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to take step kids along for a private scan of their sibling?

(106 Posts)
PuffyPigeon Sun 23-Mar-14 13:56:29

I have a 7 and almost 2 yr old plus step children aged 8 and 9. When I was pregnant with 2 yr old their mum was very negative, telling them their dad would be too busy to see them, that he'd love the baby more because he sees her everyday etc. She then stopped contact altogether, telling them their dad had decided to concentrate on baby and not see them. As a result they didn't get to meet their sibling until dh had been through court and she was 6 months old.

Luckily they are great with dd but they do feel sad they didn't get to meet her sooner, hold her when she was tiny etc. This pregnancy I really Want them to feel involved and included. I was thinking of booking a private scan at 22 weeks (once we know everything is well) for us and all the children to find out if baby is a boy or a girl all together. However my friend said that's bound to antagonize their mum so we shouldn't. What do you think?

Nanny0gg Sun 23-Mar-14 13:58:09

What does your DH think? It's his ex.

SallyMcgally Sun 23-Mar-14 14:01:42

I think it's your baby and their sibling and a really special moment, so if that's what you'd like to do, then do it. Their mother completely overshadowed your first pregnancy and birth. Don't give her the power over this one. I say this as one who had to tiptoe round an exW when having my second, and bloody well resenting it ( tho she wasn't as bad as your case). It's time though for them to learn that not every single situation is about them.

SallyMcgally Sun 23-Mar-14 14:02:35

By them I mean that type of ex.

splasheeny Sun 23-Mar-14 14:04:32

It sounds like a lovely idea, and as long as you are doing it for the children's benefit, and not to antagonize the ex, I see nothing wrong.

minouminou Sun 23-Mar-14 14:04:54

I think it's a lovely idea and that you're very thoughtful.

Finola1step Sun 23-Mar-14 14:05:10

What dies your DH think?

NigellasDealer Sun 23-Mar-14 14:06:15

it is a lovely idea to make them feel included but yes it might piss the mum off

LouiseSmith Sun 23-Mar-14 14:06:48

It sounds like a lovely idea smile a nice way to include them in the event.

Just be aware that ex may not like it very much and it could cause problems x

SummerRain Sun 23-Mar-14 14:07:36

That sounds like a lovely idea, kids of that age would get such a kick out of seeing a scan and it will really make them feel part of the pregnancy.

As long as dh is on board I'd go for it

littlemissgrinch Sun 23-Mar-14 14:07:52

I think it sounds lovely and the children will really benefit from feeling involved.

PuffyPigeon Sun 23-Mar-14 14:08:44

He wants to do it but worries it'll make her angry. But then I pointed out that we want to do it so if we did it with the other dc but not his it backs up what she's saidto them aabout them not being as important, and she'd probably kick off about that. We can't win either way, and contact is now court ordered so I think we should just do what's best for the kids.

Finola1step Sun 23-Mar-14 14:09:29

does not dies!

minouminou Sun 23-Mar-14 14:09:47

But what can the ex do?

It seems like contact has been decided by a court, so she can't reduce it. I guess she can start bitching more, but the OP has (to get tactical) played a blinding move....the step kids aren't going to believe her propaganda so much, so what can she do?

Finola1step Sun 23-Mar-14 14:10:21

I think you should do it. Sounds lovely.

SallyMcgally Sun 23-Mar-14 14:12:51

You're right puffy. If you leave the kids out because of the way exW has behaved, she's spoilt it anyway. And she relies on that intimidation. So just go ahead and do what you know is best for the children. They are the ones who count. If she chooses to get unpleasant, you can deal with it as and when, but she could profitably be told to stop putting her own selfish spite ahead of her children's interests.

schokolade Sun 23-Mar-14 14:13:18

so what if she does kick off though, really? she'll just look daft because she doesn't have a leg to stand on, or anything to complain about. whereas if you left them out she might be able to spin that.

MaryWestmacott Sun 23-Mar-14 14:14:03

do it, but keep it a surprise until the day, so they don't feel the have to keep it from their mum and she can't find a reason to scupper it before hand.

schokolade Sun 23-Mar-14 14:14:52

and i'd take the step kid as a surprise (to them), so she can't ruin it before hand.

youarewinning Sun 23-Mar-14 14:14:53

Do it - for all the reasons given in your last post. You'll be damned either way and at least this way the children are happy.

GertTheFlirt Sun 23-Mar-14 14:17:02

I think you are treading on dangerous ground. I have to say I wouldn't take my own children to a scan and I would go ape shit at an outsider taking my children to hers.

I appreciate I am very out dated and old fashioned.

charliefoxtrot Sun 23-Mar-14 14:17:51

I agree that it's a lovely idea, and making a surprise for them would be a nice thing and avoid any secrecy with their mum. However, I also think, screw the ex! You and DP should do what you think is right for the kids. How she feels about it is her problem

minouminou Sun 23-Mar-14 14:18:49

Gert...OP has said this isn't a medical scan...it'll be after all the anomaly/diagnostic stuff has been done.

Also, she's not an outsider, and this baby is a sibling!

SallyMcgally Sun 23-Mar-14 14:19:03

Why do you think children shouldn't go, Gert? Genuinely curious. The OP has said that it will only be once they're sure everything is ok.

NewtRipley Sun 23-Mar-14 14:20:05

Gert

Can I ask, is it that you'd worry about there being something wrong with the baby? If so, that occurred to me too. But the OP has said she'd schedule the scan shortly after another.

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