to feel I'm wasting my time being a good parent because exH is the opposite?(3 Posts)
Dd is 7, exH and I have been separated since I was pregnant. Since September we arranged he'd collect dd from school on her weekends with him. He does so but doesn't do homework, spellings or reading book, nor empty or clean her lunch bag. Her spelling test is on Mondays and she gets 6/6 when she's been with me and usually 2/6 when she's been with him. Simple homework which would usually take 5 mins takes up to 45 because she is whingey and sulky about having to do it on a Sunday evening. She cries if I say we won't do it as she doesn't want to be the odd one out at school.
Every time he's returned her he's forgotten at least one thing - like her school shoes or coat - and sometimes her entire uniform. It's too expensive to have double everything.
I emailed him a couple of months ago now asking him to ensure he returns all belongings, empties and cleans lunchbox (it's had to be replaced a few times as he leaves it to congeal in hot car) and does homework etc. I also Pointed out that dd is becoming overweight and could he please watch what she eats there, without making her conscious of the fact. She mentioned a few times that she helps herself from his cupboards, had eaten a multipack of crisps etc.
Since then he's taken to weighing her on the Friday, telling her she's lost weight then allowing her to eat what she likes for 'a treat.' Today she had a fry up for breakfast, crisps and chocolate mid-morning, a large adult meal with milkshake from McDonalds for lunch and cake and fizzy drink before returning. Every day she's with him is similar. Cue tonight her refusing a meal she'd usually enjoy because it's too healthy and crashing and being unable to do her homework because of all the sugar. I know the next few days will be filled with her whining for food because she's been so full over the weekend and tbh, I'm thoroughly fed up of doing all the hard work for him to undo it, to the detriment of dd.
He thinks that because he only has her eow her eating won't impact her weight if she eats healthily when with me. He doesn't get that he's teaching her awful food habits, not to mention the fact that he lets her watch tv/play computer games the majority of the time to the point where she's so lazy that even getting her to walk to school is a battle.
Aibu to feel that every good thing I do for dd is undermined by him and that theres nothing I can do about it?
At least she is having your input as well though, if you parented the way your ex does she wouldn't have any healthy food, exercise etc. at the moment she may enjoy the food, watching tv all weekend and not having to do homework but hopefully with you as a role model as she grows older she'll be able to make informed choices for herself. I can totally understand that you feel as if you're banging your head against a brick wall though!
You are lucky to have one good parent doing all that.
I have exactly the same as a foster carer - there's plenty of contact (where they try to undermine everything instead of actually helping) but foster kids have us to do the safe and secure stuff they can rely on.
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