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To not feel guilty. (Sorry long and rambling just feels good to write it all out)

(16 Posts)
BigBalloonHigherThan Sat 22-Mar-14 14:46:45

Have namechanged but I'm sure I've talked about this on here before. If you recognise me please don't out my nickname. It's more healing writing it all down tbh.

My dad has Parkinson's and was living with me full time until last July. It's been really tough for me. I had my DS whilst still being a full time carer for my dad. Even when asking my "d"b and sil for help when DS was born, they didn't do jack shit. 6 weeks post birth still struggling, I was dealing with my dad's fecal incontinence. My brother came and took him to the GP and then I never saw him again for about 2 months. Not even a phone call. I fucking hate him for that and will never forget it.

There were countless more times I needed help and I never got it from him or his wife. I stopped asking them for help very quickly. To cut a very long story short, my 2 brothers discussed it behind my back and moved dad because my house was a mess and I was obviously struggling. All I needed was a little help and a little break on the weekends. Apparently I was doing a bad job, not help and they could do a better job.

Fast forward 8 months and they're getting pissed off with my dad. He's had loads of falls, has broken his hand loads of times. I still bring him to my house whenever I can, but with another little baby it's not that frequent. They get pissed off when he falls and say it interferes with their work and weekend activities.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I booked tickets to a theme park for my family. All this week they've been messaging me every other day asking me to lookafter dad, and I've had to refuse once because I had appointments. I just got another message asking me to lookafter him tomorrow because they're going to sil's sister's house. I've obviously said no again.

They're trying to make me feel guilty for not helping. The truth is, I never did anything for fun on my birthday since leaving university. I've always looked after my dad and have always had that responsibility. I feel like its my turn to have some quality time with my small children and DH but they're constantly phoning and messaging me to take dad.

So I'm trying to force myself to not feel guilty, but I love my dad. I didn't want him to move. I've pre booked these tickets but I know I won't enjoy my birthday or time with family now.

I fucking hate them.

BakerStreetSaxRift Sat 22-Mar-14 14:58:50

You have prior arrangements, so why should you have to cancel your plans so they can do theirs?

By all means help out at other times, maybe next week if you can.

Nomama Sat 22-Mar-14 14:59:25

Text back:

I am not dad's carer, I am his daughter. I am not here to make your lives easier, I am your sister. I do not live in a vacuum, I have others who depend on me.

Now you have 2 choices, share the caring for our father or drown me in responsibility until I scream for help.

HELP ME!!!

Nomama Sat 22-Mar-14 15:00:58

Sorry, I didn't absorb the fact that your dad is not in your home all the time now.

I'll have a rethink...

Cookiepants Sat 22-Mar-14 15:01:57

YANBU, maybe they will appreciate how hard it was for you without support.

My MIL has MS and PILS are always phoning my DH to go to the shops/bank and run errands despite the fact his (adult with a full drivers licence) brother still lives at home and is not working.

Enjoy your birthday

NoodleOodle Sat 22-Mar-14 15:02:46

Turn your phone off, enjoy your birthday. Afterwards, arrange to meet all together and work out a plan of shared caring, and who will be "on-call" for backup during each person's turn caring.

Nomama Sat 22-Mar-14 15:04:24

I am sorry, I am out with my family celebrating my birthday. Maybe we could all get together later in the week?

Don't feel guilty, they are relying on that. You have allowed that to happen. Take a deep breath. They are perfectly capable of coping and organising themselves around your dad's needs without commandeering the life of your DH and DCs. They just find it easier to burden you, because you are easily guilted.

Have a lovely birthday and practice one sentence : it was one day in the year and it was MINE!

rookiemater Sat 22-Mar-14 15:07:39

I hope you have a great birthday.

I feel sorry for all of you. Parkinsons is a really hard disease and it's a testament to how much you and your DBs must love your DF that each of you have had him at home for periods.

Is it time to sit down with your DBs and work out what the options are? Unfortunately it sounds like your DF needs round the clock care and that's difficult to provide.

Is there bad history between yourself and your DBs? You seem to really hate theam.

justkeeponsmiling Sat 22-Mar-14 15:10:11

Op,myou sound like a lovely, caring daughter who has tried extremely hard to care for her father for a very long time and has been putting herself last throughtout this. It's time for your brothers to man up to their responsibilities.
You have absolutely no reason for feeling guilty - good on you for realising this!
Your brothers sound like uncaing fucking arseholes tbh, and it sounds like they will only keep bringing you down - I would distance myself as much as possible from them and their family. You don't need to give them a reason or justify yourself for not looking after your dad - just text back "no I can't, I'm busy" or the like.
Hope you have a wonderful birthday!

diddl Sat 22-Mar-14 15:10:15

Sounds as if none of you are in a position to offer the care he needs tbh.

He has fallen & broken his hand multiple times.

Am disgusted that GP or A&E or wherever he was taken hasn't flagged anything up.

OlympiaFox Sat 22-Mar-14 15:31:45

yanbu but you should contact social services to see how they can help your father, it must be terrible for him to be stuck with impatient arseholes who get angry with him for breaking bones, their treatment of him needs to be investigated, he's so vulnerable.

OurMiracle1106 Sat 22-Mar-14 15:36:44

My response would be I'm sorry as you are aware it is my birthday tomorrow so I have other plans already in place to spend with my family. I suggest if you need help you actually sit down and work out what help is needed and we can discuss who is able to do what and whether a third party (ie adult social services even if it's only respite breaks) needs to be involved also

BigBalloonHigherThan Sat 22-Mar-14 15:46:35

I do help whenever I can, more so when he first moved because I know how hard it is, but I then had my baby and admittedly haven't helped as much since.

I've already done the no contact thing and it helped me gather myself together again. It's harder now because if I don't meet/talk to them it means I can't meet my dad. Horrible situation.

Thanks diddl and Olympia but social services are already involved. He has an occupational therapist and the whole house has been fitted with handrails and things to make his life easier. I don't think they would be impatient to his face but they do it behind his back to me and I hate it.

Finola1step Sat 22-Mar-14 15:48:40

You shouldn't feel guilty.

But at some point in the near future, all 3 of you need to get together and talk. It sounds like that none of you can care for your dad properly. Which is perfectly understandable.

You have to devise a plan. You could try one month each at a time. You should be talking to social services. You may need to consider a care home.

All of this is too much for one person. It is incredibly hard when your relationship with your parent switches and you find yourself having to parent your parent. I have been there and it was incredibly painful. But the fact that myself and my sister were on the same side and in agreement in the tough decisions, made it so much more bearable.

By all means, go out and enjoy the day. Have a great time. But you need to actually talk to your brothers ASAP.

JuliaScurr Sat 22-Mar-14 15:53:43

contact social services about carers' assessments, direct payments for assistants, respite care and so on

there should be some support so your dad can stay with family rather than residential care

Trooperslane Sat 22-Mar-14 15:54:11

Do not feel guilty for one second. Enjoy your birthday op

winewinewinethanksthanksthanks

And fucking hell Cookie sad thanks for you.

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