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To not want it all to be about you?

(21 Posts)
CakeWillDo Sat 22-Mar-14 16:08:23

AIBU to expect a conversation to be aknowledged? Most of the time, when I talk to DM or DF about whats going on here, the conversation is either brushed over totally in favour of their news about DM. Or the old 'I had that' or something similar is roled out. DM has told me about her progress with her life long condition today. I have aknowledged this, praised her strength and ability to cope etc. (genuinely) As I know she needs to feel listened to. (but my god it gets boring, after years) I tagged on the end that DC2 has just shown up chicken pox today. Her reply...more about her. not even I hope DGC is ok? Sometimes I just want to shout WTF?!angry

so MN's in case you care enough to wonder. DC2 realy isn't well and hasn't been for the last 24 hours. it's obviously causing a lot of pain. but no DM lets get back to talking about what's going on with you. It's not like we had the same chat, every time we have spoken the last two weeks, is it?!!.ggrrrrr!!

Nomama Sat 22-Mar-14 16:29:05

I haven't been feeling right myself I thought it was that thing you know the thing that's been on the telly but you could be right I could have chickenpox too and it is so much worse when you are older will you help me get an appointment I'd do it myself but you know how my back is her next door says I'm a martyr to my back I should never have got rid of that lovely padded coat that would have kept my back warm did I tell you the Tesco van delivers here for free now I must have the driver is a lovely man almost like family.....

NadiaWadia Sat 22-Mar-14 16:36:27

I have heard it said that people do get more self centred and set in their ways as they age. Also more right wing. So you have to smile and nod a bit.

But not even to enquire about her GDC when she's been told they're ill - that's bad. I would have to say something. Like 'Mum sorry but I really can't concentrate right now. I am too worried about DC2'. Hopefully she will be mortified when she realises.

CountessOfRule Sat 22-Mar-14 16:36:52

Get well soon minicake. Bicarbonate in the bath and ice lollies if any spots develop in his mouth. Poor wee sausage.

DH made my cancer scare all about him. It's very draining.

NadiaWadia Sat 22-Mar-14 16:37:11

DGCs obviously.

BuggarMeGently Sat 22-Mar-14 16:44:11

Sorry you're having a shit time of it hon. Have some thanks, a brew and some cake. Sorry there's no [selfish twat punching glove] emoticon

tethersend Sat 22-Mar-14 16:47:12

Enough about me, what do you think about me?

LiberalLibertine Sat 22-Mar-14 16:48:20

countess how did he manage that? selfish fuck

CakeWillDo Sat 22-Mar-14 16:54:30

Countess that sounds very difficult to cope with, on top of an already scary time. A very (unmumsnet) huge hug.thanks

CountessOfRule Sat 22-Mar-14 17:10:34

Without making the thread all about me... wink

Everything was about how frightened he was and how the hours I was in surgery were some of the longest of his life and what would he have done if I'd died...

... and every time I just thought "Fuck you - I'm the one who was in pain / facing surgery / wondering or organising what to do with then-7mo food-refusing so effectively still ebf DS".

He is still incapable of seeing that time as something that happened to me. Ho hum.

Long story short: it was benign and non-recurrent and they got it all in one laparoscopic procedure which I recovered pretty quickly from and we now have two other DC. Food refuser is now brilliant eater with long, hollow legs!

But for the OP and the topic at hand, I think this kind of behaviour is simply selfishness, possibly narcissism (DH ticks a lot of narc boxes although in fairness he knows this now and does try to react better). They lack the empathy to consider that the world doesn't revolve around them; they see situations only as they affect them themselves.

Euphemia Sat 22-Mar-14 17:24:25

My MIL is like this. My dad had cancer for the last few years of his life: occasionally she'd ask after him and I would say he hadn't been too well, no appetite, etc., and she would butt in with "Oh I've been feeling terrible recently - I've hardly been out! And this weather!" hmm

CakeWillDo Sat 22-Mar-14 17:27:21

Wow Countess, that must have taken some strength to cope with. Glad it had a good result with your illness.

I do think (thanks to MN education) that DM has NPD. I'm much better at dealing with it all now. I adjusted how I react and accepted I can't change her. But this is so much harder when it involves my DC's. Admittedly it probably wouldn't bother me so much, if DC wasn't in so much pain and unwell. Of course at a later date the concerned grandparent routine will be given to anyone who will listenhmm .

Ohbyethen Sat 22-Mar-14 17:29:03

Countess sad very glad you are well.

Cake - I hope cakepop is very quickly on the mend. Yy to bicarb baths, calpol or appropriate for fever and ice cream in front of junk tv. This worked for me and I remember it making such a difference (apart from the awful sticky tightness of calamine lotion, just no) I did the same for all my dc. The only thing I added was a bigger bowl of ice cream and junkier tv for me when they slept...I may even have indulged in squirty cream and I don't even believe that's a foodstuff.
Take care of you to, possibly by avoiding pils until things are back to normal.

Ohbyethen Sat 22-Mar-14 17:41:30

Sorry, your DM not DMIL I think I got confused with my posters. Apologies. And x posted

My actual mother is similar. It was galling at first but actually enough people have been the victim of her manipulation that she has shown her true colours and is no longer believed. A bit of emotional detachment is very helpful.

moobaloo Sat 22-Mar-14 17:44:43

Bicarbonate baths! Poor dc. Hope they're feeling better soon!

What is this NPD of which you speak? Not heard of it before

Xxx

CountessOfRule Sat 22-Mar-14 17:48:37

Have a look at the Wikipedia entry for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Then you can Google the various "is my DM/DH a narcissist?" quizzes which prompt you to assess whether that person displays narc characteristics. Terribly interesting.

MammaTJ Sat 22-Mar-14 17:50:19

It is hard going dealing with people like this. Always, always being about them!

Hope your little one is on the mend. Aquaous cream with calamine lotion in it is very soothing and I only paid about £1.50 for a tub.

Much less drying than the old calamine lotion used to be!

Countess, my own medical drama, in my head, is more about them than me. More because I was totally unaware. I was in ITU having had DS by EMCS under GA. My girls were brought to say goodbye to me. It must have been so worrying for them (DD1 was 10, DD2 1 year old) and DP, but DP never talks about it from that perspective. I didn't have a clue. Totally different to what happened to you of course, as you knew about it all and had all the worry.

CakeWillDo Sat 22-Mar-14 17:54:09

Thank you for all the tips for cakepop. (love that name)

NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It was a revelation when I realised that's what had messed up a lot of my life. Im in a much better place and aside from this moan, I don't get upset by it now. Might be because there aren't any significant events to ruin nowhmm .

TheBody Sat 22-Mar-14 17:55:19

op there are drains and radiators.

radiater people generate warmth and empathy and make you feel better.

drains suck it all in and make it all about them.

2 distinct types.

BrokenToeOuch Sat 22-Mar-14 18:38:26

Another CP tip is porridge oats stuffed into a sock tied up, placed in the bath water. Keep squeezing it to release all the milky oaty goodness. Bicarb isn't recommended for enamel baths so we did this twice a day. Use socks without holes though, and be prepared to throw them away! Ds spots appeared, dried up and stabbed within 4 days and I put it down to rubbing him with a porridge sock!

CakeWillDo Sun 23-Mar-14 09:21:54

I loved your post Thebody, very true.

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