Difficulties with family member!

[YoureAShoe]

I've had problems with this family member in the past. She seems to think my dd is her dd and doesn't like me being there when she sees her

On the first sunny day of the year (back in feb?) I told her about plans I had for the day she normally has off and sometimes has dd (8 months old) and invited her.

She got really pissy and told me she already had plans (hadn't told me) and she's still taking dd with her. I said we could talk about it that evening. But when I called her that evening and said you're still welcome but the place you have in mind is quite far and too expensive for me she said I knew she had plans and it's her special day with dd.
I said okay well let me know if you change your mind, didn't mean to upset you, etc.

Fast forward about 6 weeks and multiple ignored phone calls, texts and fb messages (I know but they were private messages!) and dd had an hospital appt (nothing serious just a scan under anaesthetic) so I texted family member to let her know how it went and she replied saying "ok can I have her tomorrow"

I was a bit so suggested we met up and she asked if she was having her on this day off anymore. So I just explained I wanted to spend as much time with dd as possible before she has her big op but of course we can meet up on her day off if love to see her! She replied saying it's not the same, we might as well collect the bits she's bought for her (a couple of toys and clothes) she hasn't seen her for 6 weeks because I've been withholding her!?!
I just said I'm sorry you feel that way and left her over the weekend to cool off.
Texted her this morning to see if she's free in the week at all and -surprise surprise- she's ignoring me. She's read the text, she's always texting and she always replies unless she's annoyed.
AIBU to go with my dd to meet up? Should I be giving her quality time (in her words she only want 6-8 hours a week alone with dd ) or should I stand my ground and wait for her to grow up?!

[YoureAShoe]

Sorry just to make it clearer - she already had plans for her and dd together without seeing if dd was free.
She was ignoring my messages and calls not the other way around.

[SharpLily]

She's a few spanners short of a tool box. Give her a wide berth.

[mymiraclebubba]

Erm dd is your dd right?!

In which case your family member is BVU!!! She shouldbe ggrateful that you offer her time not getting pissy.

Ignore her and look after your dd xxx

Hope the op is nothing too serious and it all goes well

[ViviPru]

She makes firm plans including your DD but not you without prior arrangement they'll be spending the day together? Either you've given her some very confusing mixed messages or she's struggling with some kind of delusional personality disorder.

You've done the right thing. It's not pigheadedly standing your ground, especially as she hasn't responded, just leave her be for now and try not to feel too bad about it.

[Ronmione]

Does she have dd the same day everyday, eg once every wed or something like that, so you can work?

If not then just do your own thing. Text get one last time and say your welcome to join us, I've text a few times but had no reply if you would like to talk this problem over please contact me, otherwise I will assume you want to be left alone

[parakeet]

YABU and I think you've been dealing with it absolutely the right way, staying calm etc. Yes, continue to stand your ground. She has to learn.

If she feels "it's not the same" to see an eight-month-old baby with her mum present, then that is her problem, and if she wants to (almost literally) throw the toys out of the pram (well, out of her house), then that is her choice.

And on top of it all, your daughter has a big op coming. Which just doubles, no quadruples her level of unreasonableness. Just ignore ignore ignore.

[parakeet]

So sorry meant YANBU of course, as was presumably clear from my post.

[DoJo]

YANBU - she has no right to make plans that include your daughter without your say so and getting stroppy if her plans don't suit you is definitely overstepping the mark. Do you get on with her aside from the issues over your daughter? Because I'd be inclined to limit your time with her, and I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child with someone who is so desperate to exclude you from their relationship.

[alemci]

remember it's your dd not hers and she is being vu imo.

[RoaringTiger]

Ydnbu! You family member is being an entitled arse! My Bil was the same, couldn't stand it when we said 'well actually the children don't know you well enough to go out alone with you', he also told my dp I wasn't 'allowed' to be present when he saw his nieces and blamed me for 'keeping them away from him' cos dp and myself told him to jog on with regards to that idea.

I've now banned him from visiting the house and put aside one day a month for him to visit them with the intention of building up contact when he has shown he can be respectful to our family....two months in and he didn't turn up, not could we get in touch with him until an hour and half after he was due here....entitled arse!

Stand your ground-don't give in to the manipulation

[Floralnomad]

TBH it does sound like she has a screw loose ,I don't think I'd be leaving my child with her at all ,very bizarre .

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

This is your MIL, right?

Even if not, this person is behaving very strangely. Go no contact - who'd want to be tangled up in her web of toxicity?

[Topseyt]

You are the one with parental responsibility, not her. She doesn't seem to understand that.

That being the case, I would cut contact and not offer anything further at all. How do you know that she would not take your daughter somewhere you didn't want her to go or make some decision you did not like?

She cannot make plans for YOUR child. If she is doing so and going ahead without your approval then that would be enough for me. She wouldn't see her unsupervised ever again. It isn't worth the risk. She sounds deluded.

I hope your daughter is OK and the op goes well.

[cozietoesie]

She's a little deranged. Under no circumstances would I let her see your DD alone - and I'd even be a little reluctant to have her there with just me and a baby. Who knows what might happen.

Does she have a circle of friends and family who might potentially be called on to support her in some way? It sounds as though she needs it badly.

[AngelaDaviesHair]

You know, this business of seeing even little babies without the parents present comes up time and time again on MN, with various relatives wanting it. I don't understand it, no one in my family has ever expected it, and I have no idea why anyone would insist on it.

Have no truck with it. At 8 months, you and your DD can quite reasonably come as a team on all but the odd occasion. Someone who insists on a parent NOT being present is being quite odd, and trashing all kinds of boundaries.

[Pigletin]

It might just be me, but from your post it appears your relative thinks you have some kind of a standard arrangement where she has your DD n her day off. Could you clarify if this was the case?

If it isn't, then YA definitely NBU. If they there is in fact such an arrangement, or if it happens every time she has the day off, I can see why she would make plans. In any case, it's your daughter and you are not unreasonable to decide how she spends her time, however it would be good to clarify with the relative that the arrangement doesn't work for you anymore and she can have her on a case by case basis depending on YOUR schedule.

[OnlyLovers]

YANBU. Why does she need to see your DD alone and for specified amounts of time?

It sounds as though you're handling it very well – not getting sucked into arguments, staying calm etc.

You've texted and invited her and she's not responding. Leave her to stew, is my advice.

[pumpkinsweetie]

She sounds too many raspberries short of a picnic!
How can you be sure that one day she may just take her and never come back?

Don't stay calm, just say no, mean it and lock your door.

Out of interest what sort of family member is this?
A grandma this is bad enough but an aunt etc even worse.

[natwebb79]

I think we definitely need to know how close a 'family member' this person is. They're still batty but if it's like a 2nd cousin twice removed then you should stay well clear.

[WeAreEternal]

Is this your DM or MIL by any chance?

I would not rise to her behaviour, just ignore her, she sounds quite manipulative.
I would not be leaving DD alone with her anymore but tell her she is welcome to come and visit DD at home whenever you are free (not when she likes as that could cause another issue) or you are happy to arrange a meet up.

[GandalfsBeard]

How are you related to this woman? Why does she need 'quality time' with your dd on her days off? And why does she need that time without you there? Situation sounds really bizarre to be honest (unless she's your over-bearing mum/mil, because I know some grandparents can behave this way).
She sounds like a fruit loop.

[YoureAShoe]

Thank you for all your replies. She has a way if making me feel like I'm being a complete twat. It's MIL, I hate that she's being a cliche!

She used to have a set day when I worked (which thankfully I gave up!) when I stopped working I said I'll try and make sure we can see her on that day and she started having dd maybe 2 out of 3 weeks? Only going for walks but the place she was walking is far away and you have to pay a lot to park. Then she started doing things against our wishes. Giving her chocolate and purées when we were giving just finger foods and hadn't tried chocolate yet. Gave her different medicines without asking or telling us. Gave her sugary water in an unsterilised bottle after we said no when dd was about 3 months.

DP had a word and said that we would be playing it on a week to week basis because he couldn't trust her to listen to us.

Until the week I made plans she would always check with me the week before if she could see her the next week. She didn't ask that week so I made plans and invited her.

[possiblyprecious]

You are not being unreasonable.

It's funny though, my parents, with whom I get on quite well, seem to crave time with my DD6 and DD3months without me there. They will suggest other things I might like to go and do! And when they have had a chance to spend time alone with DD6 you can tell they just can't wait for me to get going! This is even though I sit back and take a back seat and let them get on with their grandparenting even when I am there!

[BurningBridges]

Interesting - my SiL tried this one and when I stood my ground she went NC with us! Haven't spoken for 12 years, she's never seen DD again. At one point her family said I could be allowed to be there on special occasions but otherwise no it was still they wanted "access". "D"H still thinks I am in the wrong and should have allowed "access". I think she's a nut job and he's one of her enablers. So I am with you OP, but I do think we need to know the back story. Oh and regardless, you need to put a stop to this now.