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AIBU to ask for a good phrase to deal with PIL...

(71 Posts)
Jewels234 Sun 23-Mar-14 19:37:53

The PIL are visiting next week, and we are cooking them dinner. They have opinions on everything. Especially at the moment as we are planning our wedding (not paid by them, not an issue at all and I certainly don't expect them to but don't want to drip feed).

They don't like the photographer, the caterer, the church, the religion that we are getting married under, our flat, our rent, the share price of my employer, the dresses I am considering, me being vegetarian, where we go on holiday, us running, the fact that we are considering buying a house, a buffet starter at the wedding, the wine I buy, the food I get the picture!

I need a good phrase to deal with this, or I may explode over dinner/run to the kitchen in tears (it has happened before!).

Coldlightofday Sun 23-Mar-14 19:39:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CailinDana Sun 23-Mar-14 19:39:25

What does your dh to be do about the situation?

MyNameIsKenAdams Sun 23-Mar-14 19:40:19

"Well, youve done it your way"

MistletoeBUTNOwine Sun 23-Mar-14 19:42:49

If you can't say anything nice please don't say anything at all grin
With a sweet smile on your face.
Or just completely ignore EVERY negative comment.

Rosa Sun 23-Mar-14 19:42:59

Thanks for your thoughts I will bear it in mind....

DameFanny Sun 23-Mar-14 19:45:59

What happens if you just say "interesting" and talk about something else?

Or would you feel better able to cope if you had a bingo card hidden in the kitchen with their most-used phrases on?

And what does your fianc� say about things?

CMOTDibbler Sun 23-Mar-14 19:48:57

PIL bingo saved my sanity many times when they were at their worst.

Just say 'interesting' or another bland phrase and change the subject

Jewels234 Sun 23-Mar-14 19:49:13

He's told them not to do it, but they don't listen. He's had it his whole life and can zone out and let it wash over him...

Meanwhile I am not that kind of person and just get so angry!

Love the idea of 'interesting' then changing the subject. Will need to think of lots and lots of alternative subjects!

parakeet Sun 23-Mar-14 19:49:26

Firstly, try to give them as little info as possible about your wedding - be vague and say things like "we're not sure yet" whenever possible.

But when it can't be avoided I think having a few stock phrases to criticisms are a good idea. How about:

Well, we're all different, aren't we? [Change subject.]
Oh really? [Change subject.]
[Laughing airily] It'll be fine, there's no need to worry. [Change subject.]

good luck!

guggenheim Sun 23-Mar-14 19:53:51

That's niiiccee.. AKA Mrs Brown?

Or the polite version might be to repeatedly say: That's what you would do,is it?

Sounds like a question but when delivered in a bored manner it just reminds PILs that it's not them getting married,setting up home etc etc.

Be ruthless and congratulations.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sun 23-Mar-14 20:00:16

The way I deal with my 3 yo when she's being in a whiny mood - calm indifference.

"if you don't like it you don't have to eat it - all the more for me."
"that's ok - you don't have to be in the photos if you don't like the photographer."
"oh we'll - you don't have to live here"

Think breezy.breezy breezy breezy.

And agree with your dh that when they have critised 5 things you have to try and get the word "bingo" into the conversation!

Ishouldbeweaving Sun 23-Mar-14 20:04:36

I'm with parakeet in favouring "oh, really, do you think so?" followed by a change of subject. I find the difficulty is keeping my eyebrows out of my hairline.

My preferred subjects are their holidays (past or planned), their continuing saga of....(they must have one surely, neighbours, parking, whatever), what some other relations have been doing. I'll settle for anything other than the minefield that they are wanting to dance through.

Finola1step Sun 23-Mar-14 20:06:58

"You are entitled to your opinion. Just as we are entitled to ours. We are very happy with ... More peas?"

Cut them dead verbally each time. No discussions. Change the subject each and every time.

It is also worth considering how much information you share with them. They have no need to know details about your rent for example. Don't give them the ammo.

The more you put your foot down now the better. Or the next thirty odd years will be very looong!

Littlegreyauditor Sun 23-Mar-14 20:07:42

"That's a pity, we like it...anyway" change subject, repeat to fade.

Nanny0gg Sun 23-Mar-14 20:08:25

' I wasn't actually asking you.'

CheckpointCharlie Sun 23-Mar-14 20:10:48

When my MIL does this I say... 'Well I feel happy that.... ' she can't argue with an emotional response!

Or just 'well we will have to agree to differ then' and a grin

hamptoncourt Sun 23-Mar-14 20:11:48

I'd go with "sorry, I just remembered I have to be somewhere... " and leave DF to deal with them.

They sound horribly negative and somewhat toxic. Can you move further away from them? I know that right now all the criticism is annoying but if you have children it will feel a whole lot worse.

How about saying "Oh, you aren't your usual sunny selves today are you, with all this criticism and negativity?"

LittleMsContrary Sun 23-Mar-14 20:11:52

My DGM is like this. I give her thumbs up now.

She knows what it means.

SaucyJack Sun 23-Mar-14 20:12:11

"Lucky it's for my wedding then, and not yours."

Tryingtobetidy Sun 23-Mar-14 20:13:17

I would say your son likes the dress/church/house etc etc etc

Hoppinggreen Sun 23-Mar-14 20:14:01

Imagine yourself holding a sign saying fuck off!!!
Smile to yourself while holding it up ( in your head)

AlternativeMoniker53 Sun 23-Mar-14 20:14:40

"I hear you"! Works for every occasion. Meaningless. You're welcome.

I have before now resorted to herbal tranquillisers to get through PIL visits, maybe worth a shot? Kalms or whatever, I'd go for the highest level of valerian available. The only downside is you may, calmly, say what you think. Good luck.

ScarletStar Sun 23-Mar-14 20:14:46

Well they sound like a very unhappy pair. I'd fake concern and say 'Really? You don't like any of our plans? What's really going on here? What's making you so unhappy?'

This bare honesty should hopefully put them on the back foot and either get them to shut up forever or realise what arseholes they're being. Of course you also might have to deal with finding out what their issue really is!

DramaQueenofHighCs Sun 23-Mar-14 20:15:06

Think 'Mrs Brown's Boys' and just keep saying "That's nice!"

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