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to think my mum doesnt love me the way I love dd?

(33 Posts)
harriet247 Sat 22-Mar-14 18:35:27

Sorry if this gets long..
Basically Ive always knowmy mum was different to other peoples mums, bit now i have dd its so glaringly obvious sad
Just had another visit from her which made me feel crap. This is the sort of thing she does..
1.will tell anyone who will listen that i was a horrible child, always ill always crying.
2.that i was a thief as a child (this stems from me being caught pinching 40p and a wispa bar.once.)
3.im different to my high achieving sister.
4.that i make up stories from childhood (silly things like going to a restaurant or my friends coat etc that really happened)
5.that i am abusive whem im angry.
6. That me and one other sister needed smacking but our younger sister didnt.

Just looking at my beautiful dd i cant ever imagine saying these things about her. I dont know one cute story about me as a kid.sad
She can be nice and warm when she wants but i just never know who im opening the door to when she visits if that makes sense?
Anyone have any experience of this?

ScottishInSwitzerland Sat 22-Mar-14 18:44:26

Maybe she's mentally ill - if you are saying she can be two (or more?) different people.

I think also though different people love in different ways. I had to accept that with my dad, who never really did the unconditional love thing. My dad did love me. Just in his own way, which wasn't mine. Does that make any sense?? It does in my head.

LondonForTheWeekend Sat 22-Mar-14 19:11:17

Have you ever tackled her about it?

Beamur Sat 22-Mar-14 19:16:00

YANBU
Sadly sometimes our parents just don't feel the same way about us as we do about our own children.
Having a child of your own who you love deeply and unconditionally can make you really see your relationship with your own parents in a different way, and not always in a good way!
Sorry you're in this club, but think carefully about how much contact you want with your Mum and how this affects both you and your DD.

Slippydippysoap Sat 22-Mar-14 19:16:31

I feel like this OP. I only realised after DD was born that my mom doesn't really love me and perhaps she just can't. It makes me really sad but more for her than me.

Mrswellyboot Sat 22-Mar-14 19:20:33

That is sad OP. I don't think there is any point tackling her.

Mine was very negative towards me. Now I have a baby she is all over him kissing him. She never did that with me. Didn't even buy sanitary products but bought brand new stuff for the house and for herself all the time. Said her life was ruined by having us. It hurt.

All you can do is be the total opposite to your child xxx

rabbitlady Sat 22-Mar-14 19:21:04

might i recommend the 'stately homes' thread? probably in 'relationships'.

i remember when my very distant father met my daughter and became her sweet cuddly granddad. that hurt and took me a long time to get used to.

in fact, having a daughter has really shown up how poor the parenting i received really was. i'm in therapy. and hoping for more.

so, as usual, i say 'go to the gp and ask for counselling'.

if i ever have a gravestone (unlikely, no grave) it would have on it 'here lies rabbitlady. she went to the gp and asked for counselling. repeatedly. and recommended it to all her family and friends.'

Nomama Sat 22-Mar-14 19:21:40

Not saying OP or anyone else here is like this but...

Have you ever wondered, given the number of 'weird mum' threads if ALL mums do such things? And if YOU will at some point?

harriet247 Sat 22-Mar-14 19:22:06

I did lose it with her last year, she had ditched seeing me and dd again for spending time with a friend and i said she was unbelievable and being abusive. I didnt say anything personal just pointed out it was the third time and i was devastated. She didnt talk to me for 2 months.
I do feel sorry for her sometimes, the only reason we stay in touch is because she can be magically nice for two weeks before changing again :/
She will never be spending time alone with dd. I havent said that categorically to her but i just dont trust her - she often lies about who she is with/where etc for no obvious reason.

harriet247 Sat 22-Mar-14 19:23:32

Thanks rabbitlady i will x

harriet247 Sat 22-Mar-14 19:24:10

Sorry i said she was unbelievable and she called me abusive *

Zara8 Sat 22-Mar-14 19:24:38

YANBU

it was only after my beautiful DS was born that I realised how screwed up my parents were, and quite frankly, they were really shit parents that shouldn't have had children. I have not been in contact with my parents for many years. I wondered if I would have more sympathy/understanding for them once I had children - in fact it was quite the opposite!!

No physical abuse just lots and lots of emotional and verbal abuse.

I am 100% certain my mother had very serious undiagnosed mental health issues. My father was just an enabler/bully/screwed up.

My mother has died and I have nothing to do with my father. I would not risk letting him in any way come into contact with my children. OP, think about the degree of contact you have with your mother if she behaves this way. Even if she is nice to your DD, there is the negative effect on you that her behaviour will have, and your DD will pick up on this. You don't want to teach your daughter that it's ok for people to be able to speak to you like that.

Zara8 Sat 22-Mar-14 19:27:56

Nomama, no parent is perfect and no childhood is perfect. However most people (well most people that I have met!) don't have to actively work to undo layers and layers of psychological damage and cruel self-defeating conditioning caused by their upbringing....!

It may seem online like "everybody" has issues with their parents, but that's just selective bias - people who don't have problems aren't going to seek help on forums!

Minshu Sat 22-Mar-14 19:43:32

I hear mainly negative stories about my deceased mother's childhood from my gran (her mother). Makes me sad, but I think my gran would be offered assistance for PND if this happened in 2014 instead of 1944 when she just "had to get on with it", living with her in-laws, husband away, only 6 weeks off work to have a baby. To be honest, I think this made my mum be more determined to demonstrate to my brother and I the unconditional love she didn't feel she got from her mum. My gran did love her and was devastated when she died, but was often critical and obviously favoured her son.

DameBabsLoveCheese Sat 22-Mar-14 19:44:16

I could have written your OP & Zara's post. How horrible that there are so many of us about hmm

FWIW, my DM was all over my children when they were babies. With each of them though, she literally turned into the mum I remember her being with me overnight when they turned 4 or so. She has behaved unforgivably towards my eldest DS who has ADHD & it hurts more to witness than anything she ever did to me.

Like Zara said, I'm pretty certain my mum has complex undisguised MH issues. I'm by no means a perfect mum. I have a temper like my mum but I am determined my children will grow up knowing they're loved.

Nomama Sat 22-Mar-14 19:46:41

I appreciate that, I meant that the wide range of things that upset us about DMs, MILs etc made me wonder if it is possible to raise a child without doing something that is perceived like this?

Maybe it is part of the mother / daughter relationship.... something in the mother's character will eventually be inflamed by something in her daughter's /DILs character until her behaviour becomes seriously detrimental to the MH of her daughter / DIL.

I say it because I don't think I know a grown woman who has never had a serious issue with their DM and/or MIL.

BuzzardBird Sat 22-Mar-14 19:50:52

My mother was shit to me and my dd might as well not exist as far as she is concerned. She is never nice and loving. I have no idea what I did wrong. She is nice to my siblings (1 of 5) and their dc's. I will never, ever treat my dd that way. <bitter but still trying>

mixedpeel Sat 22-Mar-14 19:53:05

Sympathies to all on this thread who are in this particular club. Me too, though my mum wasn't abusive as such. Since having my own children I've realised she just wasn't particularly maternal. We were fed and safe, just never hugged, told we were loved, or had much interest taken in what we were doing.

I nearly started a thread about my dad last night along these lines. He was more of a distant, authoritative figure in my childhood. My mum was also scared of him. He left when I was a teenager (leaving her for the daughter of our next door neighbour, who had moved out some years ago but it turned out they'd been conducting an illicit affair for most of that time). His main line of communication with me was constantly criticising my appearance and raving about long-legged, blonde willowy beauties. I take after my mum, short, tree trunk legs, thick ankles (he had a thing about my so-called thick ankles. I now realise it was a constant reminder to him that he'd had children with this 'unattractive' (by his measure) woman, but it was, and is, pretty demoralising.)

I now find it hard to be myself around him, and resent him for not knowing me, if that makes any sense. He is in a long term relationship with another woman (the relationship he left my mum for years ago didn't last), and I feel like he thinks he's found the family he wishes he'd had. He now has a step-daughter, and all I hear is how clever and beautiful she is (yup, guess what, she's blonde, willowy and attractive.). She's getting married this year, and he's involved with all these exciting plans yadda yadda, and how gorgeous she's going to look.

He didn't even come to my wedding.

I guess I'm putting all this down because it's kind of cathartic, so thanks for starting the thread, OP. I do think that you are in a worse position, because your mum sounds much more poisonous than mine, with all those unpleasant comments. Both my parents are at least consistently disinterested, rather than veering from nicey-nicey to putting the boot in.

No solution for you, but at least you can know from mine and other comments that you are not the only one whose mum was "not like other mums."

lunar1 Sat 22-Mar-14 19:58:46

I feel the same. Every year older my children get my opinion of my mum gets worse.

She never had unconditional love for me. She put her needs first every time. She still tells everyone she meets what a difficult child I was and how hard I made her life.

She couldn't put any of my issues down to the lack of stability and parenting she provided.

I guess she loves me in her own way but it doesn't compare to my feelings to my children. I would do anything for them, for me she did what was best for her.

TheBody Sat 22-Mar-14 20:06:05

some parents simply love themselves more than their kids.

some just don't love their kids. there's nothing you can do, you can't force love.

as parents we would die in an instant for our kids. I guess nearly rbery poster on mumsnet would too and I belive that's the majority but sadly some don't.

Jellymum1 Sat 22-Mar-14 20:18:22

Urgh. Same here. But after having my own dd after the initial torture of trying so hard not to be my mum I wasnt really myself either...I finally now trust im a good mum and im nothing like my mum. I do think there is a generational thing too. Our parents deffo seem to punish us for their shit childhoods

SummerSevern Sat 22-Mar-14 20:36:23

sadI thought I was alone in this.
My DM can be really vile to me. Even so-laid-back-he's-horizontal DH hates the way she is with me. I pray to God I don't turn out like that. I never want to make my dd feel the way she makes me feel.
It also hurts me that she's all over dd like a rash. She complains if she hasn't seen her in a day, and yet prior to me having her, she would happily go weeks without seeing me. I feel like telling her that she can't be a half arsed parent and then expect to be a full on grandparent.
But I won't. Because I hate confrontation.

catsmother Sat 22-Mar-14 20:40:35

What mixedpeel wrote also applies to me:

"Sympathies to all on this thread who are in this particular club. Me too, though my mum wasn't abusive as such. Since having my own children I've realised she just wasn't particularly maternal. We were fed and safe, just never hugged, told we were loved, or had much interest taken in what we were doing".

My mum still takes no real interest in me and I'm pretty sure her attitude while I was growing up is the root cause of my near crippling lack of self esteem - which has had a massive negative impact upon many aspects of my adult life - "career", friendships, relationships, lost opportunities (which I was too frightened to attempt).

I have been very determined to ensure my children know they are loved and know that I am interested in them and will be there for them and will always do what I can to support them.

I just hope I've succeeded because I'd hate them to feel like I do.

Oh - and I never expected my mum to be perfect .... I don't expect that of anyone. But, you know, it would just have been nice - would still be nice actually - to feel that she actually gave a shit.

I am still regularly gobsmacked when I see close, loving and supportive mother-daughter relationships. They amaze me ..... how do they happen ? Well, actually, I guess they happen when the mother raises the daughter like I described above ... I am close to my daughter and hope that continues when she's an adult. But then you just end up wondering why you weren't "good enough" and/or what was "wrong" with you so that that didn't happen for you ??

Xfirefly Sat 22-Mar-14 20:48:47

Felt this with my dad. He could be very abusive to my mum, never showed me and DSis any affection..I can only remember him hugging me once in 25 years. if you asked him to do anything he'd do it but his temper is awful and can be very critical (you're getting fat, what the fuck you done to your hair) . But when DD was born he turned smitten...making a massive fuss..lots of cuddles ..playing toys with her. even though I'm happy hes like this , I'm also mad because he's the reason I suffer awful anxiety and we never had nothing like that growing up. I couldn't imagine treating my DD how he could treat us sometimes sad

TheGreatHunt Sat 22-Mar-14 20:58:08

Yep. I barely keep contact with my mum

I have to admit when I was pregnant with ds I was terrified of the idea of having a daughter as didn't want to repeat mum's mistakes. I then had DD and I still worry but really try. To be honest I love them both so much and shower them with love and affection so hopefully it will be okay.

My mum didn't stand much chance though - her mum died at 4, at which point she was shipped off to boarding school while her brother stayed with family. I'm not surprised she was so hands off with us - she also lost my sister at 3 months when I was 4.

Here's hoping we are all better parents than our own.

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