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He wants her overnight

(13 Posts)
LittleDonkeyKong Fri 21-Mar-14 21:42:24

My STBXH has asked to have our 6 mo DD for a whole weekend. We also have a 3.6 DD. We separated in March last year and since the baby was born in September he has seen the kids 3 times the last being at the end of December when he dropped our eldest DD off after he had her for 4 days. When he dropped her off he didn't even come in to see our youngest as he apparently didn't have time!

He is in the forces and is based a 5 hour drive away but this is no excuse for his lack of contact, He never rings or Skypes to speak to older DD. He says he's too skint to drive up and that's why there will be an almost 4 month gap between his last visit and the next.

I said to him that there is no way he is having her overnight as she will have absolutely no idea who he is. He thinks I'm being unreasonable as her is her father and he should be able to have her for a weekend.

He was never an involved parent with our eldest and when she was a baby he never woke to do night feeds and if she was crying he would straight away hand her back to me.

I would feel VERY uncomfortable him having her as she has had no contact with his family and she will be among strangers.

Since she was born I have told his mum that my door is always open for visitors but none of his family have been to visit.

AIBU????

jellybeans Fri 21-Mar-14 22:14:03

YANBU I would hate that. He should build up contact for the sake of DC if he hasn't had regular contact. Should be thinking of the children's welfare not his 'rights'. I don't see the need for over nights till much older personally!

BornFreeButinChains Fri 21-Mar-14 22:14:43

Of course he should be able to have her, once he has visited and established a proper bond with her, got to know her and her routine and she has got to know him and feels comfortable round him and YOU as the primary career feel comfortable with her going there.

rabbitlady Fri 21-Mar-14 22:18:24

say no. you aren't sure she'll be ok with people she hardly knows. if he had any empathy with her he'd understand that.

attheendoftheday Fri 21-Mar-14 22:19:30

YANBU. He needs to build up contact with both children slowly and regularly before having them overnight or for a weekend. Also, I would think 6 months is far too young to be away from the primary carer for a weekend.

Say no, op. I don't think a court would give weekend access in that situation. Offer staged daytime contact instead, to build up to overnight contact in the future when the dc are old enough, know him well enough, and he has practice at looking after them.

LittleDonkeyKong Fri 21-Mar-14 22:22:22

That's the thing though, I know he is never going to have a proper bond with her as his visits are so sporadic and he seems so uninterested in spending time with her and is always in a rush to pick up eldest DD and continue his journey to his mothers which is 2 hours away from mine. I don't think I will feel at all comfortable with youngest DD going to stay with him as the bond and him actually knowing her will not be the same as with eldest DD.

LittleDonkeyKong Fri 21-Mar-14 22:23:59

I have no problem with him having eldest DD for the weekend as she knows he's her daddy and has a bond with him and her nana and other members of his family.

InsertAwesomeNickname Fri 21-Mar-14 22:34:01

YANBU stand your ground. Tell him if he wants to work up to the overnight contact with your youngest you will support it but that to her he is a stranger regardless of genetics.

Sounds like he won't bother TBH but try and encourage him to take you up on it. It would be sad for your youngest to see her older sister going off with their Dad when she is older while she is left behind.

LittleDonkeyKong Fri 21-Mar-14 22:38:24

That is exactly what I don't want to happen InsertAwesomeNickname! Him and all his family know my door is always open and I feel so sad that none of them seem at all bothered about getting to know her. I just don't know what I can do.

InsertAwesomeNickname Fri 21-Mar-14 22:58:33

I know it's hard LittleDonkey my DD's father has zero interest in her. All you can do is make sure they know the door is open.

Could you speak to your MIL, try and help her build a relationship with your youngest. I do know it's not the most appealing option, I have had many up's and downs with my ExMil but almost 3 years on I'm glad I pushed for their relationship.

thanks sorry you are having to deal with this. It's bloody awful and complicated but your ex needs to step up and if he doesn't I'm sorry to say it sounds like your baby is better off without.

I'm a strong believer in one parent is better than two when one is indifferent or uninterested.

LittleDonkeyKong Fri 21-Mar-14 23:03:41

He seems to think because he has asked to have her for a weekend that makes him a great dad! He doesn't understand that he is a stranger to her and 48 hours in her world will seem like a lifetime without me! It would seem like forever for me too. It breaks my heart just to imagine her crying hysterically as she doesn't know these people and they don't know how to settle her and she just wants her mummy. I have decided there is no way he is having the baby to stay and I cant see him taking her without me for a very long time.

Goldmandra Fri 21-Mar-14 23:14:18

he is her father and he should be able to have her for a weekend.

He is missing a very basic point about contact. It is for the benefit of the child, not the parent. What should happen is whatever supports her well being and her relationship with her father. What he is proposing does neither of those.

InsertAwesomeNickname Fri 21-Mar-14 23:16:26

I think you're making the right decision. I also think what he wants is peace of mind for himself but he isn't taking tour daughters feelings into consideration either.

Would you be open to mediation?

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