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To think I am just going to have to be fake - nice...

(13 Posts)
Odaat Fri 21-Mar-14 18:21:30

Me and MIL met today after not speaking for a couple of months. Hmmm. It went ok, but it would appear too much has been said and things will alway be tense now. I could be being negative - though I doubt it tbh. AIBU to think we are two different people, she is never going to change and I am just going to have to be fake-nice to her for dh and dd's sake. I hate being fake, but do we all have to be a little fake for the sake of our families?
In order not to dripfeed:
MIL phoned me up and had a go at me when me and dh had an argument. She said some pretty horrid things- eg we should split, i better get used to being a single mum and I am hard to live with. Dh was furious as all of these things are uncalled for and not even close to the truth - plus, he was to blame fr this particular argument!

That is not all; there is lots more of her basically being very draining and demanding on our relationship and lives.

After she left today she asked dh to take her straight home as she was so ill. When I commented to dh how quiet she was, he said its because shes ill. Th thing wih this is, she knows that I am fed up with her incessant wailing (literally) about her phantom illnesses / real ones being exaggerated - greatly. So she goes all quiet then puts all her crap on dh in the drive home from seeing me.

She will never change. Are you fake at times with people for sake of your family? Does it not make you squirm!? I would much rather not bloody see her :/

Euphemia Fri 21-Mar-14 18:26:36

What would your DH do if your mother was like this with him?

In your shoes, I'd have nothing to do with her.

CuntyBunty Fri 21-Mar-14 18:28:40

I hope she apologised after that phone call. Otherwise, you'll never move forward from it and nor should you.

specialmagiclady Fri 21-Mar-14 18:34:40

I was going to say "absolutely yes". Then I read your post. Made me feel very blessed by my in-laws who drive me up the wall and run me up the wrong way like crazy. But we are basically polite. Your MiL chose to be fabulously rude to you. I would be tempted to cut her off, frankly.

On the other hand, could you agree that you just never see her without your DH and that if she comes to stay you have lots of strategic exit strategies (friends "in crisis", urgent dental appointments) so she can't get to you.

Also I would suggest that you encourage your DH to back you up in front of her or her dire predictions may just come true....

Andro Fri 21-Mar-14 18:40:27

but do we all have to be a little fake for the sake of our families?

You don't have to, but unless you are willing to be completely NC it's often the only way things function smoothly <says the woman who has long since perfected an entirely fake facade when dealing with her own mother>.

SarahAndFuck Fri 21-Mar-14 18:41:58

Perhaps you can be polite without being fake?

I know how hard it can be, I reached the point where I cut the PILs out of my life but it was a long, drawn out process which they still can't accept.

I wish we could have reached a balance where we had a polite relationship if not a close one.

It's a shame because when I married DH I was very happy to be part of a wider family and made a real effort to get along with them. But they made even a polite but distant relationship an impossibility.

If you try to be fake nice it won't work but you might be able to be polite but distant and still have a relationship of sorts.

Odaat Fri 21-Mar-14 18:45:37

Polite still feels fake.. I think it is because she hasn't apologised. She asked dh to see if I was wiling to put everything behind us and move on. I was fuming at the time as I felt she owed me an apology, but then I thought maybe we should do just that - as talking over things with her seems unrealistic tbh. She is a perpetual victem and wouldn't accept this to be her fault anyways. I think I am now having to live with my decision of just brushing it under carpet despite still having resentments to her.

Odaat Fri 21-Mar-14 18:47:36

Its really messy as sil got involved and threatened to hit me and then my mum got involved because sil threatensd violence! Apparantly mil will never speak to my dm again as my dm basically told her straight about her chav tastic daughter and her own martyr behaviour ...

Odaat Fri 21-Mar-14 18:48:30

I realise it sounds like an episode of Eastenders ... My family are nice people though, honestly! Haha

yummumbigtum Fri 21-Mar-14 19:12:03

fake nice is what I do, smiles and gritted teeth when I see MIL. Agree that if they don't apologise or try to reconciliate then it is difficult to forgive or forget. My anger for my MIL simmers underneath and reignites fast but always manage to cover up.... MIL isn't as bad as yours though, has said irritating things and shouted at me, but those things she said pretty unforgivable IMO. Keep smiling on....

watching with interest to see how many other people do this. Probabaly really unhealthy coping strategy as anger gets directed internally and comes out in other ways e.g. by being a bit difficult

What do others think?

Odaat Fri 21-Mar-14 19:42:38

Thanks yum!
Yes it is always a wonder of mine... Is everyone just fake at times to save awkwardness ? Probably...

Suefla62 Fri 21-Mar-14 19:52:57

Wasn't really fake just didn't go out if my way for her. Was polite but DH new how I felt. Used to call her "Mommie Dearest" (She'd never read the book and had no idea what was going on grin)

MunchMunch Fri 21-Mar-14 20:34:39

I've given up being fake with sil, she has tried to ruin our lives by reporting us (falsely) to the dwp about df's disability. She didn't give a fuck that my dc could have been left with no money and the stress it caused us but then she's always hated us even when we didn't really know her and had been genuinely nice to her when she, uninvited, came to stay with us when we took my db (and his friend!) in when he had nowhere to go. She has caused no amount of problems and is just a horrible nasty person that I won't even look at her or speak to her even if I'm in db's house so a few minutes or she brazenly comes over to the car with db as I'm dropping dn off. In reality I want to throttle her but it's better I just don't even acknowledge her exisistence.

Sorry for the rant grin but I think nc is the way to go. I wouldn't even make excuses when she visits, just make plans off yourself and let her see the people she "cares" about.

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