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To tell you I genuinely have no one

(32 Posts)
AnotherRerun Sat 22-Mar-14 23:59:27

I don't even know why I'm posting here, it just came into my head. I'm in my early 20s, just graduated from uni and realised I don't really have anyone to turn to. All my uni friends have vanished, having turned against me towards the end for reasons I have yet to discover. My other friends are all busy with their own lives and boyfriends and seem to regards me S an inconvenience, another message to be answered to when they get round to it. No guy has ever shown the slightest bit of interest in me, though I try to be friendly and don't think I look like a troll, I have a stupid part time job and have started freaking out at the thought of meeting new people or going too far from home, but at the same time feel I'm wasting my life as I have been forced to move back go e due to finances, so a, one big failure. I feel sick at the thought of food and to top it all off, my So called DB who I thought I could rely on 100% has for some reason this evening gone totally cold on me, completely ignoring my attempts at conversation and acting like I'm something he just scraped off his shoe, I really do t know what to do and just needed to vent.

patienceisvirtuous Sun 23-Mar-14 00:02:27

I'm sorry you're feeling shit OP. Do you have parents who could offer support? Or other relatives?

hiddenhome Sun 23-Mar-14 00:03:00

You have no parents?

AwfulMaureen Sun 23-Mar-14 00:04:39

ReRun it sounds like you're really low....please make sure you come back here as you will get the best support on MN...there are some very wise people here and they really care too.

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Mar-14 00:04:52

You haven't failed in anything smile

How long have you felt freaked out at the thought of meeting new people or going too far from home?

Do you have any other anxieties? If you have, have you talked to anyone (like your GP etc) about them?

I feel the same at meeting new people and I think some of it leaks out and might make me seem awkward or aloof, and that can be a bit of a barrier to people making the effort to get to know you.

Could that have happened at all with you OP?

NurseyWursey Sun 23-Mar-14 00:08:54

You're not a failure, you've just graduated - well done!!

Is your anxiety affecting your relationships do you think? Like agent said it's worth getting a bit of help if so.

And you're not alone alone, you always have us to talk to if that's any consolation! thanks

cinnamontoast Sun 23-Mar-14 00:11:22

Just about to head off to bed but didn't want you to be left without any response and feeling even more alone.
If it's any consolation, I think the year after you leave university is a really tough time - the first time ever that you're adrift without a routine and no longer part of an institution where there are potential friends on tap. It must be very distressing to feel you've lost your uni friends but honestly, those friendships often fall apart anyway. As for no guy ever showing any interest in you, maybe you just haven't noticed! At your age, I didn't believe I was worthy of much interest, so I just dismissed any signs that anyone was. Anyway, it doesn't mean they never will be interested.
I know this kind of statement can be annoying but you really, truly have the rest of your life ahead of you and there's no reason to believe it shouldn't be wonderful.
Maybe tackle things one at a time: look for a new job; try to revive some old friendships or strengthen potential new ones; ignore your brother until he learns to behave. But look after yourself, try to eat something delicious, even if you can only manage a little, and never ever ever EVER give up!
If you were my daughter (I'm old enough to be your mother), I would give you a big hug right now.

cinnamontoast Sun 23-Mar-14 00:12:35

So glad that since I started writing my post, lots of other people have responded. You see - you are very definitely not alone.

AnotherRerun Sun 23-Mar-14 00:23:04

Thankyou all so much, it sounds ridiculous but its nice just to know people are listening. My parents are well meaning but not particularly approachable. They split up when I was very young, and I've always been more like my DMs equal growing p than her daughter - she treated me very much older than I was and used me asa sounding board quite a lot. She also treats me quite badly when she's had a drink, but doesn't mean to. My Ddad wants to be my friend not my parent. I know I have issues with anxiety, but I've always tried to sort of push them down and hope they go away, not very productive I know! And it probably does affect my relationships with people, I just feel I give my all, and people turn on me or let me down. Without being big headed, I genuinely think I'm a pretty decent person and a good friend, but I've gone out of my way for friends on multiple occasions only to be dropped like a stone a while later. I starting to think its really me with the problem as it has happened so often...I think growing up I never had time for relationships, as it was very pressed upon me to study hard and be the breakout star of the family, my DB less so being younger. Just wanted to say thanks so much to everyone, your lovely responses have actually made me cry smile

NurseyWursey Sun 23-Mar-14 00:25:52

It's not ridiculous at all. I've been in your position and speaking to people on here kept me sane grin

I tried pushing away my anxiety too and it came back to bite me on the arse ha, I was very relieved when I finally did something about it so please consider going to your GP, it does help.

You've done all you need to do, you've got your degree so now it's time to start thinking about you. Find something you enjoy, maybe somewhere you'd make some friends. Is there anything you're really interested it?

Would you mind me asking what you did your degree in btw? Don't worry if you don't want to say!

AgentZigzag Sun 23-Mar-14 00:32:56

People drift in and out of your life all the time, it doesn't mean it's anything you've done or that it'll always be that way.

You've just hit a time when there are a few things all coming at once, it can knock you off balance sometimes.

I could deal with the anxiety much better after I'd accepted it was there and that it was possible to get a measure of control over it.

It doesn't have to necessarily be help through your doctors, there are groups, forum, self help books etc out there, it's not something you're on your own with for sure.

When you've got anxiety it can make you think it must be you, but these things happen to everyone whether they've got anxiety or not, but if you've got it and have a low self esteem as well the impact can seem much bigger than it would be to someone else.

ThatBloodyWoman Sun 23-Mar-14 00:41:47

I was in a situation where I lived alone and loved it.But I then become isolated from my circle of friends because of circumstances, split from my boyfriend, and was hundreds of miles from my family.

I felt loneliness starting to creep in, and it was a very sobering experience.

I actively sought out a plan of attack to become involved in new things, and though it's daunting at first, and you feel that it'll never happen, I reasonably quickly discovered a new circle of friends and my now dh.

Honestly, find something you can get really stuck into, even passionate about, and make a new beginning, abd get excited about the life yoy're going to make for yourself. xxx

systematic Sun 23-Mar-14 01:22:17

Can you make an action plan. List all the things you aspire to and work out what steps you need to take.

Maybe you could tell your brother hoe you are feeling at the moment. Appeal to his compassionate side.

It will pass. Life will move on and things will change.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 23-Mar-14 01:38:05

Pay attention to things that zigzag says she's really jolly sensible

innisglas Sun 23-Mar-14 03:57:55

Lots of good advice here. I think lots of people, including myself, have gone through times like that and it is hard, very hard. But, especially if you follow some of the good advice on here, like finding something to be passionate about, you will find that the darkest hour was before the dawn.

cinnamontoast Sun 23-Mar-14 23:16:55

I read some interesting research about friendships once. Apparently, if someone does something for you, it makes them like you more than if you do something for them. I've always been the kind of person to rush in and do stuff for people I like but after I read this I tried holding back a bit and I did notice that it made a difference. I realised I hadn't always given people space to be my friend before, as I'd been too busy trying to be a friend to them. So try just stepping back slightly in your friendships, OP, and you may find people reaching out to you more.

I hope you're feeling more positive now and life doesn't seem so bleak. Let us know how things go.

AwfulMaureen Sun 23-Mar-14 23:26:41

Cinnamon really! That's fascinating.

32flavours Sun 23-Mar-14 23:33:01

Finishing uni is hard, you go from being surrounded by lots of people to being quite isolated. I know that right now being in a relationship probably seems quite attractive, but try and make the most of being young, free and single. You have no one to answer to and minimal responsibilities, you are free to do whatever you want and that won't always be the case. I know feeling like you have no one is incredibly painful but things do get better I promise.

Pipbin Sun 23-Mar-14 23:42:20

I lost touch with everyone I was at uni with almost immediately after graduating.
You are a group thrown together by circumstance and not necessarily friends for life.

I remember not long after I left uni I moved to a new town and although I was in a relationship I was very lonely. I had no friends at all. I has taken me about 15 years when I got to the stage where I have a good circle of friends.

I have no good advice really. Maybe think about joining a craft club or something?

CrystalBeth Mon 24-Mar-14 00:02:22

OP I've been in your situation (I'm similar age to you) so know how you feel! The advice up thread is good, you need a plan of attack!

Depending on which part of the country you're in I'd be happy to go for coffee with you and introduce you to some new people thanks

Jesuisunepapillon Mon 24-Mar-14 07:16:24

You know a lot of people feel like you. Your twenties can be incredibly tough and isolating and hard. I came straight out of uni into a health issue worsening; my group of very close uni friends all went into jobs, stayed friends, I went home to lie in bed and feel dreadful and they all dropped me. It was devastating. It's no exaggeration to say I knew one person for the next two years. That's obviously extreme, as I was very ill but I promise you with the job market as it is right now there are so many people in your boat.

Anyway, huge congratulations on your degree. Have you thought about volunteering? That is great for self esteem. It's also really good to find a hobby which you can turn to to fill the hours. Knitting is very popular no ways with young people, there might well be a group near you where you can make some new friends. Wishing you lots of luck, things will get better. (Says someone who whilst still ill now has lots and lots of lovely friends)

rabbitlady Mon 24-Mar-14 07:22:45

take a deep breath. you have no-one, you say. fine. many, many people are in the same position. sometimes it hurts, sometimes its ok. think about yourself, what you want, and little by little start to build it.

Latara Mon 24-Mar-14 12:42:33

Hope you are feeling a bit better today and that your DB is being less shitty.

I recommend looking at different jobs - not necessarily graduate jobs atm unless you feel up to it, but something else part time that will build your confidence and get you more friends like working in a coffee shop or care work.
Or voluntary work in a hospital, giving out the teas to elderly patients would build your sense of self worth.
Or look at post-grad courses.
Meanwhile re-jig your CV and get advice from careers services.

Don't worry too much about boyfriends and social life right now - you've got the rest of your 20s and 30s to be having boyfriends and going out socially, and it will happen.
(Ok I'm 37 and didn't get any long term boyfriends but my boyfriend issues were because I let men treat me badly and manipulate me which you're not going to do because you will build your self-esteem first!!
I've always had a good social life though, you just have to make some friends and acquaintances first which you will find happens when you start working, volunteering and joining places you like).

One thing that my sister's friend found useful was going to classes at the local gym - for example, circuits where there's a good mix of men and women. People of all ages go and are quite friendly. Without trying too hard she's now got a group of friends to socialise with.
My sister's trying to get me to do the same because my current group of friends are lovely but now don't like going out at night which I still enjoy - frustrating!

Come back and chat on any threads on MN as well as it's very friendly.
Facebook is good for chatting to old friends and distant relatives, you may even make new friends on there from round the world if you join pages and groups.

Berts Mon 24-Mar-14 12:58:05

Hmm, your parents sound a bit needy and demanding, and maybe you've been going for the wrong friends, based on this template.

I read somewhere recently that the way to attract nice friends is to let them do nice things for you - if you turn down offers of help, you are rejecting the friendship of nice people.

Conversely, if you always go out of your way for other people, expecting nothing in return, you attract a lot of users who won't be there for you when you need them!

Possiblestudentteacher Tue 25-Mar-14 07:56:49

Hello, sorry you're feeling so down sad I'm a third year who's just about to graduate and who has also been dealing with anxiety for several years. I really relate to what you say about relationships, however personally I've always found that it's generally me projecting my anxieties onto the relationships and the other person thinks we're fine! It's very confusing! I second trying to find a new group to go to/thing to do, maybe volunteering? (then you feel good about what you're doing too) smile

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