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To be pissed off at the way DH never feels the need to involve me in anything or tell me anything??

(24 Posts)
jacketspudntuna Mon 24-Mar-14 13:00:30

Yet another example of the way DH likes to divide his life between "me" and "them". "Them" being anyone in his family especially his kids.

So latest example was yesterday, I was at work and DH had his kids over on a weekend so mid day he text me asking how work was going and what kind of day was I having. I text back saying work was fine, what was he and the kids up to. He replied "nothing much, just a bit of cleaning and a trip to tip."

Fair enough, I get home last night and he still maintains he didn't do anything all day, just housework and then took his kids home. Just now a message popped up on the ipad from his DS thanking him for the driving lessons over the weekend and how much he had enjoyed the drive out on Sunday! DH then replied that he too had really enjoyed it and he was so proud of him at how well he had done etc etc. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bothered that they did this but isn't it something you'd normally mention to your significant other as part of "this was my day ... " conversation?? I tell him everything. I tell him all about my work, I tell him all about my friends and more importantly he involves himself totally in my kids wanting to know the far end of a fart as to what is going on in their lives. I'm so pissed off that yet again he just feels that it's not something he wants to share with me.

Loads of other examples of this but only previous weekend I was in the living room and heard him say something to his youngest about the following morning as in "yeah we'll do that in morning!". I was intrigued as we'd recently been discussing doing more on a weekend and so when he came back in the living room I cheerfully said "we going out tomorrow? smile ) and he was furious and snapped "how dare you listen in on my conversations with my son!!! I can talk to my son in private without it involving you! how dare you ear-wig on what I'm talking to him about!!" shock how rude!! a grown woman being accussed of "earwigging" in her own home!! And it wasn't like I had to strain the hear him! the dining room isn't even connected to the living room plus I had the TV on and could hear him clearly!

I'm so pissed off with it. Why do I get excluded from everything? I find it so disrespectful. I cant imagine taking my son on a driving lesson and not even thinking to mention it to him, especially when he specifically asks about my day.

Other examples is when his mate invites him/us to a gig or something and he either accepts or declines without even mentioning it to me. Dramas with his mum/sister or whatever ... Its just like I'm a distant mate half the time.

CSIJanner Mon 24-Mar-14 13:05:26

Is this déjà vu or have I read the "eavesdropping" conversation before?

TBH I can see how he wants to maintain a special relationship with his children however YANBU with his secretiveness? What's up with not including you with nights out? Or not telling you about the weekend? You weren't asking to gate rash, just wanted to show interest. Either you're a partnership in marriage or not - if the latter, I think maybe counselling might be beneficial.

jacketspudntuna Mon 24-Mar-14 13:09:55

There's having a special relationship though and completely excluding your wife. I mean Saturday he took his kids to football match, just the 3 of them. Saturday night the 3 of them watched a movie together whilst I busied myself upstairs. Sunday I was at work from 7am to 8pm so never saw any of them all day. So basically he's had a full weekend on his own with his kids yet can't even bring himself to tell me he'd taken DSS on driving lessons when I ask how his day went? that's not even "not thinking to mention it" it's "deliberately not mentioning it."

He wouldn't like it if I did that.

redskyatnight Mon 24-Mar-14 13:15:41

I think your expectation are too high tbh. You evidently like discussing every little thing. DH doesn't. You know he did things with his DC over the weekend. He mentioned going to the tip. He didn�t think the driving lesson was particularly worthy of note (or perhaps he forgot � I can never remember anything I�ve done if people say something like �so what did you do this weekend?� ).

NaturalBaby Mon 24-Mar-14 13:18:18

Have you asked him specifically why he doesn't tell you things?
Tell him how you feel - you're pleased for them, interested, you care about them, you like to hear that he's doing something that makes him happy.... ask him why doesn't he want to share that with you? Then ask him if you should stop telling him things about what you've been up to and point out he can't have it both ways.

I tell my DH everything about my day, he tells me very little unless I specifically ask. There is no way he'd get cross at me for finding out that he's been doing something he's enjoyed! Where is your DH's anger coming from?

DoJo Mon 24-Mar-14 13:19:09

Have you asked him why he chooses not to share things with you? It's one thing for him to not share things that his kids have asked him not to, or to not bother with things that he thinks aren't interesting, but what reason does he give for not sharing after you have specifically asked him?

Also, if that wasn't you on the previous thread about overhearing arrangements being made, then it might be worth searching for the thread as there were some ideas and suggestions on there that might be helpful.

DoJo Mon 24-Mar-14 13:19:57

Great minds NaturalBaby...grin

jacketspudntuna Mon 24-Mar-14 13:20:54

It's not about discussing every little thing, it's just all a bit one sided. He wants to discuss my kids every day details yet won't discuss his with me? he wants to know my plans with my friends to the detail yet doesn't even mention his to me?

He says I don't show an interest in his kids yet he deliberately prevents me from doing so! it's madness. Didn't think marriages were supposed to be one sided. Fine if he doesn't want to talk about what we're doing with our own kids but that should surely work both ways??

jacketspudntuna Mon 24-Mar-14 13:24:42

I have asked him. His response ranges from "you don't need to be involved in everything." to "I thought I had told you." or occasionally "I can spend time with my kids without detailing my every move to you."

I don't want to know his every move but ffs we're supposed to be a family. Isn't it nice to share our day with each other? Wouldn't it have been nice to respond to my "what you upto today" text with "taking DS for a driving lesson, I'll let you know how he gets on." Because that's how I always imagined marriage.

PortofinoRevisited Mon 24-Mar-14 13:24:51

Have you posted about this before?

Finola1step Mon 24-Mar-14 13:28:03

Did you have a thread recently about the "earwigging?". That part sounds very familiar. If so, you had some v good advice on that thread iirc.

diddl Mon 24-Mar-14 13:54:16

Well if he doesn't feel the need to tell you/involve you in everything, that could be the way he is.

But to then want to know every detail of what you & your kids do doesn't seem to square with that.

It's a bit of a control thing somehow isn't it-that they know everything that you do & you know nothing.

"He wouldn't like it if I did that."-why not?

firesidechat Mon 24-Mar-14 15:19:47

Another one who finds this thread very familiar. The same very rude reaction to supposed eavesdropping.

whois Mon 24-Mar-14 15:31:31

To be honest, he sounds like a bit of a dick. Chatting about what we've been up to, who we've seen is a normal conversation between DP and I. Surely it's nice to hear about hat each other have been up to?

GatoradeMeBitch Mon 24-Mar-14 19:24:14

From what you've said it sounds like he has no respect for you, and maybe even considers you a lesser human being than him and his children.

In fact, sod my diplomatic comment. He's almost definitely a controlling prick and it'll never get any better. Leave.

drnoitall Mon 24-Mar-14 20:33:54

Watching eagerly. Sounds way to familiar.

tedturtle Mon 24-Mar-14 20:46:02

Sympathies to you OP. It's classic passive aggressive behavior. Its so painful to be on the receiving end. No advice really I' m afraid, other than try to boost your own self esteem in other areas of your life to sustain you.

crispyporkbelly Mon 24-Mar-14 20:52:52

He sounds like a prick. What's with the angry reaction to you hearing a conversation? Vile.

crispyporkbelly Mon 24-Mar-14 20:53:23

I'd move this to relationships, op

JupiterGentlefly Mon 24-Mar-14 21:01:16

What happened to the 'earwigging' thread?

ICanSeeTheSun Mon 24-Mar-14 21:16:15

Is DSS doing his driving lessons in secret.

chateauferret Tue 25-Mar-14 07:24:52

He sounds like an absolute twat. Try treating him the same way and see if he likes it. Arse.

Thymeout Tue 25-Mar-14 08:52:38

I think he's deliberately excluding you from his relationship with his kids.
Why? I don't know. Maybe something in the backstory.

It sounds as if this is his way of coping with the separation from them. For whatever reason, the idea of a blended family is a step too far. How do they get on with you? Is there a problem there that he's trying to solve with pretending you don't exist?

Try posting on the Step-parents' board. I'm sure they've come across this.

TheBody Tue 25-Mar-14 08:59:07

nest time he asks you about your kids/day/plans answer him the same way he answers you.

why were you 'busying yourself upstairs' while he and the kids were watching a film on sat night? why not watch with them.

lastly for me marriage is about love, fun, mutual respect and support. if you arnt getting this then get out. life is far too short.

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