To think my dh frankly does not give crap about my feelings?(8 Posts)
I'm a frequent lurker but seldom post on here but I really would like some input on the following situation.
My dh and I have been together for over 6 years now and throughout our first year or so it became very clear that he was not over his ex - frequent comments on how he missed her etc. But then after some time this stopped. I did get irked at her mention at times but this was really because of the way he sometimes made me feel inadequate at the start of our relationship.
We eventually had ds and everything seemed fine for a long time after but a few months ago I found out that my dh had met up with this ex and lied about it until he 'confessed' saying it was only a friendly meet up and he didn't tell me because of how I would react etc. It took a few weeks for us to move past this and we did but I told him I didn't feel I could trust him again. Since then I've made it clear I would like him to go no contact with this ex - I know this was probably unreasonable and irrational but with the way I felt at the time it just made sense. Surprisingly he agreed and deleted her from his phone, facebook etc.
Except now, I've just seen on his phone a message on some app popping up - I did not snoop on his phone but it lit up with the notification and showed up on the top panel. I did not see the whole message but I made out a smiley face and an 'alright, well...'. Not much to go on but he snatched the phone off me quickly.
He's gone to work now, I had to get ds to take a nap and we did not speak about it all. I'm just feeling like crap at the moment - I realise a lot of my anxieties stem right from the beginning of our relationship when I felt so insecure but the secret meeting and now the contact despite me making my feelings clear and him promising are just crushing me. I don't quite know what I'm looking for on here - maybe I am being unreasonable but in my heart I don't feel it is so unusual for me to expect a grown man with a dc and a wife to be able to cut contact with one woman who he had a brief fling with over 7 years ago with..
I don't want to drip feed and so will mention that our relationship itself if generally fine - he has been violent in the past, pushing me and once smacking me but this stems from issues he has for which he has received and is receiving counselling. I have tried so hard to make our relationship work despite this and other issues but this just feels like a slap in the face...
Oh and I'm not sure if this is relevant but this ex has a dp herself but has cheated on him in the past, cheated on my dh when they were together and so despite her being in a relationship, I personally do not view that as a barrier to her trying to get together with my dh, as she did around a year into our relationship by asking him to spend the night after they'd been to a gig (that's a whole other aibu thread in itself)...
I am really sorry to say this, but he doesn't sound like a keeper to me. He sounds as if he is taking his unresolved issues out on you. Is he really a good role model for your DS?
Why does he feel the need to keep in touch with his exGF? hasn't she moved on either? For a relationship to work, both partners need to pull together. It seems as if you and him want different things......
I've just read your second post. The OW sounds just horrible and someone who has no scruples or true feelings for others (or respect for herself).
If he promised to cut contact and has not its a deal breaker. My DH knows that I'm watching him for this type of reason and first wrong move he is out he door. If you ignore it it will continue.
I would say our relationship on the whole is OK - it's not the kind of relationship I envisaged for myself in the past but I do want it to work. Not just because of our ds but also because of the time we have vested into it - not great reasons I know...
He has in the past when questioned maintained that she was a good friend, she was a big part of his life in the past (first woman he slept with etc) and that there's nothing for me to worry about. It's not that I think he would cheat on me, but it just feels like he doesn't respect my feelings. He brushes aside my concerns, tries to justify himself constantly and does not acknowledge what this is doing to our relationship and me emotionally. I just want him to get past this ex, cut contact with her and that's all but if I can put him with his temper, our arguments, his various issues and still try to make us work but he can't do one thing I can't see so much more I can take..
DrCoconut (love the name btw) I feel exactly the same way - the fact that he promised, deleted her in front of me and maintained that he has not been in contact and then I found out accidentally that he had for me feels like the last straw.
I have posted a lot on here recently about my 'D'H. It's our two year wedding anniversary today I got threatened by a woman he was talking to and got the normal crap 'it means nothing, we're just friends, I would never do that to you' and what happened? I caught them in my bed together on NYE.
Sorry, but no, I don't think he gives a crap about your feelings. I would be very wary of them together. I hope that this will not be the case for you. I think you need to tell him to think long and hard about what he wants because he isn't doing you or your DC any favours by acting like this.
I hope it all sorts itself.
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