups to the kitchen.

Was he a lazy arse before you had DCs or has he just decided once they arrived he no longer had to do anything for himself? If it's the latter, you've got more chance of changing him.

oscarwilde Mon 24-Mar-14 15:27:26

Get a job for the other three days and leave him to it?

He is being a total tosser.
You are definitely not being unreasonable.
In your shoes, I would work out a fair division of tasks and fair amount of "free time" each and have a serious talk. I agree - you would have more time off if you were a single parent. Perhaps it is time to show him that you are at the end of your rope.

Franny1977 Mon 24-Mar-14 15:35:04

YANBU at all!!

My DH works about 50hr pw. I'm currently on mat leave with our first DS. He does all the laundry, puts out bins, about half the cooking and some washing up. I do the vast majority of the baby related work though he tries to help at wknds. Obviously we'll have to work out what the balance is when I go back to work soon.

I suggest the two of you sit down and agree a reasonable work load for you for a 30hr working week, outlining to him how much time and pressure there is looking after your DC. After that all work should be split 50:50.

You can't let this go on, he's used to a very cushy lifestyle currently.

peggyundercrackers Mon 24-Mar-14 15:36:26

if he only works 4 days a week does that mean your SAHM duties are only 4 days a week too?

Latraviata Mon 24-Mar-14 15:57:45

YANBU op-I had the same problem for 10 years and honestly thought it was quite normal because my dh conditioned me to think that I was lazy because I am a sahmhmm

After some very good advice on here I now make him help more. I still do 90% but dh will now pick up his dirty dishes.clothes etc. I get a lie in on a sunday,he gives the dcs their breakfast and bath and he will do small jobs like emptying the bins,doing the dishes if I remind him!

Tryharder Mon 24-Mar-14 16:12:21

YANBU. If he worked 7 days a week from 6am to 8pm, I might say let him off but 30 hours a week is practically part time.

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