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To think I am going to get done over in a divorce because I worked so hard and did everything or should I just stfu and get on with it

(20 Posts)
StickMe Fri 21-Mar-14 20:01:58

Was married 13 years
Earned same as dh for first couple of years then I had dc. One ended up needing a lot of hospital treatment. Dh refused to cut down his hours to help so I ended up having to quit my job to take care of dc. Stayed at home for around 5ish years till youngest in school. Admittedly in this time dh paid the mortgage but I lived off the savings I made when I was working while dh's salary paid the house bills (I paid for food, clothes, baby stuff etc out of savings).

Went back to same profession. Earned under what dh was earning. Started paying most of the bills plus all the childcare plus a portion of the mortgage and agreed that what I saved would go towards renovating the house.

A year before we broke up, I got a massive promotion and started out earning him. I paid off the rest of the mortgage (half the original mortgage) plus had paid the renovations for the house.

Dh never pulled his weight at home. Even though I was working full time I was still doing all the stuff with the kids at home, all the cooking, all the washing and in the end, I just realised there was nothing left to our relationship.

Going through a divorce and even though he contributed the sum total of fuck all help with the kids, and all he really contributed with the house was 5 years of paying the mortgage, he is now entitled to half the house plus potentially a maintenance amount from me because I earn more than he does. I mean fgs.

Someone said to me men have suffered this for years but what they alluded to was a SAHM but they contribute by bringing up the kids! Dh contributed so little...

I know I have to get on with it but finding it psychologically hard to get past the feeling that I have worked so so hard and am getting so much taken away sad

StickMe Fri 21-Mar-14 20:05:38

Sorry meant to say namechanged so ex dh doesn't see it!

MuttonCadet Fri 21-Mar-14 20:06:42

All assets in a marriage are considered joint, so I'm afraid that if your H didn't pull his weight then he's got the better part of the deal.

You won't have to pay him maintenance for the kids unless he becomes the resident parent. If you are the resident parent then he has to pay you a proportion of his income (it doesn't really matter who earns more).

Cleanandclothed Fri 21-Mar-14 20:06:43

I am sure someone will be along in a minute to help, but will the children live with you? The split of assets should sort out 'needs' first, and you should have the need for a bigger house because you will have the children. Then you will be a able to claim child maintenance from him. I thought (but I might be wrong) significant spousal maintenance was where one spouse had significantly lower earning capacity because of decisions made during the marriage - which doesn't seem to be true in your case?

Mintyy Fri 21-Mar-14 20:08:53

What are you saying? That you won't divorce him if it will cost you too much?

Who wants the divorce?

StickMe Fri 21-Mar-14 20:11:43

Oh no sorry I wasnt clear

I have kicked him out. The divorce is going through.

I have the kids but because I out earn him he is being awarded a monetary pay out of the house and because I earn more, it is likely he will get spousal maintenance from me

He deliberately took a lower paid no just before we split up too. He could have stayed where he was but took a lesser hours job which pays less and that is one of the reasons the monetary gap looks so high

StickMe Fri 21-Mar-14 20:12:22

Lesser paid job

Am just feeling sorry for myself sad

lunar1 Fri 21-Mar-14 20:16:55

How long does spousal maintenance last for?

StickMe Fri 21-Mar-14 20:22:47

Not sure. Lawyer has said it could last a long time therefore it is actually better to go for a clean break settlement but that potentially means him getting more out of the house.

Difficulty with that is that house prices have gone mental here and house is worth about 3x what we paid for it.

Seem so unfair that they look at earnings now but that is the way it seems to work. Earnings now plus potential going forward and he is older than me so his potential seen as less (I am no spring chicken either though!)

Should point out that he has never given me a penny towards the kids and we've been apart for 18 months now

NurseyWursey Fri 21-Mar-14 20:23:11

It must be very annoying but you should have told the fecker to pull his weight whilst you were still together!

However saying that I wouldn't say that to a woman so I suppose I'm not being fair.

AnythingNotEverything Fri 21-Mar-14 20:23:22

You only pay spousal maintenance where a need exists. Surely he earns enough to support himself? Something about your OP suggests you're not on the breadline.

Cabrinha Fri 21-Mar-14 20:31:15

There are no hard and fast rules in divorce finances.
Get a good solicitor, and hardball your ex.
Courts don't like spousal maintenance, or so I keep reading - they prefer clean break agreements. Even with spousal, it's usually (again, this is my reading on law firm websites, I'm not a lawyer) for a limited time.

The purpose of spousal maintenance is more so as not to disadvantage one party... so the partner who gave up work altogether for 20 years to bring up kids and is now 50 and needs a period of time to retrain, or whatever.
You don't just get it by default because your partner earns more.
If your solicitor says "oh well, that's how the cookie crumbles" you have the wrong solicitor.

The house is a joint asset, so yes - you will lose some of what you put in. But in the circumstances you describe where he can work more hours and has only recently changed not to, I would simply say no to spousal, and then see you in court.

What about your pensions? If you've earned more for a short time, and didn't work at all for a while, isn't his pension pot greater than yours? Don't forget to throw that into the mix! If you went 50/50 on pensions, that could be more than he might suggest in spousal!

Anyway, obviously hard to say without intricate details. LEGAL ADVICE NEEDED!!!

StickMe Fri 21-Mar-14 20:32:03

He earns enough to support himself. He is nowhere near the breadline.

I live in a small 2.5 bed house. He has rented a large 4 double bed house with a garden which he is finding hard to pay for plus pay for all his going out etc and wants money from me to fund that as he is claiming I can't tell him what he needs to live in (he's right I can't). He is saying that is the only sort of dwelling he will consider (!).

Unfortunately because he has changed job and there is a disparity in what we earn, there is a chance he will be awarded spousal maintenance 'to maintain the lifestyle he had'. My argument is he wants money to live in better conditions than me and the kids.

You are right, it's my fault for not making him carry his weight sooner but if he had done, we wouldn't be getting divorced!

Inertia Fri 21-Mar-14 20:33:31

Is spousal maintenance usual where the lower earning partner is the NRP?

Inertia Fri 21-Mar-14 20:36:49

Oh yes, definitely look closely at pensions!

And can you not put a CSA claim in if he is refusing to pay maintenance? The backdated amount should also be allowed for in the settlement, surely ?

FudgefaceMcZ Fri 21-Mar-14 20:41:01

Huh, I got no spousal maintenance despite giving up my own job to move for ex's and looking after our child and having no income at time of divorce, so it seems pretty unfair that your ex would. I thought spousal maintenance didn't exist any more?

FudgefaceMcZ Fri 21-Mar-14 20:42:31

Also no court is going to agree that a NRP single adult needs a 4 bed house to live in. Surely your solicitor can reassure you on this? He's being completely unreasonable.

HermioneWeasley Fri 21-Mar-14 20:45:36

Have you got a solicitor? If so I'd consider changing - spousal maintenance is harder and harder to get these days and I think you'd have a strong argument for not paying it.

mercibucket Fri 21-Mar-14 20:47:41

maybe try a new solicitor. yours doesnt seem to be playing hardball.

andsmile Fri 21-Mar-14 21:01:31

Yes I agree spousal maintencanc eis harder to get. You need to get your representation to argue the point about the earnings f yours are only a recent thing. If he earns enought to support himself and is getting a good pay out from house then he needs to fuck off wuite frankly.

You need to go for a clean break agreement. This means he is paid a lump some form the house. No maintencance or claim to you pension. It needs to be like this so he cannot tke you back to court at a later date.

Yes absolutley argue about equality - the amounts awarded to both parties should allow both to live equally.

If you wanted to play dirty run up debt a bit here an there but stash the cash, could put in Post Office saving in kids names, they cant touch that.

If you really feel backed into a corner you can reduce hours on stress grounds etc got to doctors get it all documented then up it again after divorce through. This is extreme, and bold but I have seen someone do this throughout a very hotly contested divorce over a l ong period of time.

You really need to seek better advice about a clean break agreement, it think this is best. After a year Id have thought he'd have calmed down and stopped this 4 bed house nonsense.

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