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To want a thanks?

(23 Posts)
bluntasabullet Mon 24-Mar-14 14:40:33

I am the cook in the family. Both my DH and SD are quite particular with food, so cooking a meal for us all isn't an easy as it should be. Me and my DD (18months) will eat pretty much anything but SD will often leave things because she "Doesn't want them".

I don't get even a whiff of a thanks from SD, and get a thanks from DH most of the time.

AIBU to want a "Thanks that was lovely/nice/yummy/good" after each meal? Even if it wasn't nice I'd like a thanks.

WIBU to stop cooking for them if I don't start getting a thanks?

i know it's not a big problem but it's annoying

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 24-Mar-14 14:43:38

Dh thanks you so it's just sd you have an issue with? I think 'thank you' is fine, no need for anything else unless it's heart felt. Basic manner, yes, over the top gratitude, nope!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 24-Mar-14 14:44:09

How old is sd?

bluntasabullet Mon 24-Mar-14 14:45:39

Well most of the time I'd get a thanks from DH, but not always. So it's both of them really.

Basic Thanks would be fine as well!

Blueuggboots Mon 24-Mar-14 14:45:46

My DS is 3. I am teaching him that it is polite to say thank you when he gets down from the table.
It's simple courtesy I think.

NoodleOodle Mon 24-Mar-14 14:47:37

YANBU to expect gratitude and manners. Prompt SD, give her a chance, if she doesn't amend attitude, mention it to DH and request his support. You certainly shouldn't feel like an unappreciated skivvy in your own home. That would grate on me very quickly.

BackforGood Mon 24-Mar-14 14:48:13

HOw old is sd?

BeverleyMoss Mon 24-Mar-14 14:48:26

Yes I would expect a thank you, it's just good manners - should be as automatic as asking to leave the table at the end of the meal.

bluntasabullet Mon 24-Mar-14 14:54:23

She's a mature 12 year old.

NoodelOodle That's exactly how it feels, like I'm a skivvy.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 24-Mar-14 14:55:11

Do they help clear away and do the dishes?

bluntasabullet Mon 24-Mar-14 14:56:20

SD doesn't, but H will help.

BackforGood Mon 24-Mar-14 14:56:53

I don't think that children would think to make a 'thing' out of thanking the person who coooked for them, unless it was what had been modelled to them on a pretty regular basis all their life.

My dc only started really appreciating the effort that goes into cooking the main meal of the day, when they started each taking a turn at cooking the main meal of the day..... perhaps you could try that?

Birdsgottafly Mon 24-Mar-14 15:03:28

I'm undecided.

It always "touched" me that my GrandDad would thank my GM after a meal. She was independant, financially and a very "caring" woman.

I wouldn't want thanks from my children (they are now adults which is different), I cooked for them out of Live, so no need to thank me. They ongoingly showed that they appreciated me.

When I was a SAHM and presented my DH with a meal he said thanks as he took it, but not always and I was ok with that.

I didn't phone him to thank him that there was money in the bank on pay day, either.

I don't like formal communication between loved family members, though, but that might be because my childhood consisted of manners etc and little affection.

bluntasabullet Mon 24-Mar-14 15:04:23

I remember growing up and once I'd finished my dinner I'd say thank you to my SM, if she wasn't in the kitchen, I'd go and find her and say thanks for tea.

backforgood that's a good idea, I might get her to cook an evening meal.

Birdsgottafly Mon 24-Mar-14 15:05:45

"Live" not live.

NoodleOodle Mon 24-Mar-14 15:06:51

I was taught as a child to say thank you for the meal, ask permission to leave the table, and to help clear away afterwards. It isn't too late to introduce whatever level of manners you want, just ask - "When you've finished your meal, please express your thanks and/or appreciation, and ask if you can be excused from the table. I also expect you to take your plate and cutlery to... (wherever, dishwasher, rinse in sink)".

Your house, your rules. The child will be grateful that you have taught them once they are older, as they will be able to express gratitude naturally, and show good grace and manners without awkwardness when they are a guest at other's houses. DC might not appreciate it now, but you're not there to be their friend, your job is to guide them through life.

I can tell the parents who have bothered with etiquette when having 'play dates', some children (adults even) are either terribly embarrassed and don't know how to say a simple thank you and offer to clean up after themselves. Others have no such embarrassment, they don't seem to have any self-awareness of their lack of social behavioural norms- I feel most sorry for these. Manners are important, and will hold you in good stead throughout life, either allowing you to fit in or show you up (without even knowing) once an adult, in all sorts of life situations.

Start now, be gentle, be consistent. It is not unreasonable to expect support from your DH in this, but it doesn't need to be a big issue. Just make SD aware of what you expect from them, and respond with the same good manners.

NoodleOodle Mon 24-Mar-14 15:13:56

Oh gosh, this reminds me, I once went out with a guy who just didn't have a clue, held his cutlery very strangely, ate with his mouth open etc. He'd never been to a restaurant to eat, and a pub meal was the closest I ever got with him - I just couldn't have coped with the embarrassment, and I'm no posh-er or snob by any means. Manners cost nothing, but are particularly valuable.

He'd also never been to the theatre, not even to a panto, and refused to go too. That should have been a glaring clue that the relationship was doomed, doomed, doomed. His family were very close, and loving and supporting, but oh dear, some things just got completely missed out of his childhood! Things I'm sure will continue to hold him back in life as although he went into a more white collar profession than anyone in his family, there is no way his lack of manners and social graces could not be holding him back.

SallyMcgally Mon 24-Mar-14 15:15:33

She should say thank you, especially if she doesn't lift a finger to help. It's fundamental manners. Mind you, I feel like a skivvy running after my SD of 25 when she's with us. We never get a word of thanks from her for a meal, and she's never cooked for us.

NoodleOodle Mon 24-Mar-14 15:19:01

Have you tried asking her Sally - just a gentle prompt when you serve her that you would really appreciate a thank you - that you've enjoyed cooking for her, and the experience will be even more pleasant if she verbalises the gratitude you know she feels, that's it is just nice to hear it?

bluntasabullet Mon 24-Mar-14 15:21:44

It's hard to get the balance of step parenting right.

I just think that manners don't cost anything, and I'd much rather polite children who know when to say thank you, please than be awkward in any way.

chattychattyboomba Mon 24-Mar-14 15:26:37

We are big on manners in our family. (DD is almost 3 and we constantly prompt a thank you or please... But she is still little and needs reminding) I would prompt SD to say thank you if it didn't come automatically. Otherwise I would tell her since she didn't really seem to like or appreciate your cooking, she can make her own meals. I'm mean.

SallyMcgally Mon 24-Mar-14 15:31:39

No. I tread on egg shells too much, as I don't want her to stop coming to visit, especially as she gets on v well with my sons, but she can be very prickly and defensive. When she was in her teens, we did make her help out in the house. It was just the understanding. Since she went to university she's just stopped doing anything altogether or saying thank you. I'm feeling that there's a discussion in general to be had about not treating the place like a second-rate hotel - but unsure about how to handle it. Sorry to hijack your thread, OP.

maras2 Mon 24-Mar-14 15:34:54

My DH has thanked me for every meal that I've made for him in the last 38 years . I have returned the compliment . My parents did this and now my children and their partners do the same . It's just good manners .

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